Angry

[Vivian B.]

Hi Nani,

I have seen your other posts. I know that there is no easy answers to any of your issues. Anger is normal to feel, but just know that the issues will resolve overtime, and slowly you will find peace in all the doubts that you have. Although it is understood it won't be easy, as it never is. If you deal with it one day at a time, it won't be so overwhelming. I don't know how to explain this, but during a lot of issues of my own such as loss of father, teenage issues, other medical issues, including this meningioma that took the nobel prize, I came to realize that everything needs to be kept in perspective and you almost need to live life moment by moment as the big picture is too overwhelming. Walks are extremely good when you feel anxious, a good comedy show sometimes does the trick. It doesn't resolve the issues but your mind needs that moment of distraction to keep on going. Things will get better.

Vivian

[moe]

Hi Nani,
Wow just hang in there one day at a time. I love the prayer of Serenity even if it is for AA meetings! I say it every day or a couple of times..
Some days it seems like there are a million worries and I feel discombobulated/anxious/tired/depressed.
And then other days I feel OK! Seize the good days.

You do feel cheated because you are young and all you really want to do is just be normal mom and enjoy your baby and life Like Kaybo said -don't give up.

Life will continue to happen and you will be blessed with many happy times and hopefully a happy healthy baby in the future. It just seems like soooo much, but you will become ever stronger.
Remember whatever doesn 't kill you only makes you stronger......

The Serenity Prayer goes like this --
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next. Amen.

Hang in there
Maureen

[Lyssa]

Nani, I'm really late jumping in here but I just wanted to say you have every right to be upset.

However, as others have said - there is no real substantiated evidence that pregnancy hormones cause AN growth. I saw my ENT surgeon 2 days ago for my 8 month MRI. My husband and I had wanted to start a family this time last year, but I was diagnosed with the AN, which of course put everything on hold.

My 8 month post-op MRI showed "something", either scar tissue or tumor - the doc is not sure which. He gave me the official "OK" to get pregnant and made it clear that while they do see pregnant women with large ANs, there is nothing to prove that pregnancy will always cause the AN to go crazy.  I cannot even imagine not having children, it's the only thing I've ever really been sure of in my life!

THings just have a way of working out, you are still very young and no way should you give up on any of your dreams b/c of what one surgeon told you.

[saralynn143]

Maureen, thank you for posting the entire text of the Serenity prayer. So often it is truncated after the first two lines, and bandied about as a platitude. I especially like the line "accepting hardships as the pathway to peace."

Sara

[moe]

Your welcome, Sara
Hope others can benefit from it.
Maureen

[Doc]

Hi Nani,

I'm way late reading your original post and those that followed.  You've got every right to be mad as hell.  I'm still really pissed at 11 weeks post-op.  I'm not gonna try and tell you what to do only what I do that makes me feel a little more at peace with my new normal.  I write whatever come's to mind, mean, nasty, sarcastic, funny, not so funny, it doesn't matter, I just write.  I also eat cookies, lots of cookies, mostly Chocolate Chip, the big soft ones.  That's what works for me, writing and cookies.  Almost forgot my dog, Freddie the Wonder Pug, he makes it all feel better too.

You take care, have a box of cookies and give the people that mean the most to you and love you a big hug!

  
Doc

PS:  Read this blog entry and you'll see what I wrote on the subject less than a month ago (no bad language or nothing, just my really scary picture...boo!): http://www.docbreger.com/TWAT-D/Tumor_Talk/Entries/2009/10/1_I_Get_So_Angry.html  

[Lyssa]

Sorry, just have to interject here... Freddie is adorable!! I have two pugs, Reggie and Eleanor Giselle. Getting to stay home w/ them for a few months post-op was awesome

[Doc]

Sorry, just have to interject here... Freddie is adorable!! I have two pugs, Reggie and Eleanor Giselle. Getting to stay home w/ them for a few months post-op was awesome

Thanks Lyssa, he's a great dog and has been a really good friend in my post-op world too!

Doc

[ppearl214]

Have to note that my Queenie Beanie (pug) stayed by my side (as a new appendage) during my treatment.  Watched me like a Pug-hawk that she is, was very under foot and never left my side. Her unconditional love post-treatment was truly  something.


My Beanie:



Phyl

Sorry, just have to interject here... Freddie is adorable!! I have two pugs, Reggie and Eleanor Giselle. Getting to stay home w/ them for a few months post-op was awesome

Thanks Lyssa, he's a great dog and has been a really good friend in my post-op world too!

Doc

[Doc]

I just knew the morning wouldn't be complete until Dr. Phyl posted a big Beanie picture for all to see...Good Morning Phyl & Beanie...Freddie and I just finished our breakfast, we had French Toast!  Have a Fun Day!
 
Doc

[another NY postie]

Hi, Nani,
I can't offer much more than what people have already said - that your anger is COMPLETELY understandable and normal, that you will impove day by day, inch by inch, that you will get through this tremendously horrible time of your life, and that this is a great place to VENT.  Your circumstances are incredibly stressful right now.  A month after I was diagnosed, I ended up in ER with a roaring case of mastistis, except I am 47 non-nursing.  So while I was spending all my time seeing neurologists, I also had to see a breast surgeon, have mammograms, sonograms, etc to rule out a very scary type of breast cancer.  In the end, it turned out to be truly a very odd case of mastistis.  I didn't fit in any of the categories for getting this, but I did and it was probably due to the stress.  Then my mother-in-law had two strokes, had to have her leg amputated, and finally passed after a month struggle and my husband also lost one of his dearest friends at age 58.  I kept thinking, "are you kidding me, isn't a brain tumor enough?!?!!???"
You also have a sick child which is the most stressful thing I think a mother can go through.  Truly, deeply, scary.  So all I can offer you is my prayers and support and a vitual hug and hand holding.  Please keep us posted.  You do need to take care of yourself which I know probably seems like an impossible thing with both your child and your mother needing you too.  But you really need to heal.  Journaling might be a great way to get all those mixed-up feelings out.  I hope Lexapro helps take the edge off of all of this for you.

I am thinking of you...check in often
Cheryl

PS  I also would add that I have read several threads of people going on to have second or more children post AN and did not get another AN or have regrowth.  Someone had their An diagnosed during their first pregnancy and was afraid, but did not have any issues.  I would get a second opinion on this.  Each pregnancy is different also hormone-wise.  While the pregnancy might possibly have caused your AN to spurt grow, I doubt that the pregnancy caused the AN.

[lawmama]

I'm so sorry, Nani.

You have every right to be angry.  The things you have gone through aren't fair and as a mother I can certainly understand how very upset you are that your son is having medical problems.  That is the ultimate pain for a mother.

Nothing I could ever say would make things better, but just know that I do understand and I think you have every right to be mad, sad, angry, or whatever it is you are feeling.  I'm glad you felt that you could share that here.

Lyn

[ghenier27]

Nani, 

I would like to say that your not alone, we are in an odd sense a huge family. I can relate to your story. I have a daughter who was born with a spinal cord defect called Spina bifinda. She is 32 years old now but has had 48 operations in her lifetime so far. My husband died 18 years ago and my Mom commented suicded just 30 days later. We really have no family to speak of or would offer to help us if we needed it and not in a money kinda of way. It has always been just Pooh and I. In 2007, Pooh got sick again with a serious kidney problem that took 1 1/2 years to fix and I basically went in debit above my head to get her what she needed. BUT IT SAVED HER KIDNEYS. 4 months later, I found out about my tumor. Life has been hard and I think at times that is what got to recovery so fast. I didn't have a choice.

In this lifetime, I have had people ask me " Don't you think she would be better off dead?" Of course, I don't ever think about it. Do I get mad, upset - of course! But I always try to find a postive thoughts to get me threw. It is so easy to get angry, mad afterall- who said life was fair?  I can truly say since coming home from the hosptial - the ONLY help that I had was someone to pull Pooh into her wheelchair and into her bed. From the time I came home from the hosptial, I fixed our own meals, showered without a shower chair, did the clothes washing and so on.   

Do I sit around thinking just how much more weight on my shoulders can I take?  No, I do alot of walking which I learned early on that helps with stress and actually clears my head.
I do hope things get better for you and I hope my story helped to let you know your not alone on this board. We are all here willing to lend you support and understanding when needed. Debi

[Tricia (horsekayak)]

Know that many of us endure daily struggles that we try our best to get through.  Although everyone's struggles may be different in nature, the one thing we all (collectively) have learned.... regardless of what is going on in each one's life.... we are certainly here for each other. Please remember that.

So, with that said.... again, welcome to you.... please hang in there... and all the bad jokes and commentaries are in the "AN Community" forum.   Yes, we all try to laugh as well.

Phyl

I hope it's accepted Forum Etiquette to quote another, but I love what Phyl said in her post to you, and want to echo it again to you

This has truly been a journey of ups and ups and down down down downest then up a little and then a little bit more up. It's because of this forum that I can drag out of bed on some days.  There really are people out here who care, and who are sending all kinds of good thoughts and support.  While none of us can walk others' exact road,s we are all certainly standing along the way, cheering each other on, and enjoying each other's bad jokes!!!

All the best,
Tricia (horsekayak)

[jazzfunkanne]

there is folk on the site who have went on too have 2 or more kids after the removal of a AN