Hi, Nani ~
No wonder you feel angry at 'life'. However, you've certainly received some useful and truly caring replies to your heartrending post. I just wanted to offer you my 'welcome' and express my sorrow in learning about your troubles. Admittedly, I'm not a doctor but I must state that I have my doubts concerning your doctor's claim that you can't ever consider another pregnancy, based on the possibility that your previous pregnancy-induced hormone release 'triggered' growth of the AN. That's an interesting theory but hardly a fact. Although it's not scientific, I think Kay's experience ('Kaybo'), including 3 very successful post-op pregnancies is most informative. You might want to consider giving her a call.
I'm not a woman and so I won't pretend to fully understand your feelings about being denied having more children, but, as a parent, I can understand your anger at family and friends who fail to grasp the depth of your sorrow and sense of loss when dealing with this possibility. Unfortunately, as we've discussed in this forum numerous times, that lack of sensitivity from friends and family is extremely common. I believe that, while their support is wonderful and helpful, in many instances, we have to learn to emotionally support ourselves. Others won't - or are simply unable. As I often point out, everybody has their own set of issues they're dealing with - sometimes its things we know nothing about because they refuse to talk about them - and as individuals, we have only so much empathy and emotional support to give to others while dealing with our own problems. In biblical terms, each of us carries his/her own 'cross'.
Your baby's tremor's are certainly upsetting. I recall my son being an infant and developing Pyloric stenosis (projectile vomiting) at just 3 weeks of age. My wife and I were very worried but we had an excellent pediatrician and the problem was surgically repaired with no further issues. I can only hope and pray that your son, Gabriel, will not be found to have a serious problem and that he can be easily treated. Considering your experiences, I can sympathize with your wariness about dealing with neurologists. I wouldn't be hostile toward the neurologist. I might suggest that before visiting the doctor, you write down the questions you wish to ask. That way, you won't have to depend on your memory and can answer the doctor's questions but still have your questions answered, thus making the consultation more useful for both of you.
If you have a spiritual faith, this would be a good time to call on it. If not, you would probably do well to turn your anger into a steely determination to overcome the obstacles you face; your own recovery, the threat of not being able to bear more children, your baby's tremors, your mother's breast cancer diagnosis and even the death of your pet, which can all add up to a daunting array of obstacles to conquer. Take them one at a time, especially your own recovery. You're already dealing with your son's problem and will be consulting other doctors about the possibility of another pregnancy relating to a tumor re-growth. You can support your mother and certainly mourn the loss of your dog.
At 23, you have your youth to help you cope as well as a very young child to raise, which is a serious task in itself but one that is a joy, as many can tell you. I hope your husband will continue to try to help you. I'm sure he wants to but if you tell him or infer that as a man, he simply can't understand what you're going through, you've basically shut him out and said that he can't help. This isn't the best way to deal with your frustration and sorrow. I think you realize that and I hope you'll be able to work with your husband as a 'team', as you fight the battles you face, both physical and emotional. My wife and I have been married for 39 years and have always worked that way. She was my 'rock' during my AN surgery and subsequent recovery. I tried to be there for her during back surgeries she endured a few years earlier. We've both lost our parents and we both went through the usual stresses of raising our son. We've weathered job losses, financial problems, health problems - and more. It's all part of living and we always worked as a team to get through it all. Not to pretend that that we didn't have our times of angry, raised voices and slammed doors - because we did. But we never gave up on each other, no matter what. We also enjoyed and intend to enjoy lots of good times, too, just as you and your husband will. I always remind folks struggling with problems that it won't always be this way. Nothing stays the same, forever. You'll eventually recover, you'll deal with your son's medical issues and I bet you have another baby some day. That isn't to pretend that the way it is right now doesn't suck. It does. No sugar coatings here, Nani. I'm just making the point that you should consider trying to focus on the future and not allow yourself to be mired in anger and resentment, which can cloud your judgment. However, venting is good for the psyche and this forum is a great place to do it, so feel free. We understand and support you and we hope you'll be able to feel better, soon - and that maybe we've helped just a little bit.
Jim
