How to effectively avoid disclosing your short term leave?

[CF]

Now that I have a date set, and that I will need to off from "work" for 4-6 weeks, people will need to know. Those that fall into family and friends, of course they will hear it from me. However, the casual acquaintance, or the general public at large (for those in local public positions this might be like town government, school, volunteer work, etc.), does not need to know the details, and besides this is confidential medical/personal information.

So when someone approaches you and says, "so you're going to be out for 6 weeks? What is your surgery for?" ....... what do you say? What have people stated that seemed to work?

"eh, well I'm just going to get a brain tumor removed, nothing major ....." just doesn't sit too well for me. 

Curious to know how you maintain your privacy when inquiring minds want to know?

[Jim Scott]

CF ~

I was retired at the time of my diagnosis and didn't have to deal with the issue you've raised.  However, because it's medical information, I assume you're not legally obligated to disclose the details to anyone.  However, as a practical matter, people will ask out of sheer curiosity.  If you refuse to explain, it appears as if you're hiding something and/or are ashamed of the reason for the surgery for some reason, like undergoing a sex change (probably a bad example, sorry).   

I would simply say that I have a benign tumor in my skull and I have to get it removed.  Emphasize 'benign'.  It's not 'technically' brain surgery but 'cranial surgery' although 'brain surgery' is the commonly used description for an acoustic neuroma removal.  I found that if I began describing my surgery and the condition that led up to it, within mere minutes most people's eyes would glaze over and they would begin looking at their watch and clearing their throat in anticipation of telling me they "have to go".  That might work for you, too.   

Jim

[nteeman]

For me, those I was close with I wanted to tell directly: family and friends and some people at work, others I would just say 'I'll be out for a medical leave.' 

It has been my experience that at least at work no one will ask further as in today's work envirionment to ask further can be seen as an invasion of ones privacy.

Of course if one does persist after your continued vague answer you can blow them away with the truth -- 'OK well if you must know, I'm having brain surgery.'  That usually shuts them up. 

Neal

[CF]

LOL!

Yes I find that even with my close friends, they have difficulty responding, or asking details. I have no problem sharing, and investing the effort to explain. Where I work there are nosy people, rumorsville, etc ..... I just don't like being the topic of some group's conversation (unless it's this forum LOL!).

I spoke to this with a co-worker who shared my perspective. This person has a son who may be diagnosed with a learning disorder and certainly keeping this private is his goal. He feels that some people look at that negatively (right or wrong), and obviously would rather prevent that by keeping it private (oh your kid is stupid, weird, has leprosy, etc.) .... I don't blame him. I heard a story about some other former co-worker who had an XYZ personality, but low and behold after he had a brain tumor removed, he turned into such a pleasant person! 

For me, I'm a private person and something like this is clearly not one of the things I feel is equivalent to sharing like other things ..... "hey I'm going on a cruise this summer, Oh and BTW I'm having brain surgery next month .... too-da-loo!"

How 'bout:

I've opted for what's referred to as the microsurgical approach to treatment of the vestibular schwannoma, also known as a neuroma of the acoustic nerve, problematically encased and observed to be experiencing unwanted development within the spherically shaped cranial chamber of my physical anatomy. "

 
 
 

[Pooter]

Talk about eyes rolling into the back of their heads... hehe

The problem with rumorsville type of environments is that if you don't set the record straight yourself, then you'll likely have kidney stones, brain cancer, and only have 3 months to live by the time you get back..  In environments like that, the rumor will escalate in lieu of having the facts.

I worked in such an environment when I was diagnosed.  When asked, I bluntly answered.  Those that cared enough to ask for more details, I spared none.  Those that didn't, I didn't bother forcing it on them.  By the time surgery time was upon me, probably 20% of the office knew what was really going on..  I was visited in the hospital by several co-workers, at home by another few (even went to lunch with one while I was recovering), and to my suprise even one of the owners of the company came to visit me at home to check on me (truth be told, we're similar ages with kids roughly the same age and many of the same hobies...i.e. we're very much alike and get along great).

I certainly undertand the need to keep it private to avoid the rumor mill, however what you need to realize is that the true rumor mill will go on and fill in the blanks and with something that you may not like.  For many, that won't bother them.  For others, that would.  It's all about what's more comfortable for you and your work environment.

Regards,
Brian

[Lilan]

I just pretty much gave up and told everyone. Somehow I thought that whatever people imagined, left to their own devices, would be far worse than reality! (As scary as reality was!)

I also found that the default assumption people make with surgery/absence is "cancer," so it was better to let people know that was not the case. And my co-workers were wonderful -- by the time of surgery, most knew I was having a problem with being dizzy, so it wasn't a shock.

If I needed a more "pat" answer, such as for a more distant professional colleague, I would simply say I was having ear surgery. That would be enough to explain an absence, a funny bald spot/haircut and any seeming neglect to your work life.    But ear surgery sounds a lot more minor and socially acceptable to say, if I didn't want to get into the gory details in a particular setting.

Or if they knew the length of absence and I needed to say more, something like "I'm having inner-ear surgery -- it's pretty delicate, so I'll be out for six weeks."

One of my more elderly relatives keeps asking about me, but always in a different way. "How's your cheek?" she asked once. She has the general area of the body right, but the specific geography, not quite. 

[CF]

ahhhhh ..... "inner ear surgery" ..... delicate ..... to address balance issues.

Brilliant!!

FYI I have already contemplated the other approach to just "spill the the beans" .... maybe in an email format.

I have 1 month to figure out my communication strategy. I work in a public capacity so I do need to nail down an approach.

Thanks everyone for the great perspectives and advice!

Keep 'em coming if there's more!

[opp2]

I told those closest to me. When I recently went on restricted duties my Boss had to send an email to the detachment indicating the personnel changes that were happening. Because I'm being accommodated (can't go on the road) people would need to know.

I told her that she should tell people who want to know they should ask me, so she did. And those who are interested or concerned enough to ask, do.

It's worked out ok, but I did find out today that there are various rumours floating around about what is going on including I'm having knee surgery, surgery for women problems, and some others I can't remember....

[leapyrtwins]

CF -

thought this thread from an earlier date might interest you http://anausa.org/forum/index.php?topic=10755.0

Jan

[Lynn Mc]

I told my boss when I knew IT was going to be an issue.  I spared him NOTHING!  I also told the guy I work with directly.  On Monday I had to tell the BIG mouth bookkeeper that I was going to be out for a while.  OF course being the NOSEY type she asked why & I again spared nothing!  Now everyone knows & those that cared wished me well & asked questions & the others said nothing (probably to grossed out!).  I felt it was going to get out now anyway & I might as well set the record straight.  Can't wait to see how badly this gets twisted!  I did ask my boss to try to make sure the rumor mill was at least correct. 

As of yesterday the 13th I am on vacation until the BIG day. 

Good luck spilling you beans,
Lynn 

[CF]

Well I went ahead and did it in an email to my boss (she already knows all the details, but what I gave her was the polished-and-palatable-for-the-masses version   to help her out as she to handles the papparazi   ). I did provide the words "vestibular schwannoma" and it's misnomer, "acoustic neuroma" .... for the inquiring and resourceful nosybodies who want to look it up. I personally told a select few (boss included) .... I also spared no details, talked about wills, life insurance, and worst case scenario stuff ..... 99 yards + the kitchen sink

It's all good.

 

[lawmama]

I know exactly what you mean!!!  Who to tell/how to tell was a huge issue for me.  I'm a private person and it just felt so weird and a little overly dramatic to say, "I have a brain tumor."  So I didn't tell most people at all. 

Truthfully, word will get around to people you wouldn't expect would care, and people you would expect to care might not react the way you expect.  It's a strange thing.  When I told a small group of friends, one of my (male) friends actually asked, "well how are they so SURE it is benign???"  It made me gulp.  (And then go do some more research.) 

My point is, you can't avoid the fact that some people will ask, but it does get easier to talk about.  Well, a little easier to talk about, anyway.   

[Nickittynic]

I guess this is just me but I've told everyone everything! My policy has been to be as open and honest as possible, as that's the easiest on me, and keeps the records straight for anyone wanting to embellish the truth. In fact, they even printed out my blog at work and posted it in the lunch room, haha!

[pjb]

I also told everyone exactly what I was going through I think once I explained my diagnosis to everyone it helped me in accepting it to.


Pat

[sgerrard]

I guess this is just me but I've told everyone everything!

I made a Word document with a few of my MRI shots and a blurb from the radiologist's report, particularly the part about using "posterior fossa T2 turbo-spin echo 3D images." I had a copy pinned up on my bulletin board at work. To each his own.

Steve