should I tell

[flier58]

OK guys,
This is a tough one.  My 81 yo mother lives in Europe.  Due to her age and health issues (including mental), it became very difficult for me to share my diagnosis with her.  My sibling knows what is going on and I update her with new developments.  We agreed to spare my mom until I decide on procedure.  I am going to have CK in Nov.  I called my mom today but she was very distraught, kept crying on the phone, complaining about her health.  I did not have a heart to let her know.  Now I have a huge dillema whether I should tell her about the procedure, when and what etc.  I would tell her for sure if I had to have craniatomy which may have immidiate negative consequences but I am going to have CK which will (or hopefully won't) have delayed complications.
  Should I wait and tell her after CK.  I am simply afraid that she may not be able to handle "brain tumor" and I don't think I can ease her anxiety.  My mom is very educated and smart woman however age is taking it's toll on her perception of many things.
It is a huge  moral dilemma that I am trying to deal with on top of everything else.
Your thoughts? 

Sincerely,

 Flier58
   

[Chris]

Hi Flier,
I am in the same position. Although mum is relatively well we recently lost dad to a long illness. Mum can be a bit over the top sometimes and I would hate to put her through more stress or have her fuss over me as I don't need that. My symptoms are not noticeable to anyone after FSR so I am choosing not to tell her. We had a discussion on this previously on this site. Maybe someone can let you know where to find it.
Regards
Chris

[nancyann]

Hi Flier: Sorry to hear the trouble - my mom's going to be 81, but is sharp & in such great shape she took care of me the 1st 2 weeks - & swam everyday because she was bored alot ( she's in way better shape then me, even teaches aerobics at her retir. condo).   In your case, I definitely wouldn't tell your mom at this time, but that's me, I don't know the whole situation;  it's a tough call. 
Keep the faith, Nancy

[Boppie]

To all you folks who have "older" loved ones:  When I had my surgery at age 63 I agreed with my sisters and brothers that our widowed Mom, 86, would not be told about the date or diagnosis.  I didn't tell mom about my translab until three months post op.  She couldn't understand the big deal over hearing issues anyway as she'd been through so many terminal losses of siblings, relatives, and spouse.  But mom does know that tumor means "bad".  Besides I felt assured that I'd at least "make it out of the ICU". Mom has no sense of humor about such things. 

The problem is older people remember when [someone went in for surgery, they "opened him up and he was finished"]...this meaning cancer was found too late and people couldn't get further treatment.  Of course this scenario is an exaggeration but they (older folks) have bad memories and firm beliefs, and who among us hasn't heard similar lore? 

AN forum members, you are lucky if your elder person is "hip" enough to use PCs and surf the net for medical information.   God bless them and you.

So, in my opinion, it is better to keep your affairs in the hearts of your most able caregivers and let mom and dad rest from the worry.   Tell her later when you can celebrate your new normal and show that you can "carry on".  At my young age I'd have one wish for my own children, that they are equipped to "carry on", too.

[Joef]

I told people at work it was a tumor on the hearing nerve, and they would go in behind the ear causeing hearing loss .... I never used the term "Brain Tumor" 

[Jeanlea]

I told my grandma, who is 81, about my surgery only because I knew other people would tell her anyway since we live so close to each other.  Just knowing what I know about your situation you might want to consider waiting to tell your mother until you are done with your treatment.  It sounds like you have support from others and don't need it from her.  As long as there is no one else that is likely to tell her, I see no harm in waiting.  But you have all the background info.  Good luck to you.

Jean

[matti]

My grandmother was 85 when I was diagnosed and I was very hesitant about telling her as she was not in good health. I decided I had to because I knew she would find out, so I approached it like Joef and did not use the term brain tumor, instead telling her it was a tumor in the ear. After my surgery, she did find out the full extent of what I had and was actually thankful that I had told her in the manner in which I did.

I know this is a very tough position to be in, you know in your heart what is best.

Take care and keep us posted, let us know the date of your CK, so we can all wear our magic pirate socks.

cheryl

[Battyp]

I agree tough call but...it doesn't sound like your mom lives close to you?  Given what you said I wouldn't tell her the extent of what you have I think I'd just leave it as you're having to have a procedure if you tell her anything at all.  For my my mom was the first one I told as I knew I'd need her support with my son if something happened to me (plus I live 10 mins from her).  I know my brother who lives in seattle tends to tell mom after the fact of stuff to spare her the worry (his wife is a nurse who runs an oncology floor so she's more helpful anyway).  She does actually appreciate it most times after she gets over the inital mad  LOL 
Have you talked to your siblings to see what they say about it?
Keep us posted on your treatment...we like to put on our pirate socks!

[marystro]

Hi flier,

I did not tell my mom who is 77.  But having my brothers and close friends with me from the beginning was most helpful.  These "younger" folks are much more up todate with technologies and can lend clarity, calm and shoulders to cry on.  A few weeks after my treatment, I told my mom.  I was totally surprised that she took it so well and even understood the radiation medical language.  She even advised me that I need to have on-going monitoring, eat well, exercise, the whole bit!  I guess I am always a little girl in her mind and must be reminded of how to live as most mothers do  .

So, it really depends on how YOU feel and whether your mother is up to it given her own situation.  Sounds like she already has a handful with her own condition.  Sorry to hear about that.  I will be thinking about you with Alex's pirate socks on Nov 3.

Mary

[kat]

HI

Everyone is different and must make their judgement accordingly. We chose not to tell my Father in law who is 81 and worries terribly about everything . We lost my mother in law just before I got my diagnosis and it really was not a good time for any more bad news . Since I had GK and no visible after effects it was not too difficult to keep it secret ,in fact only my closest friends know . I my case that was the best choice .

Regards Katarina