So I had my retrosig surgery November 2nd. The path leading to that day was filled with fear, anxiety, anticipation, and longing for it to be done so that I could go forward with my life. The day of surgery, I really did just want to go home. But I had put my trust in my amazing surgical team in Massachusetts General Hospital with Drs. Barker and Quesnell. I had amazing care. Truly. I cannot say enough about MGH and should ever have to choose a facility for your craniotomy I fully promote MGH. I swear they filter some kind of special chemical in the air because every employee...no matter how high or low on the ladder...was kind, tender, and caring. I'm so grateful for their tender care.
So I woke from surgery with no facial issues but did lose total hearing in my right ear. I was okay with this. I came home 4 days later. I think I was ready. My PT and OT had released me and everyone seemed fairly impressed with my progress. I had a good first full day at home. My mother kindly helped me wash my hair and fee more human. I went to the grocery store and enjoyed driving the scooter around. I woke up that next morning in tears. Exhausted. Frustrated. Weak. Suddenly mourning the loss of my hearing. Afraid that I would never have my independence back. I now rotate day to day with my depression and good days. I was prepared for pain after surgery. I wasn't prepared for the general emotional roller coaster that I am experiencing.
My family and friends remind me that I had surgery one week ago. My skull was cut open. It's okay to be sad, then happy, then tired...then giddy. I'm allowed. And that I'm to allow myself the right to heal at my own pace. Rest when I need rest. Eat when I need fuel in my body. Walk when my energy is available. And let those that love and care for me help. I'm an independent woman so feeling like such a burden now is incredibily tough. But I'm trying. This is a new life lesson for me. It's okay to ask for help.
Long story short? My tumor is gone. So is my hearing. I have no regrets. I'm grateful to wake and see the sun. I'm happy to see my boyfriend and my pets and smell the crisp Autumn air. I'm grateful to be giving another chance to get my life back. I do not regret. But I must accept and cope. I must allow my body to heal and take this time for myself. For the first time in my life.
Thank you for listening. I don't always feel that everyone else around me understands. The elation and the loss combined all at once.
Nikki
