ANA Discussion Forum
General Category => AN Issues => Topic started by: DLM4me on April 04, 2009, 02:07:01 pm
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As the title says, my emotions are all over the place right now. Surgery is on Wednesday, so I guess it's not that strange to be a bit emotional this close to surgery. But it's a very odd mix. One minute I feel completely at peace--I know I have the best doctors (Brackmann, Stefan, Schwartz, et al at House), not nervous or anxious at all, actually looking forward to Wednesday getting here so we can just get this over with. And then the next minute I'm crying. Just like that. With absolutely no thought or anything that provokes it...I just start sobbing. And it's weird. If anyone asks me I say I'm perfectly at peace with it all because, really, I am. But the spontaneous tears baffle me!
To reiterate something I've said in other posts: I've had big-time major surgery many times before, so it's not like I'm unused to, or scared of, the idea of being operated on and/or in the hospital. I normally do NOT react this way at all prior to surgery. I really can't explain why THIS one has hit me so differently from all the others...but it has.
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I was the same way.
I wish you all the best w/ your surgery & look forward to your postie land post.
Just a couple more days..it will be behind you.Look forwrd to the relief of finally having the big cling on gone!
Shake your self off & say phewww. :)
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DLM4me ~
I'm sorry to learn that you're having to deal with these spontaneous emotional outbreaks but I wouldn't worry too much about it. You're facing brain surgery in a few days and while the odds are very high that you'll do just fine, as so many others have, the fear of the unknown is a powerful source of angst. Even though the chance of anything life-threatening happening during the surgery is infinitesimal, I suspect that the knowledge of all your other 'big-time' surgeries and subsequent lengthy hospitalizations along with the fear of the unknown in this operation is generating the underlying stress that manifests itself in these spontaneous crying episodes. In short: the logical part of your mind knows this operation is necessary and will go just fine but the emotional part of your mind sees the past (surgical complications, long hospital stays), considers the unknown aspects and reacts with tears, a way the body releases some of the built-up stress. Again, you have our collective empathy and support. Try to remember that many people you've never actually met will be thinking of and praying for you on Wednesday. Meanwhile, crying is allowed. :)
Jim
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I echo that, many will be praying for you.
I think it is natural to feel this way. My emotions can be all over the place at times, sometimes for no reason at all (that I can pinpoint). You do have a valid reason!
Take care,
Keri
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Next time you spontaneously break into tears, try the Hokey Pokey...I promise you can't do it and cry at the same time!! ;D It should make anyone else around you laugh too (& wonder if you are REALLY all there!)...
K ;D
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Hi DLM4me,
My wife Scarlett had her surgery 17 days ago. The emotions that we experienced are consistant with yours. I'm with Jim, "crying is allowed".
Our thoughts and prayers are flowing your way,
Rich & Scarlett
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I haven't had my surgery yet either (not even a date set) but I can totally relate to your emotions.
I'm going to guess and say that maybe the reason yours are so all over the place this time rather than with your other surgery(s) is b/c the outcomes from this particular surgery are so NOT predictable. As we know, we can have the best surgeons and not the best outcomes OR have the best surgeons and come out great. It's the piece where it's out of our hands that makes it all that much more scary. So I get it. Makes sense, but doesn't make it less frustrating or nerve wrecking waiting for it.
Good luck with everything. It's too bad that our worry/stress/anxiety/tears/etc have no outcome on the surgery! Try to remember that you've done everything you can to ensure success (good surgeon and place). Your part is done.
((hugs))
Adrienne
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Grace,
I think Adrienne hit on one good reason - AN surgery outcomes are not very predictable. I think you yourself actually hit on another one - you have had enough surgeries already, and really don't need another one (not that anyone needs any).
I also think that ANs strike us a little too close to where we live - our heads. I notice that a small symptom in my ear, a little pressure or fullness, will worry me more than a sharper pain in my back, knee, or hip. Those are just joints. Even pains in the abdomen have to be much stronger to be really troubling. But the least little thing in the head itself really gets to us. That's what makes headaches so much more troubling, for instance. They interfere with us being ourselves.
So having brain surgery is a little more special than other surgeries, a little too close to home for comfort.
There, there, you'll be okay. :)
Steve
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Sounds normal to me. It is a roller coaster ride and you're better off crying than holding it in. The peace that you mention is what will take over just before surgery and what will see you through. Sending you best wishes,
Marci
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I was so anxious before the surgery to get this over with since the tumor bothered me greatly, could not sleep (had to sit up straight to sleep everynight for 2 months) and just wanted to get back to normal. It turned out it was the best decision that I made. Now I'm living almost normal live and found other hobbies to do,etc...
I did also went to HEI and Dr. Friedman and Schwartz did my surgery and they're the best.
Good luck.
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Thanks everyone. I think you're all on to something. Even though I've had plenty of surgery--including emergency, life-saving surgery--the brain is...well, THE BRAIN! I've made my living with my smarts. I've defined myself by my ability and intelligence. Just THINKING about something--however unlikely--going wrong, it's scary. I've made very clear in my durable power of attorney that I would not want to be kept alive in the event of irreversible brain damage, etc., but even so there's just that unknown.
The only other time I felt afraid going into (planned) surgery was when I was twenty-two and had to have a hysterectomy. My fear then wasn't about *ME*--I wasn't, and still am not, afraid of dying per se--it was about my husband who would've been a very young widower with a child to raise alone. My sadness then was that I might not get to see my child grow up. But everything else in between just didn't hit me at all.
Now, about the Hokey Pokey--I can't even stand up without losing my balance!! But the MENTAL IMAGE of trying to do the Hokey Pokey right now was so funny I literally laughed out loud. :)
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I can relate to what you are going thru. My surgery is the day before yours. right now I'm trying to keep busy by helping out hubby around the chicken coup. Chickens arrive the day of surgery, so I'll want to get home to see the little critters. I'm anxious for Tuesday to arrive, but yet I'm not. Its still surreal at the moment. I'm guessing the day of surgery it will hit me hard...
One step at a time for now.
JO
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DLM4me,
I can totally relate to what you've said. While I didn't break out into tears, I was all-consumed by everything AN-related between diagnosis and surgery (right at 1 month). Everything seemed heightened.. Every twitch had to mean something. Every time my tinnitus got louder meant my already big tumor was getting bigger. I spent HOURS on the computer at all hours of the day and night researching. Like you, I defined myself by my intellect. I was the main provider at home. The source of love, comfort and money to Jenni and my two kids (both pretty small still). I was in a highly-technical position at work that required that I "be there" mentally. I couldn't fathom not being myself again. I had two main concerns going into surgery: 1) would I look the same and 2) would I BE the same.. I was torn up inside worrying about those two things.. Like you, I wasn't afraid to die (at first I was, but very quickly got over that), but I worried incessantly about how different I would be both physically and mentally.
I get it.. I understand it. I've been there. I've learned since then that this AN thing will throw some curveballs your way.. In ways that are least expected. But, you know what? You'll meet those challenges and beat them. You'll be able to climb hills that seem SO big. Those that you least expect will be there to help along the way.
Remember our motto:
(http://i436.photobucket.com/albums/qq87/bdcphotobucket/ANA-black-flag.jpg)
We'll also all be there for you praying, cheering you on, and generally supporting you in every way that we can...
Regards,
Brian
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Hi DLM4me,
Will there be anyone updating for you?
Scarlett and I will be praying for a safe and successful surgery,
Rich & Scarlett
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To Grace and JO too,
Both surgeries approaching. You will feel so much better when it is all behind you.
Our prayers are with you both.
Rest easy......
Maureen
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Again, I'm so thankful for the thoughtful and calming replies.
Brian, thanks for sharing what you went through pre-op. We definitely sound a lot alike. Until illness forced me to stop working and go on SSDI, I had been a UNIX/Linux programmer and sysadmin since circa 1986. It was challenging, meticulous work where errors simply COULD NOT happen. And I loved it! To think that anything could happen that would make me less able to function...it's just terrifying.
My husband is here; he arrived very early yesterday morning. I think it's been quite strange for him seeing me spontaneously bursting into tears, since he's so accustomed to me approaching surgery like it's no big deal. But he gets it.
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DLM4me,
You're most welcome. Like many others here, my life is pretty much an open book when it comes to my AN. I see no harm in sharing that with anyone who is interested because it can only help others who are going through very similar situations. Like you, I've been into computers for a LONG time. At the time of diagnosis, I was a Manager of the internal IT Department with 4 total of us taking care of 200+ users, 15 or so servers (both Windows 2000/2003 and virtual ones) and several terabytes of data storage space. We had a SQL server, RightFax, phone system, backup, crystal reports, Citrix, etc.. For such a small shop, our IT was very advanced.. Like in your case, errors couldn't be tolerated. We had to be on our game mentally all of the time. Our company was doing something (even if not officially open) 7 days a week. I understand about it being terrifying. That was (is) my livlihood.. It's all I've ever known (been around computers since before they were commonplace in the home). The AN diagnosis threatened the very heart of my professional life.
I'm still somewhat with the same company (read here for my trials and tribulations with my job; NOT AN related). And, the good news is that I've done more of that type of work in the past few months than I've done ever. What I used to have a total of 4 people doing, I'm doing all by myself now. I can't say that surgery and the AN hasn't had an affect on my work, but it hasn't stopped me.
I trust that you'll find the same thing happen for you; while things may be a bit different for awhile, you'll be back to doing programming and sysadmin work just like you always have.
PM me if you want.. Ask any question here on the forum or in PM. Chances are that someone will "get it" and have been there, done that and have something to share.
Regards,
Brian
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DLM4me,
Good luck tomorrow. Remember, I'm just a few hours ahead of you. See you in postieland!
nANcy
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Hi LDM4me-
Tomorrow is the day - and I think we all know what you are going through right now. I hope that you have some moments of peace today. Funny, but I don't think I cried more than once after I was diagnosed - but I micro-managed the Heck out of everything and everyone around me! It's actually quite funny now that I look back (from a safe distance) on it, but at the time I am sure it was difficult for eveyrone in my life. For some reason, I felt that if I controlled every nuance of the experience up to and after the surgery, it would be okay - consequently I made lists of lists, and timetables, and instructions - oy vey!
At least you know what to expect from surgery - you'll take a few deep breaths and then you'll wake up a numbe rof hours later and it will be over. Well, at least that part will be over! ;) I the meantime, cry, laugh, do whatever you have to do to feel a bit better. There's no shame in any of it, believe me.
Debbi, cheering you on from NJ
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Having emotions all over the maps is about right. The week before my surgery I felt mostly at peace with it, but when something didn't go as planned that week, I freaked out a little. Like Debbi, I felt if I could control everything eles, I would be okay in the end. I was and you will be too. Sending good vibes and prayers for a great surgical outcome.
Wendy
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We've been out almost all day (since VERY early), so I'm just now checking in. I posted on the surgical board about what we did today, so I won't repeat that here. I just want to say that I'm ready for the surgery and looking forward to being a postie. Hopefully, a postie WITH some hearing left in the affected ear!
Nancy, I wish you so much good luck and good thoughts for tomorrow. We'll muddle through the post-op period together, virtually anyway. :)
Brian, I'd love to talk shop with you after it's all said and done. I LOVE computing and am so glad I fell into it (I was heading for medical school but decided to "take some time off" first. The rest is history). We'll talk when I get back!
THANK YOU all so much. You're just the best.
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Forgot to mention: Nancy (NL) will be talking to my husband and will post updates. (Thanks, Nancy!)