I can't cry

[Suu]

Hello all.
I've read and searched and can't find the answer to this so I'm asking for your help please.

I can seem to cry.  My MIL passed away a few weeks ago and I didn't cry and I thought it was me being brave for my husband.

When something is sad my head seems to get 'heavy', the tinnitus worsens, but as soon as I feel as if I'm about to cry something in my face stops me.  There's no other way to explain it sorry.  My lip doesn't 'curl' up or 'purse' like before if I got sad.

As my signature says - I have left facial palsy and with each day it looks like my face is drooping more while I wait for the 12/7 graft so I'm thinking that this may have something to do with it maybe?

I used to cry at the drop of a hat and I shed loads of tears when they were trying to fix the CSF leaks but not since.

Please, someone, help?

Love and hugs to all

Suu xxoo

[Kaybo]

Suu~
I used to be a BIG cry-er - & I do still cry some...but I have found that since my surgery (& paralysis) that I don't cry NEAR as much as I used to.  I joke & say that it is because it is not really worth it when it is just one eye tearing up!  Don't get me wrong, I do still cry...when something is very sad.  I wonder if part of it is all that we have been thru, we see things a whole different way now?
Just my 2 cents...

K   

[mrmel]

Hello all.
I've read and searched and can't find the answer to this so I'm asking for your help please.

I can seem to cry.  My MIL passed away a few weeks ago and I didn't cry and I thought it was me being brave for my husband.

When something is sad my head seems to get 'heavy', the tinnitus worsens, but as soon as I feel as if I'm about to cry something in my face stops me.  There's no other way to explain it sorry.  My lip doesn't 'curl' up or 'purse' like before if I got sad.

As my signature says - I have left facial palsy and with each day it looks like my face is drooping more while I wait for the 12/7 graft so I'm thinking that this may have something to do with it maybe?

I used to cry at the drop of a hat and I shed loads of tears when they were trying to fix the CSF leaks but not since.

Please, someone, help?

Hi Suu
Tell me more about your surgery! It sounds like you had a left sided acoustic neuroma and your facial nerve snapped? With that of course comes eye problems and other facial nerve issues, but with my surgery 14 year ago which was left sided i had the same thing happen, however it did not interfere with my ability to cry. What may be a possibility for you is that first of all everyone grieves at their own pace, and in their own way. I am not sure how close to your mil you were and what your relationship was like. I know in many death experiences I have had over the years my grief was centered around how much emotional attachment i had to that person. Also it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now for yourself and if so you may not be able to readily come in contact with your feelings regarding mom. At some point i would bet that something will trigger a meaningful memory or something you cherished about her and it will hit you. I would be surprised if it were directly related to your facial nerve, even if it were, it seems logical that you would cry from your other eye that was not affected. Sorry for your loss, and keep your chin up. If you are really concerned about the physical aspect of this you could always put a call into your eye surgeon that worked on your eyelid, whether you had a gold weight or whatever and get some in put from him or her. Good luck
                             Mel

[opp2]

Is it a physical thing we are talking about here, or an emotional thing associated to the feeling of grief or sadness?

I can still cry, and have been emotional since the birth of my first child, long before my AN was discovered. Now I can cry in my right eye (non an side) but my left eye doesn't water unless I'm working out. I am still emotional. Still cry at the drop of a hat, but only in one eye.

I had a horrible dream the other day, I mean one of those that you keep thinking about, even three days later. I was hysterical in my dream, and woke crying, but only tears from my other an eye.

[Suu]

Hi
K - Thanks for responding. I was pretty close to my MIL and was at the hospital with the family when she passed away.  I don't remember exactly how I felt but I don't think the emotion was there.
I feel like dropping a brick on my foot and see if that does anything.  Nope - not joking this time.   

Mel - I had a 4cm tumour and the facial nerve was stretched over the top of it and it didn't 'spring' back.  Although the surgeon was hopeful of regeneration, the nerve conduction tests showed no signals at all.   I had 5 surgeries in a short amount of time to fix CSF leaks and almost died when given an overdose of antihistamine after an allergic reaction to morphine. My ear drum and inner ear were removed so I suffer with vertigo and tinnitus.
I had my eye stitched at the corner to help with dryness but no weight has been needed as my eye slowly closes right up during deep sleep and I can almost blink it right shut as well.  The surgeon hasn't seen this happen before where the eye still has signals and the left side of the mouth has none but then again there aren't many cases in Australia of ANs.
Funny thing is that when I came home from hospital I was a nervous wreck and cried a heck of a lot until I found this site and realized I wasn't alone with what I'd been through.
As I said to K, I was very close to my MIL but I seem to have lost the ability to actually cry.  It begins but peters away.  All other emotions are there.

opp2 -

Is it a physical thing we are talking about here, or an emotional thing associated to the feeling of grief or sadness?

- I think the emotion is there but I don't know how to test it.
It was the anniversary of my own mother's passing on the 5th and I went to church but didn't seem to have the same feelings as in past years of missing her greatly and wishing that she was here.

Sorry everyone.  I feel like a whinger when there are more important things in life to worry about.

Thanks again for helping me.
Suu xxoo
 

[Kaybo]

Suu-
The only that I can even relate (& this is not you but it may have something to do with messing with the brain) is that people that have strokes seem to not have as much emotion & lose their ability to "screen out" what they should & shouldn't say and do. They are a bit more "deadpan" about everything. The fact that you were emotional at first leAds me to believe it's still there, just maybe going to have different triggers. I don't want you to drop a brick on your foot, but I must admit to being curious of how you would react to pain!!  

K 

[Suu]

Thanks K.  I wasn't deadpan exactly, but I wasn't feeling like I should be feeling at the hospital and at the funeral.
I was taken to emergency when the dizziness was so bad that I ran into a wall at the hospital (the day before Mum passed away) so I'm thinking that it's some sort of brain phart that I'm having.

I sure wish one other person had it though so I could relate to it.

Love to all,
Suu xxoo

[moe]

Sorry I can't totally relate Suu.
I can cry out of the good eye but NADA out of the AN eye. If it is all goobed up with lube, then that stuff may start to slide out.

I recall at certain times just wanting to ball my head off and have a good loud cry, but I can't! It's frustrating because it is so therapeutic to just let it all out. So I understand the frustration...
I now just let that good eye  well up and let the tears flow and just feel the sadness or grief or stress or whatever.

So just relax when you want to cry, feel the pain, and maybe at least your good eye will well up and drip over to relieve some of that tension.
Does this make any sense at all?
Maureen
It is important to be able to grieve....

[Suu]

Hi Maureen
Still no luck with having this emotion.  Hubby and I argued today and it didn't bring me tears as it would before.
I'm seeing my GP on Thursday to see if she can give me some sort of insight.
Every other emotion is still as strong as ever.  I laugh a lot and I can get cranky but mainly I'm just a happy sort of person that is active and definitely not deadpan 

I may play "Ghost" and see what happens.  I used to well up when they were saying goodbye without fail.

Thanks for trying to help.

Lovenhugs
Suu xxoo

[CHD63]

Suu .....

This topic has been most interesting.  I do not have facial or eye issues from my first surgery ..... but am well aware I could have with this next one.  I am wondering if you could have some latent fear of eye issues from the post-op time ..... causing you to subconsciously hold back your tears.  I rarely cry.  It is just my personality.  I feel emotion deeply but I am so afraid of losing total control if I let it all loose.  However, if I watch a sad movie, tears will flow down my face ..... figure that one out!

OK, what is "Ghost?"

Many thoughts and prayers.

Clarice

[Cheryl R]

Suu, I am not the same way emotionally with how emotions feel and how much I cry now.     I have always wondered if it depends on which side your surgery is as mine has been worse since my no 4 surgery which is only one on left side.            This has been discussed here for some other effects with no  definite answers.          Having more than one surgery or bigger post op issues could be some of it.        I also have some depression which I do not think is all AN related and possibly hereditary.                I think people do vary in how much emotion they do show,esp in public.                 My husband had an uncle die recently and never saw a tear at all on his wife and they were not a old couple either.        They had 7 grown children and there was sadness there.     I hope the wife will grieve in the best way for her.                            Cheryl R

[Soundy]

this interests me ...

physically my left eye tears up and right are is just damp ... allergic reaction to blooming stuff since surgery has both eyes itchy but right doesn't make enough tears to wash itself out while left runs tears down my face and they drip off my chin ...

emotionally it is a new story too ... sad doesn't make me cry as easily and then just damp eyed not really teary... but anger does ... let me get really worked up and angry and tears will come in torrents ... very similar in the way they used to come for sadness and grief ... and also happy tears still come ... watching the kindergärtners graduate last spring made me teary as did watching the eighth grade ceremony sending them off to the big world of high school ... and I didn't even have a kindergärtner or 8th grader ...it is just good to see them grow up and mature and in our tiny community I know these kids personally ...many since they were born... I was happy to see them move up in the world and cried ... but sadness doesn't seem to get me like it once did ... I still feel sad but just differently so ... and I am not generally an angry person and it takes alot to get me riled ... but now when I do get worked up  I do it with water works and all ...

I wonder if it is because I look at things a bit differently than I did before surgery ...

[mrmel]

Hi
K - Thanks for responding. I was pretty close to my MIL and was at the hospital with the family when she passed away.  I don't remember exactly how I felt but I don't think the emotion was there.
I feel like dropping a brick on my foot and see if that does anything.  Nope - not joking this time.   

Mel - I had a 4cm tumour and the facial nerve was stretched over the top of it and it didn't 'spring' back.  Although the surgeon was hopeful of regeneration, the nerve conduction tests showed no signals at all.   I had 5 surgeries in a short amount of time to fix CSF leaks and almost died when given an overdose of antihistamine after an allergic reaction to morphine. My ear drum and inner ear were removed so I suffer with vertigo and tinnitus.
I had my eye stitched at the corner to help with dryness but no weight has been needed as my eye slowly closes right up during deep sleep and I can almost blink it right shut as well.  The surgeon hasn't seen this happen before where the eye still has signals and the left side of the mouth has none but then again there aren't many cases in Australia of ANs.
Funny thing is that when I came home from hospital I was a nervous wreck and cried a heck of a lot until I found this site and realized I wasn't alone with what I'd been through.
As I said to K, I was very close to my MIL but I seem to have lost the ability to actually cry.  It begins but peters away.  All other emotions are there. Su, i was wondering do both eyes not cry, or shed tears? The one thing that I would wonder about is if the facial nerve on the effected side not regenerating has something to do with this. I find it unusual that the other eye would not act normally, although i have heard of one side mimmicking the other. The brain is very tricky and will do strange things. If it were me and I could do it, if you may not be 100% sure you are getting the best care available, I would come to the U.S. and go to the Massachusetts General Hospital, they do a lot of acoustic neuroma surgeries. They are world class!!! Dr. Robert Ojemann a neurosurgeon there if he is still practicing is remarkable. This is tricky stuff and you have already found out that once the surgeons do their job, they do not want to know much more about it. Hang in there and keep us posted.
                                       MEl

opp2 -

Is it a physical thing we are talking about here, or an emotional thing associated to the feeling of grief or sadness?

- I think the emotion is there but I don't know how to test it.
It was the anniversary of my own mother's passing on the 5th and I went to church but didn't seem to have the same feelings as in past years of missing her greatly and wishing that she was here.

Sorry everyone.  I feel like a whinger when there are more important things in life to worry about.

Thanks again for helping me.
Suu xxoo
 

[Suu]

Hi all,
I came back after trying to handle things on my own with varying degrees of success.

CHD63 - 'Ghost' is the movie with Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in it.

I can report that I finally cried.  Not a whole lot but enough to know that I'm still human.

There's still this 'thing' going on inside me where I just want to get on with life and leave drama behind but something happens to remind me that drama is never far away.  I've had the second nerve conduction tests and there are still no messages getting to the facial nerve so tomorrow I will find out when I'll be booked in to have the 7/12 graft done.
I'm in a daze at the moment and want to keep on writing so as not to lose the contact that I've made here.  (Reading that back sounds strange  )  It's a lonely world out here sometimes when people around you don't want to know or understand what's happening to us.

Better go or I'll cry 

Lovenhugs to everyone.

♥ ´)
.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•♥ ¨)
(,.•´ (.♥ •´ *Suu

[moe]

Hi Suu,
Glad to see you cry  and good to see your post.   And I totally understand about being in a "daze". I guess I have been that way since my surgery (unfortunately) because of all of my little jewels the surgery left me.

And no one understands like we do. Very hard to describe but I think I get what you are saying and can empathize.  We just gotta keep going one day at a time. It's all about accepting the "new you" which is very difficult, no matter how how hard I try! What I really hate the most out of all of this is the @!$@ tinnitus and the "brain fog." The eye issues and paralysis I can deal with!

Hang in there, and glad you came back.
♥ ´)
.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•♥ ¨)
(,.•´ (.♥ •´ *Maureen