Unsupportive Spouse?

[lawmama]

I debated whether or not to write this because I'm not normally a person that likes to air my dirty laundry, but it is something I've been thinking about particularly the past week or two.  I am going through this whole process with a very unsupportive spouse.  We have had marital issues almost since the beginning of our marriage, in fact, I would say divorce is pretty certain.  At this point, with me in law school, we simply can't afford to split so we are both just doing the best we can to survive until I finish and can support myself and the kids without him (he doesn't make enough money to support two households). 

However, dealing with health issues while in a toxic marriage has been really difficult.  Although I guess he has had a humane amount of compassion, it hasn't been much more than a stranger would have (and is far less than the rest of my family and friends).  He gets annoyed when I am tired or dizzy or ask for help with the kids.  It's just really difficult to think of trying to recover in this environment with someone who will not be there to help me and will probably resent anything I do ask him to do.  Thank God for my mother or I literally don't know what I would do.

So, any advice?  I read all of the stories of the great spouses who go along on appointments and are there to cheer their partners on and it makes me a little sad.  I just feel very alone in this fight sometimes and I think it really makes me realize what a crummy job I did picking a spouse.  I wouldn't change anything because I have two beautiful children, but I do really feel the loss of that partner that would help me take on this fight.  I just don't have that.  Has anyone else been in any kind of situation like this?

[ppearl214]

You have Mom. You have beautiful children. You have a spouse that may spring into action to help out.... but most of all, you have us. I'm sorry to read that this weighs heavy on you as you prep for your AN treatment but you need to be able to go into treatment knowing that in times of need, those that you least expect to be there for you actually are there for you.  This is my hope/wish for you during this time.

Please hang tough.  We've got your back.

Phyl

[leapyrtwins]

lawmama -

Some on the forum have wonderful marriages, and I envy them greatly - but not all of us have been as fortunate.  Please know that you are not alone.

I was in a situation extremely similar to yours, but I divorced him prior to my diagnosis.  It took 2 1/2 years and more than $80,000 (heck, my kids even had their own lawyer)    My divorce was final in October, I was diagnosed with my AN the following April.

I couldn't have gotten through my diagnosis, my surgery, and my recovery without a very understanding and helpful family, a tremendously supportive boss, and a couple of wonderful friends and neighbors.  I am thankful I was divorced at the time, because our relationship was such that he not only wouldn't have been supportive, he would have made things extremely difficult for me - from second guessing my choice of treatment, hating my doctors, doubting my need to relax and rest post op, etc.

My best advice is to do what you have to do to get the help you need.  If your husband is willing to help out with the kids while you are in the hospital and while you are recovering, enlist his help.  If he's not willing, or you doubt his commitment, then ask others to help.  There is NO way you can do everything during your hospitalization and your recovery at home - especially with children to care for.  You will need someone to care for you.  Move a family member into your house, or farm the kids out, if you have to, but do what is best for you - and your kids.

I sincerely hope that your marriage gets better, but if it doesn't and you do decide to opt for divorce, do not feel guilty.  Lots of people are hesitant to divorce when they have kids, but I can tell you that, at least in my case, life has been 100% better for my children and for me since I've become a single parent.  Our home is no longer a war zone and the stress level has decreased immensely.

If you'd like to talk, please don't hesitate to PM me your email address and/or your phone number.  I'll help you in any way I can.

Best,

Jan

[lawmama]

Wow, thanks.  Great advice.  Maybe I'm just emotional because my surgery is coming up so soon.  I am lucky to have a mother that will be there for me without a doubt.  I really should be looking at things a lot more "glass half full" right now.  My marriage issues aren't new, I guess they have just come into the spotlight right now because I feel weaker than normal.

I am just going to try to take a few deep breaths and not worry about things right now.  I need to be focused on the positive.  Thanks for listening and for your good advice.   

Lyn

[pjb]

You are definitely not alone I also have dirty laundry too... I have been in a toxic marriage for 38 years I am from the old school and you do not divorce... not yet anyways will see when he retires I foresee that not working with him home all day.  At least my kids are adults and they have helped me tremendously with my surgery I have been blessed my daughter who took over the mother role which I cannot wait to take that away from her.... How old are your children ?? Hopefully when the time comes your husband will be more supportive once he actually sees what you have gone through and if not so be it your concern is yourself, your children and your law school nothing else matters. This is definitely not the time to stress over that at least you have your mother and hope you have a circle of friends that can help you and you know that this wonderful forum is here for advice and also to vent.

Regards,

Pat

[4cm in Pacific Northwest]

Law Mama,

I am thinking that life will be unstable enough as Mom goes in for surgery for AN treatment. I am not sure what the ages of your children are but for my kids this was a hard time. Even with a caring community and neighbors, around us, who were there for them ... when I cold not be.

If the children also hear about Mom having brain surgery and that their parents are going to divorce, during this already difficult time… you should be very aware of the children and their emotional needs… in addition to yours.

Here is a PDF from a reputable university known for studies in child development
http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/pdfs/fcs482.pdf

After my 1st surgery (not acoustic neuroma stuff), that required about 2 months recovery, I thought our family was not going to make it… I would call home, from my hospital bed and it seemed the household was in total disarray.  (We have no extended family, geographically close by, and no one to call on at that time… my husband had to hold-down-the-fort solo.) I asked for early hospital discharge as I needed to get back to meet the needs of the children…  especially when one was in tears after being bullied at after-school-care. It was a very frustrating time and I became much more assertive about my misgivings and less succumbing to "martyrdom"   . (Gee maybe it was steroids at surgery they gave me.       )  Little did I know this was a “dress rehearsal” run through for a bigger event yet to come…  

However with the major life changing Acoustic Neuroma surgery (ie surgery #2) … I was as not back to “Super Mom” in 2 months …  and the recovery was much slower than surgery #1.

I was impressed with how this time (surgery #2) my husband stepped up-to-the plate. Now I reflect back on the last 2 years where he stepped into: coaching our kids’ teams, doing my carpool driving plus his, attending parent conferences, homework help, cooking (ok ok   he is NO chef yet)… and orchestrating the kids to clean the house… with him role modeling “not do as I do not say but do as I DO”  :)… He performed VERY well.  He even made 2-dozen chocolate cupcakes and took them to my youngest class on her birthday. (That totally blew me out of the water       ) …And our family is the stronger for it.

Know that we did not have the best role models on how to make a marriage work being that we both grew up, in our teen years, with single parent families. However we both know what it is like to grow up in a family that is split…  Difficult dynamics resurfaced at university graduations when parents attend (or chose not to because the other would be there)… and the difficulties of planning ours or siblings' weddings when our parent had bitter endings, and feelings, towards marriage … I won’t even start on all the complicated dynamics that we experienced when having a dementia aging parent placed in a nursing home…  Tomorrow - is actually her funeral (trying to deal with getting that organized, in a mixed marriage family, was another interesting adventure- as there are also interesting step-family dynamics to consider.)

Think this out very carefully before you act and know that the implications have LONG-term impact that you may not currently foresee.

Here is a popular book amongst my generation of adults- from divorced families
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Adult-Children-Divorce-Unfinished/dp/0892837276


In my 30’s  I was about to totally give up on my marriage.
 (“Why not that is what my parent role modeled for me?” I thought.)
 I had to go back to work full-time when baby #1 was just 6 months. When she was age 1- I was working 3 jobs (1 full time – 2 part time) to cover expenses … in a place that had no career prospects for my husband and he was not motivated to go after jobs he was over-qualified for. I was pumping breast milk at work, during lunch in a private room, so he could feed it to our baby while he was home with her- during the day. Bewildered I was almost close to asking for autonomy to raise our child alone… but did not want her in daycare so young...

 I went in and had a heart-to-heart with my “boss” and I asked for a 2 year sabbatical from my teaching position… so we could head to the USA where there were more high tech jobs for my husband…. And give a "new beginning" a try. (If it did not work out, after 2 years,- I had my full time job back … and tenure)… My husband found a job (actually more than one) in the USA that was right up his alley and interest. Then he got on an airplane for the booming high tech Forest of Oregon… I was left behind, in Canada, to sell up the house, move everything, sell the  car and get the paper work for me and our child to reside in the USA. (Gee maybe that stress was the birth of my acoustic neuroma- tease…     )

2 years later my husband was secure in his new corporation and turned over a new leaf as he was in a job where his skills were recognized and he had a renewed sense of self worth…. Things looked good and we were blessed with baby #2 (this time I got to stay home and nurse our baby from the comfort of my couch -while also being there for our then 4  1/2 year old too)… while HE went to work. After the 2 years in the USA I tendered my resignation, up in Canada, and never went back to our old town …or my “tenure” (that was very hard for me to let go of.   )

There were many ups and downs… and some days I felt I was being treated like a hypochondriac (also by my USA doctor and new “friends”) when I complained of fatigue, vertigo, ringing ears, etc… I missed my old doctor and my old friends and colleagues up in Canada.

Life went on… later Baby #2 turned age 9... I was ready to start researching graduate schools now that the kids didn’t need me at home, as much, and I was so itching to do something for “me” … But I am so darn tired all the time…    Then I switched to a different doctor who does routine hearing tests as part of the wellness visits… and went for a check up to find out “why?”

There we both were sitting there, husband and wife, in an ENT office looking at this MRI with the XXL 4cm tuma up on the screen pushing the brain stem over and read about AN tuma symptoms,
 â€œHMMM that explains a few things now doesn't it?” My husband said.

The kids started off school, in Oregon, with both parents out-of-state and lived with another family while we went away for surgery at Stanford. I had a myriad of complications. … Having us in California longer than planned. When we finally got home to all be together again as a family -my husband had to wear two hats and aprons… his and mine…

In the 1st year after my AN tumor removal my entire family had a new respect for me and what all I did to build a family…  By year #2, after surgery, I had a new respect for all THEY had done …to build a family. We are a stronger family as result of this AN tuma journey thing.


There has been tremendous personal growth in ALL of us. I have not yet got myself to graduate school… but intend to get there once I know my family is all stable, secure and I know the kids are on to their road of independence. (I am also waiting to see if a Baha might actually help me go back to hearing students and working in a group teaching setting again vs. the quiet library setting. So the "which" graduate degree I am not sure on… yet   )

Know that at age 30 I almost gave up on marriage (perhaps on odd occasions in early 40's too) … and as I am now age 46+ I am glad I did not.

I think divorce is a much more life changing event than an acoustic neuroma surgery...  It is not just yours and your husband's lives affected here.
"Will the children be better off without both parents together?" is something that you will both have to weight out- very carefully.

Food for thought… and a different perspective here.

HUGS being sent your way.

Daisy Head Mazy

[cyrmom2]

Hey Lyn.
I'm on my second marriage and picked a good one this time but he is not a good caretaker.  Fortunately my mom was able to take on that role for me and my kids before, during and after surgery. I'm glad you have your mom to count on and hopefully your husband will realize he needs to help too. Make a list of things you'll need done and have him circle what he can take responsibility for. I learned this from a friend of mine that is a marriage counselor!

Cyndi

[Tricia (horsekayak)]

Lyn,

Don't you just love how life throws some interesting stuff at us?  And at the most inopportune times (as far as WE think, anyway)!! I wish there were a way to "order" up life's crises..you know, like : "ok universe, I'd like one very small 3-day minor crisis on the 24th of March, please...but hold the tears and pain, and easy on the irritation"

All i can say is that i can identify with your dilemma, with your confusion, your fears and your doubts--I have been in many/most parts of your situations, (with some variations), but still we seem to have very similar reactions ..  Doesnt make it any easier, but at least know that lots of us have laundry to deal with .   

I think that your speaking out about this (in a safe environment like this forum)is a good thing...it gives you a chance to talk about it, while also giving you a chance to "let it rest" for awhile, while you deal with some very immediate pressiing issues--surgery, childcare, school.   You need to do what helps you feel safe, secure, and as stress-free as possible.  Use your legal mind/practical mind to set up some priorities and some pros/cons and some contingency plans...but it sounds like you're already doing that!!!

I'm glad that you are doing things to make life less stressful for you and your kids...arranging for your mom to be there, thinking about things, posting here,  etc.

You were so supportive and kind when I called you last month...I was totally scared out of my mind, and you were so generous with your time and thoughts...so now, let others help you the way you helped me.  You listened, which helped me as much as any advice I've been given...just being able to talk and have someone listen was such a gift.

My wish for you is that you continue to stay strong, organized and focused...yep there are some blips and glitches to be worked out, but you will do it.  Lots of support here for you (from me and others on forum)--make good use of us!!!

[sgerrard]

Lyn,

When I read your description of your spouse's behavior, something about it rang true for me. I think it would very confusing for him to be in a marriage that is not working, and at the same time have a spouse going through a serious medical issue. I suspect I would get annoyed too, if I were in the same situation, because I wouldn't know how else to respond. It reminds me vaguely of a certain girl friend in my past who had her doctoral dissertation at about the same time we were breaking up. It was awkward.

I suspect you can count on him for functional support when you really need it (he will call 911 if you stop breathing, for instance), but that you won't get much emotional support from him. Although taking care of the kids and house and chores is important, it is also important to line up your emotional support. Hopefully your mother, and perhaps other friends, will be able to provide that to you. And of course you will have Phyl, too.

It's not about blame or guilt at this point. On the airlines, they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first, then take care of the kids. That's the kind of thinking you need now. Do take care,

Steve

[pjb]

Law Mama,

I am thinking that life will be unstable enough as Mom goes in for surgery for AN treatment. I am not sure what the ages of your children are but for my kids this was a hard time. Even with a caring community and neighbors, around us, who were there for them ... when I cold not be.

If the children also hear about Mom having brain surgery and that their parents are going to divorce, during this already difficult time… you should be very aware of the children and their emotional needs… in addition to yours.

Here is a PDF from a reputable university known for studies in child development
http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/pdfs/fcs482.pdf

After my 1st surgery (not acoustic neuroma stuff), that required about 2 months recovery, I thought our family was not going to make it… I would call home, from my hospital bed and it seemed the household was in total disarray.  (We have no extended family, geographically close by, and no one to call on at that time… my husband had to hold-down-the-fort solo.) I asked for early hospital discharge as I needed to get back to meet the needs of the children…  especially when one was in tears after being bullied at after-school-care. It was a very frustrating time and I became much more assertive about my misgivings and less succumbing to "martyrdom"   . (Gee maybe it was steroids at surgery they gave me.       )  Little did I know this was a “dress rehearsal” run through for a bigger event yet to come…  

However with the major life changing Acoustic Neuroma surgery (ie surgery #2) … I was as not back to “Super Mom” in 2 months …  and the recovery was much slower than surgery #1.

I was impressed with how this time (surgery #2) my husband stepped up-to-the plate. Now I reflect back on the last 2 years where he stepped into: coaching our kids’ teams, doing my carpool driving plus his, attending parent conferences, homework help, cooking (ok ok   he is NO chef yet)… and orchestrating the kids to clean the house… with him role modeling “not do as I do not say but do as I DO”  :)… He performed VERY well.  He even made 2-dozen chocolate cupcakes and took them to my youngest class on her birthday. (That totally blew me out of the water       ) …And our family is the stronger for it.

Know that we did not have the best role models on how to make a marriage work being that we both grew up, in our teen years, with single parent families. However we both know what it is like to grow up in a family that is split…  Difficult dynamics resurfaced at university graduations when parents attend (or chose not to because the other would be there)… and the difficulties of planning ours or siblings' weddings when our parent had bitter endings, and feelings, towards marriage … I won’t even start on all the complicated dynamics that we experienced when having a dementia aging parent placed in a nursing home…  Tomorrow - is actually her funeral (trying to deal with getting that organized, in a mixed marriage family, was another interesting adventure- as there are also interesting step-family dynamics to consider.)

Think this out very carefully before you act and know that the implications have LONG-term impact that you may not currently foresee.

Here is a popular book amongst my generation of adults- from divorced families
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Adult-Children-Divorce-Unfinished/dp/0892837276


In my 30’s  I was about to totally give up on my marriage.
 (“Why not that is what my parent role modeled for me?” I thought.)
 I had to go back to work full-time when baby #1 was just 6 months. When she was age 1- I was working 3 jobs (1 full time – 2 part time) to cover expenses … in a place that had no career prospects for my husband and he was not motivated to go after jobs he was over-qualified for. I was pumping breast milk at work, during lunch in a private room, so he could feed it to our baby while he was home with her- during the day. Bewildered I was almost close to asking for autonomy to raise our child alone… but did not want her in daycare so young...

 I went in and had a heart-to-heart with my “boss” and I asked for a 2 year sabbatical from my teaching position… so we could head to the USA where there were more high tech jobs for my husband…. And give a "new beginning" a try. (If it did not work out, after 2 years,- I had my full time job back … and tenure)… My husband found a job (actually more than one) in the USA that was right up his alley and interest. Then he got on an airplane for the booming high tech Forest of Oregon… I was left behind, in Canada, to sell up the house, move everything, sell the  car and get the paper work for me and our child to reside in the USA. (Gee maybe that stress was the birth of my acoustic neuroma- tease…     )

2 years later my husband was secure in his new corporation and turned over a new leaf as he was in a job where his skills were recognized and he had a renewed sense of self worth…. Things looked good and we were blessed with baby #2 (this time I got to stay home and nurse our baby from the comfort of my couch -while also being there for our then 4  1/2 year old too)… while HE went to work. After the 2 years in the USA I tendered my resignation, up in Canada, and never went back to our old town …or my “tenure” (that was very hard for me to let go of.   )

There were many ups and downs… and some days I felt I was being treated like a hypochondriac (also by my USA doctor and new “friends”) when I complained of fatigue, vertigo, ringing ears, etc… I missed my old doctor and my old friends and colleagues up in Canada.

Life went on… later Baby #2 turned age 9... I was ready to start researching graduate schools now that the kids didn’t need me at home, as much, and I was so itching to do something for “me” … But I am so darn tired all the time…    Then I switched to a different doctor who does routine hearing tests as part of the wellness visits… and went for a check up to find out “why?”

There we both were sitting there, husband and wife, in an ENT office looking at this MRI with the XXL 4cm tuma up on the screen pushing the brain stem over and read about AN tuma symptoms,
 â€œHMMM that explains a few things now doesn't it?” My husband said.

The kids started off school, in Oregon, with both parents out-of-state and lived with another family while we went away for surgery at Stanford. I had a myriad of complications. … Having us in California longer than planned. When we finally got home to all be together again as a family -my husband had to wear two hats and aprons… his and mine…

In the 1st year after my AN tumor removal my entire family had a new respect for me and what all I did to build a family…  By year #2, after surgery, I had a new respect for all THEY had done …to build a family. We are a stronger family as result of this AN tuma journey thing.


There has been tremendous personal growth in ALL of us. I have not yet got myself to graduate school… but intend to get there once I know my family is all stable, secure and I know the kids are on to their road of independence. (I am also waiting to see if a Baha might actually help me go back to hearing students and working in a group teaching setting again vs. the quiet library setting. So the "which" graduate degree I am not sure on… yet   )

Know that at age 30 I almost gave up on marriage (perhaps on odd occasions in early 40's too) … and as I am now age 46+ I am glad I did not.

I think divorce is a much more life changing event than an acoustic neuroma surgery...  It is not just yours and your husband's lives affected here.
"Will the children be better off without both parents together?" is something that you will both have to weight out- very carefully.

Food for thought… and a different perspective here.

HUGS being sent your way.

Daisy Head Mazy

Your letter was so beautiful I hope you can reach your goals there are children out there that would greatly benefit with you as their teacher.

Regards,

Pat

[Nickittynic]

On the airlines, they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first, then take care of the kids. That's the kind of thinking you need now.

Steve

This is exactly one of the things my therapist said to me last week. That and also "If momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy." 

[4cm in Pacific Northwest]

Here is an interesting article from the University of Chicago (came out just before the ANA…symposium)
http://news.uchicago.edu/news.php?asset_id=1672

Short quote from the web page

Divorce undermines health in ways remarriage doesn’t heal
July 27, 2009

Divorce and widowhood have a lingering, detrimental impact on health, even after a person remarries, research at the University of Chicago and Johns Hopkins University shows.
“Among the currently married, those who have ever been divorced show worse health on all dimensions. Both the divorced and widowed who do not remarry show worse health on all dimensions,” said University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite and co-author of a new study on marriage and health.


Just a FYI... I am sure there are many counter articles out there... every situation is different and there are many variable to consider...


DHM

[Lynn Mc]

Lyn,

Sorry your other half is not supportive.  It does happen.  Just concentrate on YOU & those that are there for you.  One step at a time.  My husband of 40 years has absolutely no response to my AN.  Won't he be surprised as he has no clue what I have & the consequences!!!  Thankfully my friends and kids have really stepped up to the plate to help me in January when it is my turn.  

Thank God for all our dear friends and family!!

Thinking of you,

Lynn

[Melissa778]

Lyn,

My situation is extremely similar.  While we had maital issues prior to my diagnosis two years ago, everything seemed to be amplified once I was diagnosed.  We are now in the process of seperation/divorce.  He was completely unsupportive through every little ordeal.  My children are young and I think them having to "help" mom has made them tougher in ways I don't want for my young children.  But, it has also made me a stronger more independent person.  Rely on anyone you can during this time,  It truly pray for the best for you.  Feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat.

Melissa

[NancyMc]

You're not alone.