How to speak to your kids about AN surgery for parent

[TomBVA]

Is there any guidance/advice out there for talking to young children about a parents upcoming surgery and recovery process.   I want to be open and honest with my young children but do not want to overly frighten them etc.  Does ANA have any info on this?   Thanks!

[arizonajack]

There's a lot of resources online about talking to kids about medical conditions in general.

I imagine some of them can be adapted to discussing ANs.

Check them out.

https://duckduckgo.com/?q=talking+to+kids+about+medical+conditions

[nftwoed]

Hello;

   Not sure about the ANA, but wish to share when Mom was in hospice, the children actually took her illness and eventual passing than the adults did.

[ewchisek]

Hi. I just had my surgery this past February. I have four small boys ( 8yr, 7yr, 5yr, and 3yr). I was diagnosed right before Christmas, so I of course did not tell them anything until after the holidays. I actually waited until two weeks before. I didn't want them to worry longer than they had to. I told them the doctors found something that would hurt me if I didn't have surgery to remove it. I never used the word tumor or brain...I just thought that sounded really scary! I kinda made it an ear issue, since I would lose hearing in my ear anyway and they would have to get use to that. They actually took it very well. The little two didn't really 'get it' the older two had a couple questions, but for the most part were ok also. I also spoke to all their teachers and friends parents, in case they were 'off' any of the days during my hospital stay, etc...

I had a great support system. I made daily schedule for the week that everyone followed and I kept the same routine as much as I could. I did end up having my facial nerve cut, which wasn't expected, so I didn't have my kids come to the hospital. I did however, FaceTime them every night.

Kids bounce back real quick. They know that their mommy looks different, but I'm still their mommy and that's really all that matters if it weren't for the facial thing, it would of been much easier when I got home...this I'm sure will not happen in your case!

Good luck!

[mk]

My children were 8 and 4 at the time of my surgery. We kept things really simple: "There is something in mommy's ear and the doctor must remove it". They knew that my hearing was already gone from the ear, but they didn't really ask many questions.
 The adults staying around the house while I was having surgery tried not to show that they were worried. They kept the routine, as much as possible. The kids did really well, even though I was away for 3 weeks (I flew to the West cost for my surgery) and now they remember this time as a time that grandma visited and stayed with them.
After I came back they knew that mommy needs rest etc. and they were pretty good about it.
I agree that having a good support system, help from the family and keeping the routine as much as possible is very important in all this.

Marianna

[Jim Scott]

Hi, Tom ~

My son was already an adult at the time of my AN diagnosis, subsequent surgery and irradiation but I know from experience with him when he was a a little boy and his mom had to undergo surgery (and a week-long hospital stay) that the attitude of parents and anyone involved in his/her care is crucial.

My wife and I were as honest as we thought was prudent with a young child and we didn't act worried or talk about the upcoming surgery all the time.  I made an adventure of my boy and I being 'bachelors'.  We ate a lot of TV dinners and watched (usually verboten) scary movies.  When she came home, he had lots of funny stories to tell her about how I messed up 'cooking' dinner, which he found hilarious. 

She recovered well and our son took the whole thing in stride, as it were.  So, by the time of my AN surgery, my now-adult son was fairly sanguine about the whole thing and I assured him that I would be fine.  He never doubted it...and I enjoyed an excellent, rapid recovery, validating his trust.  I attribute his calm acceptance of the situation as an adult to the experience he had with his mom's serious (spinal) surgery and hospitalization when he was a child.  Every family dynamic is unique but I believe that the parents attitude in these situations is vital to helping a child cope.

Jim   

[Sheila1977]

I was very much at peace with my decision and waited until about a week and half before surgery before telling my children (teenager and pre-teen, plus two adult children).  I shared a little more with the adult children and they had questions that I answered when they asked.  With the younger kids, I too spoke about surgery as having to do with my hearing and a growth in my ear that was causing hearing loss.  As said before, the kids will take a cue from how the adults are acting and I did not use words like brain surgery, tumor, etc.  Hoping this helps. 

[Kathleen_Mc]

I found out about my regrowth when my oldest was 2 months old, right from birth my children knew I had previously had surgery for a "bump in my head" and that I had another "bump" that would have to be removed one day.....I never said it was in my brain. My children handled the surgery for the regrowth very well, my daughter was 5 and my son 8, I had it done on the first day of school and they were absolutely fine....the teachers who already knew them had not idea anything usual was going on at home. I returned home after 4 days I think and pulled my backside into that school to meet both teachers and they confirmed they were doing absolutely fine. I think them having always know, at thier level of understanding as they grew made all the difference in the world.

[TomBVA]

Thanks for all the responses to this question, they are all very helpful!   Kids are resilient, the key factor is how the adults act about the situation.

[kmr1969]

Tom,

Kids are resilient and yours may amaze you with how they handle it.   My boys were 13 and 12 when I had my surgery.  My wife and I traveled from Maryland to California for my surgery, so they were at home for almost 2 weeks without us.  They did great and helped out around the house with the dishwasher, washer, dryer, etc.  They were also great when I got back home and looked out for dad while I was on the mend, especially those first few weeks.

Prior to leaving we told them about the surgery, but not in detail, and like others here we tried to not let them see us worry.  We did try and answer any questions they had, but again at a high level and not down in the weeds.

Six months later they started doing P90X with me to help keep me motivated, and they still look out for me.  Kids are great - they don't care that you are using a straw to draw, that your eye doesn't blink just right, or that you need to take 2 naps a day.  They just care that you are back home..

I hope you have a successful surgery and recovery, and I am sure your kids will be a source of strength and inspiration for you.

Ken