So overwhelmed

[mandy721]

As I see my husband dealing with the issues of his surgery, I feel so lost.  It has been 10 months and he is not close to back to where he was pre-surgery and I worry that he never will be.  He was such an optimistic guy, with the most wonderful warm smile.  That is gone, replaced a weariness brought on by the post-surgical complications that have affected our personal life and his work life.    I am also wrangling with the insurance company over his surgeons's fee.  This morning I was on the phone for at least 30 minutes, much of that on hold while they tried to answer my questions, with BCBS and came out of the conversation wanting to pull my hair out.  They are masters of non-responses.  We went around in circles and now I am following up in writing requesting answers to my questions.  We are both having a very hard time and I don't know where to go from here. 

[Jim Scott]

Hi, Mandy ~

I'm sorry to learn of your husband's struggle to recover from AN surgery and your anxiety as you seek to help him and feel frustrated because you can't.  Having to hassle with the insurance company only makes things harder, I know.  If you have a spiritual faith, this is the time to invoke it and lean on God.  If that isn't an option, then turn to any friends or relatives who are sympathetic and want to help you both.  As a caregiver, you have to take a break and not try to carry the burden of your husband's difficult recovery 24/7, because that will only wear you down to the point where you won't be of any real help to your husband.  Although his recovery may seem to be moving at a glacial pace, in almost every AN recovery, no matter how long, things do improve.  There are therapies to help specific problems, pain management doctors (Anesthesiologists, Physiatrists, Neurologists, Neurosurgeons) and of course, medications.  Don't allow your husband to just sit and brood, which can lead to depression. Try to help him be pro-active in his recovery, to see a 'light at the end of the tunnel' and realize that this is not his permanent condition. Be as sympathetic as you can and if possible, try to urge your husband to join a local AN support group or at least log into and read messages on the forums, here.

I'm afraid I don't have any simple, easy answers for you or your husband but I hope he'll fight back to a full recovery and not allow himself to be a victim, which goes nowhere.  I also hope that you'll continue to be at his side while he does so, encouraging and helping him as best you can.  Your anguish over your husband's post-op situation is heartbreaking to read but your love and concern are definitely inspirational.  I trust that things will soon improve for both of you.  Please know that you can always come here to vent or just ask for advice (or prayers).  Try to remain strong.

Jim

I've moved your post (and my reply) to the 'Caregivers' forum, where it is more appropriate.  J.S.

[Debbi]

Hey Miranda-

Just saw your post, and boy did it resonate with me.  I know that Willie went through a lot of the same emotions that you are going through when I was recovering.  I have often thought that he really has had the hardest part of this journey.  At least those of us who are the patients can do things, but the spouse really can't do anything to "fix" this.  Having met both you and Ken, my impression has always been that you are a very strong team and love each other very much.  While that doesn't solve all the recovery problems, it sure does help. 

I don't know if you and Ken were able to see Jackie D when she was here?  If so, I hope that she was able to offer Ken some hopeful words. 

Miranda, I'm sending you both a big hug.

Debbi

[Captain Deb]

Hi Miranda,
I suggest you encourage your husband to get on to this site himself and start communicating with some of us who have been through it.  There is a headache section on here with a lot of experienced folks who have gotten relief from them.  Many of us have met up in person at various get-togethers like local support group meetings and the bi-annual ANA Symposium which will be held next summer in Cincinnati. he is not alone in this.

Hugs,

Capt Deb