Counting my blessings instead of sheep

[Rich56]

Hi Everyone,

I have been wanting to share but felt I really did not have the right, not being the ANer, but rather the spouse/caregiver.  Also, sharing our feelings with others is something still very new to Scarlett and I. 

Something happened Thursday evening, so……. here I go.

I don’t quite know where or really how to start, but will try not to write a book which is hard once I get started.

My (our, Scarlett works there too) work place has shifted my hours, so I start my week at 2:00 a.m. Monday morning with, a 4 hour shift, then do three 12 hour shifts 6 p.m. to 6 a.m..  So Thursday night was my transition night, back to normal sleeping.  After going to bed around 2 a.m. Friday I woke up at 6 a.m., took a couple melatonin to help me get back to sleep and a ciprofloxacin for my Sinusitis.  My mind would not stop, so here I am.

After losing her job after 25 years when the shop closed it’s doors in 2004, Scarlett and I were pretty down for a long time.  Since that time I’ve lost my oldest brother Russ to cancer, both my Godparents, along with a few Aunts and Uncles.  A year ago on 10/8/08 Scarlett went to her Dr. after experiencing dizziness and hearing loss, and on 11/12/08 was diagnosed with a 2 ½ cm mass, the AN Journey began.

On 11/28/08 Scarlett’s sister’s brother-in-law Bob passed away.  Since his death, we have become close with his wife Shirley.

On 1/2/09, the day after our 26th wedding anniversary, we found out I might have prostate cancer.  So, Scarlett had her surgery on 3/18/09, and on 4/3/09 I had prostate biopsies to see if I had prostate cancer.  The biopsies showed benign inflammation, no cancer.  Two months ago our work place announced that it was closing, and moving operations to Mexico.  Scarlett will once again be unemployed, as will I after 15 years with the company.  On 9/10/09 I went to my Dr. because of facial pressure around my right eye, and ear.  A CT scan on 9/17/09 showed I have Sinusitis.

The bull just does not seem to stop!  And neither does the spiral downward with depression.

The AN Journey is quite an emotional roller coaster, as you all know.  And although Scarlett’s surgery went extremely well, she has balance issues, constant pressure in her head, and daily head aches.  She goes to VPT usually every other week, and has an appointment to see a headache specialist (thanks Phil) in November.

Thursday evening Shirley stopped by to visit.  She had just come from the Veterans Cemetery, it was Bob’s birthday.  Bob’s funeral was a year ago 11/28/09.

Friday morning at 6:27 a.m., while I waited for the melatonin to do it’s job (counting sheep so to speak), the emotions started to flow.  I started thinking of how Scarlett’s (and mine) life has been changed forever, and all the other crap we have been through.

Here I was feeling sorry for myself and Shirley just visited us on her husband’s birthday.  This woman of 58 manages to get up every morning, put on a smile, and get on with life.  She reminds me of Tom Hanks in Cast Away where he says you just have to get up every morning and breathe.

So I decided to kick myself in the A$$ and count my blessings instead of sheep.
(Bing Crosby & Rosemary Clooney – Count your Blessings - White Christmas)

Scarlett is a live, I don’t have prostate cancer, and the CT scan only showed a sinus infection.

Rich

P.S. When Scarlett woke up, I asked her how she slept and how she was feelings, as I always do.  She replied, “my head was uncomfortable all night, but no major headache”.  I replied, “but your alive”.  That started the conversation of “Count your Blessings”, and she does

[Adrienne]

We all need those little reminders once and a while to get us back 'on track'.  I'm glad you're able to see the glass half full today, and hope the feeling lasts with you for a long time.

Cheers (and hugs)

Adrienne

[alicia]

I agree that there are times in life that we feel we can not get ahead...Hang in there.  A card recently given to me said ~

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on.

Rich, you and Scarlett have been through a lot.  I am glad that you are able to talk about how you feel...we are blessed to share in your roller coaster     Alicia

[Jim Scott]

Rich ~

Thanks for taking the time and emotional effort necessary to offer us that excellent post.

We all get depressed (at some level) when we add up our losses, be they physical, emotional and/or material.  They are real.  The key to avoiding long-term clinical depression (that can take control of your life) is to - as you did - look around, see what others endure every day - and realize what you have going in your favor.  Often, it's a lot more than you thought.  Sure, stacking others loses against your own doesn't change the reality of your losses, whatever they may be, but it does help put them into perspective, which is the whole point of the exercise. 

I know that many other folks reading your post can add their own list of losses (this would include me) and also what others close to us have endured - and realize how lucky we are, even with the reality of our deficits.  Again, it's about gaining a realistic perspective, not simply ignoring unpleasant realities or sugar-coating things that are unpleasant. I hope and will pray that the job situation will improve for you and your wife.  Once again, I want to thank you for your many contributions to these forums and specifically, the heartfelt post that opened the thread.

Jim

[Rich56]

Hi Adrienne, Alicia, and Jim, thank you all very much for the support

Adrienne, I normally do look at the class half full.  I guess it was just starting to get the better of me.  I think it was partially because I was reluctant to share, and should have known better, especially with all of you on the forum.

Alicia, I love that expression.
When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on.
I believe it is I who is blessed to have all of you.  Everyone on this site has been there for us from the start, and as I said, I should have known I could open up from the start.

And Jim, putting things into perspective is essential.  I try to look at those that have problems too, and say, if they can fight the fight than so can I.  Sometimes it gets hard.

As a spouse/caregiver I have tried to give back, however, it can be difficult to figure out where the boundaries are.  I have learned that on this forum there aren’t any, and I hope that message reaches others that have felt that same way.

Again Adrienne, Alicia, and Jim, thank you

Rich

[CHD63]

Rich .....

Just now seeing this thread.  You need to know that the sharing of your very personal story touched me in a way that I have not felt for a long time.  Many times I have given in to the "fatigue," not wanting to admit that sometimes, maybe many times, my fatigue is actually a form of depression.  Your story really helped me to put everything into perspective and I thank you for that.

My thoughts and prayers as you and Scarlett work through these current hurdles.  It will get better.

Clarice

[moe]

Rich,
thanks for caring and sharing. It is very therapeutic.
The thing about AN surgery and beyond is like this: I survived brain surgery! I'm alive! Though maybe not the same person I was before, I have limitations and they affect me every day.
I go at a slower pace, try to treat myself, but the darn world of living gets in the way. The trial/tribulations/deaths/job losses don't help in that long term recovery.
So you guys hang in there. You have each other. You are an incredible support for your wife. Most husbands just don't get it. You do! Charlotte is tres blessed.
It does get so tiring, emotionally mostly, through the years when the world keeps spinning and one is trying to control whatever symptoms they have to endure day after day after day after day.......... be it headaches/ringing/deafness/wonkyheadedness/eye and face issues......the list goes on and on.
Lots of hugs are in order so just do that too!!!!
Maureen

[Rich56]

Hi Clarice, Donnalynn, and Maureen,

Life certainly has a way of throwing us curve balls.  We get tired and feel that we’re losing the fight.  The depression is really exhausting.  Then something happens and reminds us of what we have to be thankful for.

I know you have all had your share of curve balls, some more than others, and I pray for brighter days ahead for you and your loved ones.

If you were able to draw strength from my experience, then that fills my heart

This whole support thing is a wonderfully powerful circle.  You drew strength from my story, and now I am drawing more strength from that fact, and all of the other replies.  That is a win win for everyone in my book.

Thank you,

Rich

[sgerrard]

Rich,

I hope you know you are always welcome to post on any subject. Caregivers are part of the family too. Besides, you are our Week in AN World reporter now.

I also applaud you for breaking with the stereotype of men being reluctant to discuss their feelings. It turns out most of us have them too.

There are days when having a hangnail can get me down; job worries are serious business and no fun at all. Somehow we have to keep remembering what is really important, which is interacting with other people in all the wonderful ways that can happen, regardless of what ails us.

If I remember right, Bing offered that song as a suggestion to help Rosemary fall  asleep - along with a glass of warm milk.

Steve

[lori67]

Rich,

It would be hard for anyone to always stay positive when things seem to be coming at you all at once.  Too bad there's not a way to spread out these challenges over time because having to deal with one thing instead of 10 would probably not seem so daunting.

I'm glad you and Scarlett can lean on each other (she may have to literally LEAN on you!  ), and you know the AN family is always here for you.

Hold on to that rope!
Lori

[epc1970]

Rich
I would like to thank you for this post because it was a good reminder to me to keep my eye on the ball as far as the real important things in life. I have spent the weekend stressed out about a work situation and your words helped me recenter myself in terms of what is really important to me and what I have to be thankful for: my health and how blessed I am to have come thru my surgery and recovery so well. What I have learned about myself throughout this journey is invaluable and I hope that no matter what comes my way in life, I hope that I can always hold onto this expirence as a guide to navigate rough waters. Thank you and best wishes to both you and Scarlett!
Erin

[leapyrtwins]

Rich -

I'm so sorry to hear of all the things you and Scarlett have had to deal with in recent years.  I hope that by sharing with us it's relieved your burden even a little bit.

We've all been in the AN boat - and in addition, many of us have been in other "boats" with other life circumstances that haven't always been easy.  We all have had our "issues".

I hope that things improve for you and Scarlett.  If there is anything we can do to help, please don't hesitate to ask us.

Best,

Jan

[Rich56]

Hello Steve, Lori, Erin, and Jan

Steve, you and the others have always made my feel welcome.  I am not afraid to admit that I like a good chick flick, I am a romantic at heart.  The only movies I do not watch are horror movies.  I would rather a good car chase, comedy, or love story.  I do not care about blood guts and gore.  We have enough to scare the pants off of us right here in the AN World

Lori, I agree with you.  If things had been spread out more it would have been easier to deal with.  It is funny that mentioned Scarlett leaning on me.  When we went to the NASCAR races on 9/20 she did find hanging on to my arm made the crowd movement calm down.  Hanging on to that rope reminds me of when we had to climb the rope in gym class.  I wish that one had knots in it.

Erin, I am sorry that you have been stressed out.  I wish we could leave our work issues at work when we walk out the door, but that is easier said than done.   I am glad you found my post helpful.  Helping others be it directly or indirectly is a good feeling.

Jan, sharing was the best thing I could have done.  I wish I had opened up earlier.  Scarlett’s surgery went extremely well, and I am so thankful for that, it was just one thing after another that took a toll on me.  You and the others have helped reinforce my eye opening experience.

Thank you all for your support,

Rich

[ppearl214]

Rich

Would LOVE to see this in the "Caregivers" forum as you are one example of a wonderful caregiver to Scarlett.  She is soooooo lucky to have you... and I know you are sooooo lucky to have her.

Like you, I've been slammed with this and that over the past year (just like so many others here).  I'm now a caregiver in a VERY difficult situation, all the while, trying to take care of myself. I look at the bloke and say to him "how could you marry me with all this crap going on in my life?".  He tells me he married me for the dog   His little cheeky way of telling me that he really does love me and through thick and thin, he's there for me.

... as I know you are both there for each other.

Counting blessings... even in my darkest of times, I try to count the blessings... and you and Scarlett have many to count.  We may not have money, we may not have a lot in material things... the world, sometimes, seems to crash down around us.... BUT, to have someone so very special in our lives, that loves us to the depths of our souls unconditionally, that love is what per serveres. 

we'll count blessings on the 25th. We'll raise a glass (or indulge in dumplins) to show that life, as much as it dishes out, really is good to us in so many ways. We are walking this good green earth and we cherish each moment we are on it.......  I got a huggle save for you.

Phyl

[Rich56]

Hi Cheri, Phyl, and Donnalynn,

I apologize for taking so long to reply,

Thank you Cheri, hugs don’t cost a dime, and they mean so……..much

Phyl, you certainly do have your hands full, and you still manage to be here for everyone on the forum.  I know compliments make you uncomfortable, but you truly are a very special woman, and we are so fortunate to have you.  I’m glad you have your soul mate to share the good and the bad, he’s a lucky Bloke

You said it so perfectly, that it needs to be said again, “to have someone so very special in our lives, that loves us to the depths of our souls unconditionally, that love is what perseveres”.

I knew I loved Scarlett, that was never in question, but this AN Journey really made me realize just how much.

I’ll be looking for that hug on the 25th

Rich

P.S. Where ever you think this thread should be is fine with me, you know best.