Suzanne ~
I'm sorry to learn about your disappointments with your family's response to your AN issues. Unfortunately, this is not the first time I've read about this happening. I won't try to play psychoanalyst and explain all the possible reasons why the people closest to you can sometimes seem so insensitive. I will say that change is always difficult and one cannot expect others to turn into different people overnight. If you've been the 'rock' for your family until now, they probably can't understand why you can't go on being the same person, even though you have AN issues. As you stated, your deficits are virtually invisible and so, easily ignored by others. Frankly, some serious conversations need to take place with your husband to awaken him to the reality of your situation. If that happens, the conversation should not be accusatory on your part or whiny, for that matter, as that will just start off on the wrong foot, as it were. Tears should be avoided, if possible, because even if you don't mean to, your crying puts your husband on the defensive and can make the conversation seem like he's been tried and found guilty by you, which is not the way you really feel, I'm sure.
My wife of 40 years suffers with a variety of ailments; Fibromyalgia, Crohn's disease, spinal problems (many surgeries) and for years, I've taken care of the house cleaning and sundry other chores that she cannot perform. She cooks all our meals (just the way I like them), grocery shops and, in my opinion, takes very good care of me. Even with her deficits and limitations, my wife is quite active and rarely complains, unless shes really hurting that day. We love and support each other in whatever way we can. I hope that you and your husband can find a similar accommodation. However, my wife and I have gradually learned how to do what is needed for each other. It doesn't happen overnight or after one heart-to-heart talk. Give your family some time but do let them know what is happening and that although you love them, you're just no longer able to do everything you used to do, even though you would like to. Ask for their help. Make it a 'team' effort, if possible. I want to repeat that you should avoid being accusatory in word or tone or your family may get defensive and this will end up worse than before. Don't talk about being disappointed with them. Consider that they probably don't realize what they're doing and what they need to do to 'take up the slack'. Of course, even in the best of families, adversity can bring out aspects of family member's personalities that are a bit of a shock and sometimes destructive. I trust that won't be case with yours, but the caution should be stated.
In the final analysis, you are a 'different person' in some aspects but at your core, you're still 'you'. Don't allow your inability to do everything you once did to define who you are. Don't let who you really are be determined simply by your ability to do the cooking and cleaning. I clean our residence every day and don't give it a thought. My cleaning does not define me any more than my wife's cooking defines her. I hope your family, especially your husband, will be able to understand that reality and that you can help him do so. That would benefit everyone. I hope this post is not too presumptive but I felt it necessary to offer you more than sympathy. This is the result. I trust that it will hold some benefit for you.
Jim
