Mom/Dad Guilt (inspired by Jacobs)

[Pembo]

I was writing in my 2 year report that this journey has been hard on my kids. Jacobs said not much has been said on these boards about Mom/Dad Guilt.

My kids were only 8, 5, and 23 months when I had surgery. Before surgery they had to deal with a sick mom. When I had surgery they spent almost a month with my parents and others before I could be a full time mom again.  And in the 2 years since surgery they have dealt with a mom who doesn't always like herself, her appearance etc.  I remember clearly the day my then 6 yo asked when my hearing would get better as we talked about my face improving. Or the day my then 8 yo tried to talk to me in the car and gave up after I asked him 3 times to repeat himself. (That was the day I made the decision to get my Baha). I'm sorry that my now almost 4 yo doesn't remember a time when Mommy could smile fully.

I remember the first time the kids came to see me in the hospital. I was worried that my face would scare them and proud that they didn't even flinch. I'm still Mommy.

This An journey has affected them in ways I don't even know. That makes me feel bad. I never had a sick parent as a child and I'm sorry that they did. I have tried to make things special for them. We threw a family Costume party for Halloween only 5 months after my surgery, bought a puppy 6 months after, and took the kids to Disney World at my 1 year anniversary. (Okay the trip to WDW was really for me  ).

I think, now, they don't even notice. They are good about running to mom's room to get her chapstick when I forget it. And I don't think they even realize how different I look compared to before. That is good, but sad.

[Battyp]

I know for my son he had some anger that I was sick.  He also had a dad that was sick for many years and died so mom being sick scared the heck out of him.  I had also broken both feet the summer before and had to have reconstructive surgery and he had to take care of me so his comment was.."oh boy here we go again".  He realizes I didn't chose this and wasn't prepared for all that happened post surgery.  So now things are on a much more even keel.  He still gets frustrated by how tired I always am and the difficulty I have doing things.  I feel like I've cheated him out of a normal childhood but none of this was asked for just part of my life plan 

[wanderer]

Look at it as an opportunity to teach them how to properly deal with adversity.    To teach them that life is not always fair.   Bad things still happen to good people but that even though these things happen it is no reason to wallow in self pity.  Instead find what you can do and to that to the best of your ability.

Teach the perserverence.   

This single lesson may be the most important one you teach and you have the ability to show them first hand instead of letting them learn about it later in life.

[jacobs]

Hi to all the parents,this has just been on my mind alot since I came home from the hospital.I'm sure the guilt will lessen over time..My daughter just fell asleep on me. She wouldn't stay in bed tonight and was anxious.I'm sure it is related to everything that has happened.I think my biggest overcompensation with her has been too much ice cream in the last few weeks.
  I think that because my surgery was so recent (April 24th) I am still trying to work through all aspects of my life and how to deal with the changes.I have too much time to sit around and think!
  I too am proud of my daughter and the way she is dealing with her "new mom"I am determined to have us both riding "two wheelers" in the park this summer.
 
   
 

[russ]

 Hi
  I feel kids are amazing and full of unconditional love. Seems they don't have the complex array of emotions which adults do.
  My Mother passed away last October and many very young Grand children visited her Hospice bedside.
  At first I was abhorred their parents would allow such, but Mom received many nice kisses and "I love you Grandmas."
  The children seemed to know something we adults didn't, and understood, accepting Mom as she was with love. Love, as only a child can love.
  I'm unsure exactly how, or even if this relates to your AN and complications situation, but it does say something about kids, I believe.
  You're doing a good job being Moms, Moms... No need to feel sad for them. Just love them like you are, the best you can.
  Good night and good Tuesday!
  Russ

[cookiesecond]

Hi
My granddaughter was 9 months old at the time of my surgery and it really worried me. I just knew it would hurt my feelings if she was scared and Praise God she wasn't !!!! Before surgery we patty caked a lot so as soon as they brought her to see me in the hospital, she did patty cake for me without being asked. Children are such a blessing.
My neice and nephew( ages 3 & 5 ) were over a lot right after I came home from the hospital and they were great. They didn't ask alot of questons and just accepted that I needed special help for awhile.

jacobs  I pray you will be up and doing fun stuff real soon.

pembo  Glad things are good for you.Wow! Disney sounds like a good way to celebrate 1 year. I'm almost there.


Take care and God Bless,
Lynn

[DeniseSmith]

My 13 year old was laying on the couch about two months ago, I was getting on his case to get up and do something, quit watching t.v., you know the drill.  He looked at me and said "Mom, did you know only half you mouth moves when you talk".  I thought no SH**!   I said,  you just noticed? 

I guess he was still seeing me as I was.  It was kind of surreal. 

Denise

[rntiggergirl]

My daughter was 13 when my AN journey started, now she is 16.  She has had her ups and downs with my ongoing illness.  I have had 3 surgeries and will probalbly need another one.  Overall, she has been wonderful, caring, compasionate and has shown a true unconditional love for me.  That not to say she has not had her issuess.  just recently I was too tired to take her somewhere, and she started yelling at me, that she was tired of me being sick and how she wanted her mom back, I told her I want her mom back too.  My husband thought she was being disrespectful when she yelled at me, but I have taught her to be open with me, that means the good and the bad time. Overall, I think this has made both of us stronger and closer,  she is wonderful ray of sunshine thru all of this.  She will be a senior in high school next year so I am trying to enjoy her as much as possible before she is off to college. You have to try and stay positive with your kids and allow and encourage them to express there feeling, so they have a chance to work thru them with you.

Cheryl

[Battyp]

Thanks for sharing it's been helpful. 

[jacobs]

 Thanks,love reading everyone's stories.I'm grateful that I do have many years ahead with my daughter...

[Pembo]

I definitely think this experience has taught my kids to be stronger and tolerant. They don't notice the new mom that looks at them. It is more of an emotional thing for me to realize how my An journey has effected them.  I am proud of them and hey it's not every mom that can say she has a hole in her head.