Jokes-good for you

[thecakes]

     People I'm starting a joke thread.  There is one posted called laugh.  It is good to have a good laugh, and lets use this thread to put our jokes in.  Captain, I'm sure you have something to say....

[DeniseSmith]

good idea, just wish I could remember some jokes.

[Captain Deb]

What's a pirate wench's favorite vegetable?



AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRtichokes!

Captain Deb

[Captain Deb]

What does pirate wenches likes in their salads?



AAAAAARRRRRRRRRugula!

Captain Deb

[Captain Deb]

What be the pirate wench's favorite holiday?








AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRbor Day!

Captain Deb

[RadiantStar]

Ya' pirate wenches are very


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrticulate

[Captain Deb]

Where ya been, Star?  Wanna join th' crew of the Princess Batty?  We need a court jester!
Or you can make up your own crew position if ye like!
Captain Deb

[RadiantStar]

Been hither and thither of late, lurking up under the ships udders, uuuuuuuuuhhhh I mean rudders, few bumps and grinds under there ya know.

I think the crew has quite a few jesters already,,,,hmmmmmmmmmm me thinks that a new position would be great, crew position I mean.  The only thing I know about sailing a ship is from Pirates of the Carribean. ::) 

I'll be gettin' back wi' ya' later on, now I'm going for a dip, and swim wi' the wee mermaids...and mermens

Land ho, ye mateys
Star

[Captain Deb]

Star--if yer lurkin' round the rudder ye can be the bosun!  Officer in charge o' not lettin' 'er sink!
OK back to the jokes!

Who's the pirate wench's favorite Greek philosopher?





AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRistotle!
Capt. Deb

[Captain Deb]

OK! OK! enough with the pirate jokes(but there will be more later!)


   An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have
one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk
driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle
registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked
up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic
bags in thetrunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly
backs away to his car and calls for back up.

Within minutes 5
police cars circle the car.


A senior officer slowly

approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your
vehicle please! The woman steps out of her
vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that
you have stolen this car and murdered the
owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the
trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing
nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the
registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims
that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and
pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to
the officer.  The officer examines the license. He
looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of
my officers told me you didn't have
a license, that you stole this car, and
that you murdered and hacked up
the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I
was speeding, too.

MORAL:
Don't Mess With Older More Mature Women!

[Raydean]

   




True ads


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                  Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
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                         COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
                               Also 1 gay bull for sale.

                                NORDIC TRACK
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                              GEORGIA PEACHES
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                          WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
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                             AND THE BEST ONE:

                            FOR SALE BY OWNER:
           Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
                               Excellent condition.
                              $1,000 or best offer.
                No longer needed, got married last month.
                             Wife knows everything.

[Raydean]

Ok, Here's some more, especially for the "Nana"s of the listserve


An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face
> was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the
> zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their
> cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them
> with tiger paws.
>
> "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to
> paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella.
> Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.
>
> His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your
> freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles,
> she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek.
> "Freckles are beautiful!"
>
> The boy looked up, "Really?"
>
> "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me
> one thing that's prettier than freckles."
>
> The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely
> into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
>
> **************************************
>
> A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter
> what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside
> on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a
> tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild
> raspberries in the woods."
>
> The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last
> she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
>
> **************************************
>
> My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
> Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
>
> I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how
> are we alike?"
>
> "You're both old," he said.
>
> ********************************
>
> When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
> replied "I'm not sure."
>
> "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine
> says I'm four."
>
> ***********************************
>
> A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
> Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The
> teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie
> raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
>
> "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's
> wife."
>
> **********************************
>
> Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his
> friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000
> Leagues Under the Sea."
>
> The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus
> had kept him wide-eyed.
>
> In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted
> Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
>
> With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was
> the 20,000 leaks!!"
>
> **************************************
>
> A second grader came home from school and said to her
> mother, "Mom,guess what? We learned how to make babies
> today."
>
> The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to
> keep her cool."That's interesting," she said. "How do you
> make babies?"
>
> "It's simple," replied the girl "You just change "y"
> to "i" and add "es."
>
> (Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one?)
>
> ****************************************
>
> " Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
> teacher.
>
> The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
> pregnant."
>
> The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't
> you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
>
> "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means
> carrying a child."
>
> ********************************************
>
> A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson
> one morning.
>
> He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst
> cup of coffee in her life.
>
> When she got to the bottom, there were three of those
> little green Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are
> these army men doing in my coffee?"
>
> Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best
> part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
>
> ***********************************
>
> A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
> wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed
> past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
> Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
> duties.
>
> "They use him to keep crowds back," said one
> youngster.
>
> "No," said another, "he's just for good luck"
>
> A third child brought the argument to a close..."They
> use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

[Raydean]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump off this building."

The Mexican op ened his lunch box and exclaimed,
"Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again!
If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death
as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

[Raydean]

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
 

 The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He
 is at  the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates
are closed,  and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

 St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is
 filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you
can get into Heaven."
 
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test
 ain't too  hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
 St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three
 questions.

 First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
 Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

 Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next
day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that
 you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your
answers." Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the
week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be
Today and  Tomorrow."

 The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is
not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not
 specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asked  St. Peter.

 "How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied
 Forrest,  but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only
answer can be twelve."

 Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in
Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

 Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd... "

 "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this,
and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in
mind....but I  will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us
 go on with the third  and final
 question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
 
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
 "Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
 "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my
first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the  name
 Andy  as the first name of God?"

 "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I
 learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . "

 St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
 

[Raydean]

HiTec                           
                                                                           
A Texas cowboy was tending to his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young
man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned
out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows
and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital
photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in
Hamburg , Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex
formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and,
after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a
full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet
printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586
cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the
cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the Government." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy, "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my
business.......
.

Now give me back my dog."