to file for disability or take early retirement that is the question

[ewhitese]

Let me say first and for most, life is good.  I don't have cancer, other than loss of hearing in AN ear my limbs are generally intact and I have not been through traumatic death defying events.  My heart goes out to those truly suffering through disability.  I pray for those who have witnessed events no one should have to participate in, and those who's lives have been devastatingly altered physically.  I do not consider myself as a participant in the disability crowd and am embarrassed to consider applying for a disability retirement from my pension board.  I do believe I have some useful life left in me in one form or another, but am struggling to fulfill my obligations to my employer.

I am a 6 mo. post toasty, a UPMC Shadyside GK alumni.  (I'm just learning to speak the code) forgive me if I get it mixed up:)  I had my 6 mo. anniversary MRI/w contrast and (just as I expected) swelling with some necrosis beginning.  Hurrah, that is good news right?

Mean while back at the ranch, I have had a struggle with symptoms since mo. 4, dizzy, vertigo, hearing loss from 80% preGK to 10% @ 6 month mark, a dramatic loss of voice recognition even though the good ear is in relative good shape, fatigue, sleep disruption, tinnitus, loss of concentration, confusion.  But necrosis is starting so emotionally I am better with it than I was when it all hit me at mo. 4.  I went through 6 weeks of vestibular rehab. still dizzy still stagger some.  I had an episode this week, got vertigo while driving to work on a dark morning.  I felt like I was driving drunk, I had to get off the highway and park for a half hour and wait for dawn before turning around and going back home.  Have been dizzy for three days, this is taking place during a weather system with two 80 degree shifts in temperature, snow storm and below zero wind chill to temperatures of 50 degrees the next day so I am hoping it is weather related only.  I worry too much and over analyze everything but I worry I might be loosing my ability to drive in the dark.

So more embarrassing confession, my AN is 4.8x10.3 MM, yes small huh and swollen to this size to boot.  I can't help wondering why all this trouble over something so small.  And I know others here will scoff at my little bits of symptoms knowing they are effected much more dramatically than myself.   I guess it's a lot like real-estate location location location.

I am a shop teacher in a vocational school, I teach agriculture mechanization involving heavy equipment mechanics, welding, electrical wiring and construction.  My class is made up of 9th grade through 12 grade all in one room and a mix of student abilities including learning disabled children.  It is a mentally and physically demanding work environment, very stressful for anyone.  I am having trouble living up to the demands the position requires and have decided it is in the best interest of safety for the kids and the schools educational responsibilities for me to retire.  Basically I don't want to wait for a disastrous incident to force me into retirement and maybe costing me my livelihood or my health going forward. 

Time for a change, I can retire early take a reduced pension have my health care paid for until medicare and walk a way with out any regrets.  I will have to work part time to make up the difference between full retirement that would take effect in 5 years but I think I can handle still working.  Or I can apply for disability retirement and reach that full retirement sum now, I think it will be difficult to get SSDI since I think I am still capable of working all be it not at the job I am now, probably part-time and certainly at an extremely lower pay scale.

Decisions, decisions, I am searching for advice help with weighing the pros and cons of SSDI.  I heat my home with wood, I cut my own firewood, I live on a farm, I don't do field work because the land is rented to another farmer but I garden a large plot, mow 2 acres of grass and generally am a very physically active guy.  I would love to be able to snow ski again (when vertigo is under control).  As I said I do not view myself as disabled, just not able to perform the job I am currently employed.  If I get SSDI am I in jeopardy of loosing benefits if someone sees me doing some type of work at my home?  Is losing the ability to perform my current job enough to warrant SSDI benefits?

I am hoping that some on the forum have been down this decision path and have some good advice for me.  I have gotten good advice so far and appreciate those who have shared their stories and research on this forum.  I have been positively blessed by knowing I am not alone on this journey.   I am not angry, nor devastated, I am happy and still enjoy life, I have always been exploring my way on the path I walk and will continue to do the same.  Life after all is what I make it to be, just another challenge, just another adventure can't wait to see what is next.

[arizonajack]

Yes, necrosis and slight swelling is good news. My AN is about the same size as yours so I use the following images as a guide to the expected progression because the size and shape of the AN in the first images is about the same as mine.

http://ars.els-cdn.com/content/image/1-s2.0-S0360301612004336-gr3.jpg

My six month post GK MRI was similar to image B. I just had my second follow up MRI at 14 months. I expected it to look like image C but my AN appeared to have lost about 2mm in size. I'll have my next MRI in March 2015.

It's quite common that even a small AN (like ours) can cause serious issues. I lost all my hearing in the AN ear and use the Phonak CROS (discussed numerous times elsewhere on this site). I had balance issues (lurching when walking) but those have almost completed resolved.

I did not have the vertigo and dizziness that you and others have reported and I can understand how that could be debilitating.

Whether you choose disability retirement or early regular retirement is a choice that only you can make after considerable study of the options.

But your question about working after getting disability depends on whether your disability retirement is based on "own occupation" or "any occupation." You're going to have to read your disability retirement plan to determine which one and what the potential financial consequences are. Same with SSDI. You can get the answers at the SSA website.

As for doing physical stuff around the house, I spent several years investigating disability claimants and, generally, that's not an issue.

[Ruthie Mac]

Are you part of a teachers union? They might have legal advice. This is a big decision.
I'm self-employed, and have private disability insurance and long-term care. Once diagnosed, I looked into my options, just incase...but am so blessed that my employees can run my business without me. I've been operating at about 50 per cent of my normal activity for almost 2 years now - the first year was just suffering the symptoms before diagnosis, then 6 months of research to decide what to do - decided on radiation, and am now 4 months into recovery from that.
Good news is I'm starting to feel so much better, but cannot work full time yet, and am relieved that I'm not in charge of anything too important (I'm a magazine editor) - no one's safety is at stake.
Just thinking it might be worth getting some good legal advice before you decide. This could be a precedent to help others as well. It's so hard to describe to others why we can do some things, but not others, but our symptoms should never be minimized just because it's a rare condition.
Keep us posted...

[LorieB]

I just want to share with you that I am in a different, yet similar situation.  I am a vo-tech teacher, Graphic Communications and I also work under the same conditions, student type, machinery, etc. I am 47 and was just ready to get back and start looking again (off for 10 years because of children, I have 4) but postop, with ssd and balance issues, I don't think it would be in the best interests for my future students to go back.  I am sad.  I miss it.

I would consult with your pension plan and your union.  I would do a ton of research and might even talk to a financial planner.

I wish you the best.  It is a touugh decision.
Lorie

[Hokiegal]

Hi! I just wanted to say that I sympathize with your feelings regarding disability.  I struggle with the same question, in that I don't see myself as someone who cannot work, but I am concerned about my ability to perform my current job (I'm an engineer in an R&D environment).  Up until recently I attributed my short-term memory and concentration issues to fatigue, but all the specialists had told me that AN should not cause cognitive issues due to its location in the brain.  However, after doing some research, I quickly realized that others share my symptoms.  I started keeping notes on my condition, and came to realize that the situation is not improving, and in fact, may be getting worse.  So I finally took my notes to a psychiatrist who has worked with brain tumor patients, and long story short, I am about to undergo a battery of neuro-psychological tests to evaluate cognitive function.  I did not even know that such a thing existed. 

Disability is not something that I even want to consider, but I also want to be fair to my employer.  Since my return to work, I have not been asked to travel overseas, or to work in a foreign language, but I know that day is coming soon, and I honestly do not know what my functioning ability will be.  So hopefully these test results will help me to objectively assess the situation.  At the same time, I am trying to come to terms with the idea that there is no shame in disability.  It's funny, I have never looked down on others on disability, so I'm not sure why I am having such a hard time considering it for myself.  But I think it's like you said -- I still feel like I can be productive, just maybe this particular job is no longer the best fit for me.

So I want to thank you for sharing your story; it has helped me to clarify my own thoughts on the subject.  I'd also like to encourage you to take some time with this decision -- it's a big one, and your treatment was quite recent.  However, I understand your safety concern -- is it possible for you to take a short leave of absence to see if your condition will improve?  Is teaching another subject an option?  As others have suggested, a legal consultation may be in order.  It may also be helpful to speak with a financial planner who is experienced in disability cases.

All the best to you.

[ewhitese]

My how time flies, I am a month away from my one year gamma knife anniversary will have my next MRI the end of August.  I thought I would do a follow up post on events since original post in march.  I chose to retire early my last day of work was June 6.  I deliberated for several weeks and weighed all my options.  Simplicity in procedure was a factor, to retire early required some paperwork and a thanks a lot here's your hat what's your hurry.  I have had a myriad of symptoms, progress with set backs, self doubt and confirmation that I am doing the right thing.  The decision to retire early is difficult, no one wants to admit that the day of diminished return has arrived and no one wants to accept the change in his own perception of self.

I chose to retire early in stead of applying for disability because I had enough time in, 31 years, that the benefit reduction 15% would be an acceptable loss.  If I went the disability retirement route I would have received a higher benefit but would be subjected to medical examination by the disability board provided doctors on an annual basis, I would have to reapply each year and risk lose of benefit if I did not meet deadlines or was examined by a skeptical doctor.  I could be forced back to work at any point.  I am 55 and for ten years I could be forced back to work at any point.  My employer would be forced to keep a substitute in my position for a period of years before opening the position to a permanent employee.  This would cause harm to student recruitment and a drop in class size that would cause class size restrictions to cut my position to half day half pay.  So all factors considered yes I chose the least complicated and the one best for all parties as well as myself.

The months of May and June were relatively symptom free.  My balance issues and vertigo seemed to be subsiding and I began to question my decision.  My coworkers threw me a wonderful send off and I began to think I pulled the trigger to soon.  To celebrate my wife an I took a trip to Arizona to visit relatives.  We flew into Las Vegas with intention of renting a car and driving the final hour and a half trip to AZ.  I had a vertigo attack through the flight and ended up stuck in a hotel room throwing up for two days. Balance unstable since, a really big step backwards, I realize that I did make the best decision.  Amazing how unpredictable this stuff is.

I completed my application for ssdi this week and expect to be considered the end of August into September.  I may or may not be successful on my own application attempt.  I hope to be back to work at something in the future, but I know I need to take some time for the AN to finish its swell and shrink cycle.  Hopefully I will be able to be gainfully employed at some point.  I look forward to being more productive than I currently am capable, when that will be I am unsure.

So here we are glass half full, on one hand I am happy to be moving into retirement and apprehensive of an unpredictable future on the other.  I expect to be fine and productive in some capacity I have all the time in the world to explore that and find what fits me.

[james e]

Sorry to hear you are having balance issues. I still have them 52 months post-op.

If you just submitted your SSDI application, add 6 months for a final response. You are dealing with the feds and they are never in a hurry.

[stephanieH]

I want to thank you guys for sharing your experiences. I finally decided, 5 years after surgery, to go the medical retirement route.  What a struggle.  My employer requires that I also apply for SSDI simultaneously, but I have no idea what to expect.  If anyone is willing to chat with me about the SSDI application process, I'd appreciate it.  Thanks.

[james e]

You can PM me or we  can talk about it here...your choice.

james