Eventhough the chances of getting one of these AN's is 1 to 100,000(maybe even more under 30) according to some website, I actually feel really good about things. I can honestly say I never had a pity party or thought "why me?" or "poor me". Well maybe for a second, but not really. I don't mean to brag, but I never cried thru this whole ordeal. And i'm a very emotional person. Hell, I get a little misty eyed at the end of home alone...LOL. But I can truly say, that I can now stop and smell the roses so to speak.
I guess any near death experience can make you feel this way. Being more appreciative of life. Although, I have more problems now than I ever did, i'm actually more optimistic about life in general. I used to be on Zoloft for anxiety. And yes, I used to get anxious, nervous and occasionally depressed. I don't really feel that way anymore. I think over time, I learned some coping skills, plus after this whole AN thing, I think it really made me have a better perspective on life.
Being sick, I found out how much my parents really cared for me. I mean they always cared for me, but they never expected that something like an AN can come crashing down on our world. But in all honesty, it was better for both me and them. I know I realized how much they cared and didnt take as much for granted anymore. I realized they're good people, even if my Mom is a professional worrier. But then again, if she wasn't so cautious, matters may have been worse.
Also, I realized about how my friends and co-workers really cared for me. And even my employer! not to mention some of the other top ranking officials at my work place. My ex-girlfriend really didnt care though. She was so alarmed at first and so caring about things, but it seemed like when the **** hit the fan, where was she? Oh well. I still have the "just a cyst then?" stuck in my head. How heartbreaking it was at first, but I really realized how much my friends were the ones who really cared. And I learned to appreciate them more as well. I used to think, what happens if I disappered for awhile? Or who would care if I'm dead? But I stand corrected. The sicker you get the wiser you get, realizing you really know who cares.
I'm grateful cause things could've been a lot worse. I don't suffer from headaches, Tinnitus, speech issues and all the other horrible things I may have forgot to mention. Sometimes I get numbness on my face, weird eye feelings, a sharp pain behind my eye, weird involuntary movements of my face near the eye, I can't chew on the right side, I drink from a straw, my face droops, my balance is f-ed up(slowly improving), i'm deaf in one ear and at night sometimes, I suffer from a type of post-traumatic stress...but these are all things that come with the territorry, as you more than well know.
Most of it is getting better. With ambition and a good attitude towards my goals, im certain that some of these things won't bother me or will get better with time and hard work. I must say I was really moved by the people in here too. I know i'm kinda treatin this post as a journal, I'm sorry. I just want to get across that even with certain mishaps and some permanent issues, I am very happy to be alive. I can really say that it was the first day of the rest of my life.
