Discussing a tough issue with my parents

[stephSF]

My dad died at 60 so it's just my mom.  I told her, and told her the minimum amount of info but answered her questions honestly as they came up.  The only hard line I drew was at surgery time.  Of course she could come, but I told her she needed to be self suffient while we were in LA because my partner needed to be there for me not her.  I know it sounds tight, but it worked and she had an amazing experience with us.  She needed some extra emotional care after the surgery and I was strong enough to walk her through the letting go.  I think each family is different and going with your gut is most likely the nest for you.  Sorry it's so hard but great job on seeking professional support,
Steph

[pjb]

pjb,
Yes. Looks like my parents went just before yours. Dad had survived prostate (fairly advanced) cancer for 20 years and was pretty healthy 'till the last year. I used to joke that after the surgery and radiation I could finally out-work him. Never could before. They'd moved in with my niece (my sister was killed in a car wreck in 1987) a couple weeks before he died so she could take care of him. Christmas Eve I could see the light had gone out in Mom's eyes. She still sounded and acted the same but I knew it wouldn't be long. She just didn't much want to be around without him. And you're right on both counts. No easier and it doesn't seem that long. I was adopted and God couldn't have picked any better parents for me.
Mark




Ah Mark that is so sweet I am sure they are looking down at you and saying they have a wonderful son...So sad about your sister looks like she raised a wonderful daughter as well...

Best Wishes,

[MDemisay]

Guys,

I get it! I appreciate that my parents love and care about me, but I can only tell them so much I worry about their health too. I appreciate that they have been there for me in the past.

Mike

[Suu]

Hi again Mike

What do you want to tell them?  Are you 'practicing' how to go about it?

I feel your anguish in your last post and wish things were easy but our lot in life doesn't seem to be an easy ride does it?

Sending hugs your way mate.

Suu xxoo

[MDemisay]

Suu,

Thanks for your concern, I have decided to parse out what I tell them, they worry too much, and I even leave names out for example I left Dr. Golfinos name out of my last conversation with my mother because until I decide what Doc to go with what does it matter, they know I am not satisfied with one opinion and they know that I will be deciding on Wednesday or shortly thereafter whether to go with NY Presbytarian or UPMC.

Mike

[MaryBKAriz]

Hi,

I am responding to this thread late, but it was of great interest to me. I learned one time about "fogging". It has been an invaluable tool when I remember to use it. People want to be helpful, especially loving parents. It is a compliment but can also be intrusive and overstep boundaries. I don't enjoy confrontation, but I do want boundaries firmly in place. So statements like; that is an interesting point of view, I will think about it, I will ask my doctor about it, I appreciate the concern, yes, I looked into that, I am not ready to talk about it, etc., etc. Basically they are statements someone can't get traction back on. Others can't cross the boundaries, because I protect them before there can even be a discussion.

Hope this advice helps others as much as it has helped me.

Mary