I wrote in another topic that I felt a lot of guilt when I was conscious enough after surgery to understand what had happened (32 hours of surgery). I felt guilt for efforts of the surgical teams to help me. (I have often said afterward, that given the efforts they went to on my behalf, that to not to do everything I could to get better and get on with life would be, at the very least, rude.) I felt tremendous guilt for what my family and friends went through during that long day and a half of waiting.
But it was not my fault. It was simply life. And it was my time to be the focus of attention for a change.
As you have already learned, this stuff is simply not easy. It affects each of us differently, and much of it is completely beyond our control. It is key to good mental health to learn to recognize and accept that we have very little control of our lives. For many they find help with that in their relationship with their God. Others find support in other ways.
I spent many years with a severely depressed wife who had all but opted out of daily living. At the same time, we had incredibly disturbed teenage son that wound up in residential treatment and corrections. And our youngest had his own health issues to watch and his own anger problems from not getting all the attention and support he needed at the time. Family and friends kept asking how I dealt with all of that on a daily basis.
I had my own problems, but in the end, I did the only thing I could: I got up each and every day. I made the choice to live, to be a part of things, and to accept that I had precious little control of anything. I did what was required and did not give up. I let friends, family, and church family support me emotionally.
After surgery, I did the same thing. I got up each everyday. I marked progress by things such as the number of times I climbed the stairs, the number of circles I walked in the cul de sac, or the minutes I played Wii Fitness.
I don't know what the answers are for you, but I do know you should not feel guilty for what is not within your control. You have a brain tumor unfortunately. Surgery was hard. You thought it was past, now it is growing again. That is a lot to deal with...but it IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
You can get through this, and you will likely need help, but that is what friends and family are for. Plus, one of the things that IS in your control is how much effort you make on your behalf. If you keep making the choice to get up, to do what you need to, you will feel better and so will your caregivers. What bothered me as a caregiver was/is when the person I was caring for did not seem to make the least effort. (If they don't care, why should I?)
Clearly, you care. Keep caring, keep making an effort, and don't give up. Talk to us here that understand, after all, you don't have to be alone.
-Tod
