My daughter hates me because I got sick...

[lori67]

Michelle,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your daughter.  That age is so hard to begin with but the added stress of surgery is so much for a kid to handle.

I don't really have any advice to offer, because fortunately I had 2 kids that were old enough to understand what was going on and 2 that were too young to know what was going on at the time of my surgery.  I tend to downplay things like this anyway and didn't really let them know it was a big deal until after all was said and done.  My own mother was shocked afterward - she said I made it sound like no big deal - like I was going to get my teeth cleaned or something.  That's just my way of dealing with it - I don't like people to worry about me (my family is a bunch of worriers to begin with).

You are a good mom and you will know the right thing to do for your daughter.  She doesn't really hate you - she just hates the idea that this might have taken you away from her.  As far as therapy - you know your daughter better than anyone and will know if it's right for her.  We moms do whatever it takes to make sure our kids are happy and healthy, even if it's something we hadn't considered doing before. The way I see it, if your knee is bothering you - you go to the orthopedist for his professional advice; if your emotions  are bothering you, you go see a professional for that too.

Please don't beat yourself up over this.  It's no one's fault that you got sick.  Your daughter will realize that one day.

Lori

[Debbi]

I don't have kids, although I was a 13 year old girl once myself.    So, no advice on child rearing from me.  However, on the subject of therapy, I can honestly say that it helped me through an extremely difficult time in my life a number of years ago, so I am pro-therapy all the way.  

Michelle, I know that you will find the right answer for you and for your daughter.  You know her, whereas none of us do - and that makes you the very best person to decide if therapy is a good idea.  

Sending you prayers and hugs.
Debbi

[leapyrtwins]

I'd avoid therapy like a plague. Most of the kids that I know whose parents sent them to therapy are even more screwed up today as adults.

Youch!!!  I know this is just an opinion, but I totally disagree.  While I never went to therapy as a child, I have gone several times as an adult.  During the time I was struggling to have children (something that took 9 long years, many medical procedures, tons of money, and one very generous egg-donor); went to marriage counseling twice in the hopes of saving my marriage; and post-divorce I went to individual therapy and family therapy with my two children.  In addition, my son who is ADHD has gone to counseling - and I in no way, shape, or form think he's "screwed up".

Life is extremely complicated and we all have issues that we can't handle at times.  There is no shame in seeking help when you need it.  If you have a medical problem, you seek medical attention.  If you have an emotional issue, you seek someone to help you deal with it.

Just the opinion of someone who's "been there".

Jan

[Cheryl R]

Good for you, Kay!       It sounds like you are doing good to make sure life does go well for your daughter.      I always told my daughters that I did the best that I could at the time if they complain how something should have been different when they were growing up.
                                                        Cheryl R

[Jackie]

Very very well expressed Donnalynn!!

I wholeheartedly agree with everything you have said!!! As with all professions there are good and bad and as far as entrusting the welfare of your child to a stranger, is a very poor idea. Yes you are so right when you talk about sharing the same values and beliefs is absolutely tantamount to good results. Let's just say, Been there done that and leave it at that! Great lessons to be learned from you Donnalynn. Thank you for your direct and honest approach!!

Jackie in Oregon

[Jim Scott]

Donnalynn ~

I enjoyed your thoughtful analysis on the pros and cons of professional counseling as it relates to those in Michelle's situation.  I appreciated the fact that you validated those situations where the parents and child are able to work through the problem on their own while offering cogent advice regarding the choosing of a therapist/councilor when this decision is warranted.  You've presented a balanced, informative analysis that will likely be of great benefit to those who read and absorb the information you've thoughtfully provided from the perspective of a experienced counselor.  Thank you.

Jim

[LisaP]

Hi Michelle,

I had the opposite happen to me when I recieved my dx due to my brother's illness (he was dx with a gleoblastoma back in 9/07, died on 10/16/08), I was dx on March 31,2008.  My dx brought my family very close, my daughters are very protective of my now due to the loss of my brother.  I have explained my dx to them and that I should not die from it.  My children are also older at 27, 27 and 20 so maybe age made a difference.

My 20 year old even had my name tatooed on the back of her ear on the right side (the same side of my AN).  I was very touched by it.   So try to hang in there, it sounds like your daughter is scared.  Just keep talking to her is all that you can do.

Best wishes,

LisaP

[Keri]

Michelle,
I can empathize. I have three kids - my oldest daughter is autistic. We had and still have many challenges with her, but they NEVER prepared me for the emotional roller coaster ride that we've had since my youngest daughter hit the teen years. Around age 11 or so it was all "mommy mommy i love you so much' and she'd leave me notes everywhere and it was all so sweet. At some point, it digressed to where about a year or two ago i felt she hated me and i could do nothing right. She had just turned 15 when i had my AN surgery. Maybe I downplayed it a bit, like Lori said. I mean, she knew it was quite serious and she saw me looking like i was hit by a truck in ICU. she and my son seemed to have a difficult time coming to the hospital. now, she's 16 and while our relationship is better - we're not getting so much into the 'she copes the attitude, i get mad or nag, her attitude gets worse, i nag more' cycle. but she's still having some pretty significant problems. people who know her think of her as so cute, so personable, so creative, so happy... and she is all of those things. but she's also gets depressed, has panic attacks and has problems with things i just don't get. we go to a really nice, good counselor. the one thing i've resisted is her going on meds. i so want her to 'fight' and not have to depend on meds. but we may have to do it. i know the teen years aren't difficult for everyone. i was a difficult teen but my problems were much more rebellious in nature! but the transition of when they're a sweet child to a teen that seems to hate you is a huge surprise and very difficult to deal with.

i know she must love you very much but i think they just have such a difficult time dealing with and sorting through their powerful emotions.

keri

[sunfish]

Lots and lots and lots of good responses above.  I work in the mental health field, but not with kids.  I'm a mom to 5 grown children.  My baby (daughter) just turned 18.  What a rocky road it's been from age 13 to 18!  I do see a little light at the end of the tunnel.  I think counseling is great, if the child wants to go.  I never had much success with my kids wanting to go, or connecting with a therapist.

One thing I don't think others have said:  In my experience, teenage girls sometimes like to push our buttons, and the "I'm a victim, my mom is sick" button can be a good one.  I agree with everything others have said, especially "she is angry your sick only because she loves you and is afraid you're going to die."  This can also be a self-centered age, and with all my kids, I was amazed at how everything could be all about them, even at a time when it should be all about someone else.  But that's just natural, and they do grow out of it.

[moe]

Beachmommy,
I loved your story. Interesting how your kids responded differently. Whoever snags your son when he turns into an adult will be very lucky indeed! A touchy  feely kind

Keri,
Here's hoping your daughter is doing OK and you have a nice Easter together.
Maureen

[Soundy]

 July will mark my 3 year anniversary ... and recently I have felt like my 12 1/2 year old hates me for the AN ... when I don't hear her and ask her to repeat something she rolls her eyes makes a kinda grunting sound and storms off ... she gets mad when I won't want to go watch them skate or when I do go and I plug my hearing ear , she is mad because I can't hear and respond to her as she wants me too ... I get tired and take naps ...lots of naps and she thinks I should be up and about ...but later after being a pill and growling at me she comes around , kisses my forehead and tells me she loves me ... but the anger she is expressing is scary ... I am figuring hormones and the still dealing with my issues is catching up with her ... She has said she wants the old mom back and I am not the same mom she had before surgery …

my 10 1/2 year old is just herself ...sweet, lovable , happy kid ... but I am prepared for her to turn Mr. Hyde on me like older one has ... and with both , I just keep loving them and wait for it to pass ... will seek help if we need to …

as for counseling ... it all depends like Donnalynn said , getting the right match ... the wrong person can do more damage than good ...

I have been in counseling several time in my life associated with  problems of my older sister and how it was impacting my life and that of our whole family ...

First was group family therapy when my parents finally realized that my older sister’s  severe mental illness  was not something they could handle alone  ... she would be normal one day and may try to kill someone the next ...didn’t work well with first 2 assigned therapists ( when in El Paso and Army is paying for it , you got little choice in who you saw , just take what is given ) 

 I have a knife scar on the back of my hand and a scar on my forehead ... When I was about 6 month old she held me by my ankles and thunked my head on a coffee table to get rid of me ... She told our parents she  didn’t want any brothers or sisters …but me  having a hard head she didn't succeed ... She was just past 2 years old at the time

The knife scar was put there when I was about 11 and I had cut up an apple ... I was sitting at table smearing peanut butter on the pieces and then there was  knife stuck in my hand ... she was in and out of hospitals all across the country ...

The first therapist was when we were in El Paso , mid 70’s we went into group therapy to “fix her “ … after one session of getting to know us other kids  ( as if he could know 4 kids in 2 hours ) the therapist had us drawing all the time … just put us at a table with crayons and paper , then tell us to  draw what ever comes to mind … this went on every Saturday morning and Wednesday evening for 2 hours each session …after about 6 weeks of this he said we all had issues and needed extensive counseling … this after our drawings went for typical for our ages  to disturbing

what he and my parents didn’t know is that my  oldest brother ( a year younger than me ) and myself devised a plan to get out of therapy … about 2 weeks in to this experiment  , we had bribed and instructed our two younger brothers to draw naked people and draw in black and red only …and we had out own drawing plans …so we all sat drawing in black and red …me and partner in crime drew angry people and demons all in black and red crayon , while the younger two were drawing naked people colored red …looked bloody … I was in 8th grade and tired of being hurt and my parents reluctance to do anything drastic like commit my sister so the myself and my brothers could have a normal life … I had to fess up or we were all going to have to go to private sessions for being nuts … but he was not a good therapist … did nothing but add frustration to the problems we had in dealing with living with a sibling that tried regularly to kill or maim us  ...learned later he had been working with vets that had returned from Vietnam with PTS syndrome and was reassigned to family counseling after complaints from some of the soldiers he was suppose to be helping

Take Two …. First question the next one asked me :  How do you know that you are not the one with a problem instead of Jay Well sir , I have never tried to kill any of  my little brothers (just made them draw naked people ) and I never stuck a knife in anyone … But does that make you more normal than her ? Yes … How can you be sure you are both not operating in your own state of normal ? … I had to think on that question for an answer that wouldn’t  end with my mouth being washed out or a whipping when I got home …. In my hesitation he said See you don’t know if you are any more normal than she is …. This man had been seeing her in a group home she had been in for about a month and I guess she had him convince she was OK… so he figured it was the rest of us … I told him that maybe we were both in our own normal state but mine was the socially acceptable state … I got up and left his office never to return …

I developed a distrust of therapists … my sister could be so normal acting when she was put in the hospital and dupe doctors in to believing she was fine … it was the rest of the world that had a problem …it was the fault of her siblings that she acted like she did … then she would come out and terrorize us … if we defended our selves we were in trouble because if you fought her,  her behavior escalated and police  had to be called in …and that embarrassed my parents …

Last one they assigned us was a good man … he listened …and especially listened to my mom when she said Jay had never been normal since early childhood … (what 2 ½ year old tries to get rid of their sister by killing her ) and she told him that she thought that her worse behavior was tied to her cycle ( this was in the days where PMS was not a house hold thing and not as understood) he did blood work , after blood work … did it at several points in her cycle ,  2 or 3 months in a row and came up with a plan …her male hormones skyrocketed when she cycled and she got aggressive and dangerous … even when she was at her good she could be mean … but at that time of the month look out … with hormone therapy to keep her levels from going up and down so drastically  , tranquilizers to keep her calm and  alot of talk therapy  things were better …he helped us all where the others caused additional damage …

Long story short … there are good and bad therapist … have seen both 

Watch your child and follow your instincts … and if you do decide to do any therapy don’t be afraid to fire one and find another until you find one that is good for your daughter and what she has going on … and is also good for your family …

[Jim Scott]

Soundy ~

Your story of dealing with your mentally disturbed sister is harrowing in many respects but it proves, as you noted, that (a) psychotherapy is an 'art, not a science' and, (b) that therapists, like medical doctors that treat only our physical problems, there are endless variations in the quality and effectiveness of the doctors that treat mental/emotional issues.  I would expect that treating children with mental problems is the most challenging of all so I'm not shocked that you encountered a less-than stellar therapist when you were younger, but I have to admire your youthful wiles as you dealt with the therapist and your astute observation that this person was not helping.  I believe you handled a tough situation (your sister's mental instability) quite well.

I also agree with your analysis that your daughter's hormones are affecting her attitude toward you.  We all know that once a child enters puberty, they usually begin trying to distance themselves from their parents and like to put on a pose of absolute boredom and, sometimes, embarrassment at almost anything the parent says or does.  Then, the wall comes down for brief moments and the child's true emotions toward the parent shines through, like a firefly's light on a summer night, blinking on and off but reminding you that beneath the unaccustomed insolence and overdrawn expressions of exasperation with you, she loves you. 

Your daughter's statement that she wants her old mom back has to be a disturbing but don't allow yourself to feel unnecessarily guilty about this.  Perhaps your daughter should be reminded that you're well aware of your limitations and how they affect her (remember, kids - especially in puberty - are notoriously self-centered)  and that you didn't ask to be this way. I suggest that you acknowledge her anger and frustration with you and try to show her that you don't like the way you are but if you both work at accepting and accommodating it, things might be better for both of you.

Of course, I'm just a superannuated, uneducated former disc jockey and don't pretend to have any credible expertise in handing these kinds of issues, other than having been a parent, but my AN didn't show up until my son was in his mid-20's, so this was never an issue for us.  I trust that you'll be able to handle your daughter's anger and come through this with your relationship intact.  I know many 'AN parents have to deal with these issues so I appreciate your courage in posting your current problems with your daughter as well as your account of your mentally disturbed sibling and how that affected your childhood.   You're a very resilient woman and your posts are always interesting.  Thanks.

Jim

[Jeff]

Hello,
I have been watching this thread with interest. And unfortunately, I have experience with this as a child and a parent.

My father had NF2, thus, both ANs were removed and he became deaf. While I now realize that this was very hard for him, I was immature and mostly concerned about how this affected me.

I am now deaf and have some physical limitatioms as a result of surgery and complications. This has been difficult for my child, largely because I have difficulty communicating and am unable to do some of the things that we used to do together.

My thoughts: I believe that anger at change is a normal response. I also believe that children have a tendency toward self-centered behavior. Consequently, their anger, while seeming to be directed at the parent, is really anger about change and how it affects them.

I also think that children take time to learn empathy.

Of course, all of this is based upon my own experiences. I am no way, shape, or form, an expert. I don't have the answers, but I have many questions

Jeff