Depression

[msuscottie]

I'm a 29 y/o M from Michigan that had my 3.5cm AN surgically removed last October. There is still some risidual tumor and my next MRI (June 1) will determine if it's growing and if I'll need a stage 2 surgey. Since my last surgery, especially over the last few months, I've been feeling pretty depressed. I'm a pretty quiet guy anyway, so I doubt it's visible to most, but I'm just not feeling great. My confidence has really taken a hit. Everytime I speak with someone I feel like they're staring at my eye (dry eye) or my scar. My voice is also a bit weaker (noticable to me) and I often have to stop mid sentence to swallow. I also have minor balance issues still and I'm battling not being able to do everything I use to do. The left side of my face is not droopy, but is still numb, so everytime I eat and have to use a napkin after each bite to make sure there is no food hanging off my lip! Anyone in a similar situation? I don't like to bug people with my issues, but I don't really know how to get over it. I constantly tell myself to "suck it up," but I'm still feeling pretty down. I don't know why this is, but being that it started post surgery, I'm wondering if this is common or if I'm just screwed up?

Thanks,
Scott

[GM]

Scott,

This is the reason why we have sites such as this...to help each other, and to let us know that we're not alone in this and that someone cares.  It's OK to feel a bit down sometimes...especially with what you've been through.  Here's the good news Scott...the first step to getting better is realizing that you want to change things.  If you feel like this is a bit much for you...there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeing someone and talking with them about how you feel!  I am active duty Air Force and I know flight crew members that feared seeing someone to discuss how they felt or to go on meds...they thought that they'd be taken off of flight status and even lose out in promotions.  But the ones that did, pressed on and got through their tough times without loss of flying status or rank.  So your not screwd up!

Another idea is to try and find a local AN support group in your area.  I found someone here in my area and we met at Starbucks for a coffee and talked for a couple of hours.  He was a surgery patient...and I'm radiation.  But, it was still nice to actually be with someone who knew how I felt and knew my fears.  Until you can find that my friend...we'll just have to be your cyber group 

For me personally I deal with my hearing loss, tinitus, and occasional "dreamyness" on a day to day basis.  I decided that although I have this in my head...I'm not going to let it rule my life.  I try to live by some wise words that were given to me when I was going thouigh a divorce three years ago:
"It's not how many times you've been knocked down...it's how long that it takes you to get back up again, that one is measured against."

Chin up...

Gary

[MyrnaB]

Scott,  Hang in there and keep in touch with all of us.  It does help to talk to someone, even if we are words without faces.  Seems like all of us have a different outcome to this surgery or radiation.  Some have many more problems than me and some seem to have very few.  All I know is that we are very lucky to be here to be able to talk to each other and share our feelings.  My taste buds were totally gone and I just noticed last week that food is starting to taste good again.  Everyone keeps telling me that things do get better.  It's the waiting that is hard.  Keep your chin up and keep writing to us.  I may need to lean on you as a sounding board someday.  Myrna  ;)     

[Karla]

Scott, sweetie...It is expected to suffer from depression, when we find out we have a tumor, especially the location of IT.  Talk to me if you need to talk...teacxher2b@prodigy.net..Goid bless sweetie.  Karla

[Static]

I was suffering from depression, as well, before and mostly after my surgery and sometimes I feel like I still am back where I was a year ago (surgery 1-21-4).  Sometimes the tinnitus and headaches can be unbearable.  I can relate to your situation, you are not alone.  I saw my doctor and was prescribed an antidepressant, which I am still on and it did help.  Hang in there!

[Jennifer]

wow! my story sounds so similar to yours! i had translab surgery in february and was told there was residual tumor. i had my follow-up MRI on may 16th. as it turns out, i will need another surgery and i was told that sooner is better than later. I have definitely had some major depression issues. it does go up and down though. The thing i found to be the most helpful was looking back on good times. most people say "try to find the positives" but i know how hard that can be. My mom is a therapist and even she was having a hard time helping me. but i felt best when i was thinking of all the joyous times i've had. i read my journal and thought a lot about the things that had brought me joy. if possible, i tried to do some of those things again. so my word of advice is: even if the present looks pretty gloomy, find something from the past that made you happy. hope this helps! ~Jennifer

[Mo]

Scott-
Have you spoken with your GP or your neurosugreon about this?  Sometimes they can provide info/ meds to help even out the "road ahead".  I too suffer from depression after my surgery, but it is from my neck injury, not the tumor.  Yes, I am a different person to some extreems, and that alone can make you feel llike you are loos'n it.  Hang in there and ask questions- it's the only way to solve any problem!
Mo

[odirish]

I too can relate. Even after 10 years, I think "why me?" To be honest, I hate it. I hate looking in the mirror. I feel that we're in this together and only we can relate to what's going on and how we feel about it. The only thing I can suggest is to talk about it with the members here. I was lucky, I had a Dr. who sat me down for about 40 minutes and we just talked. It helped some. I never talked to anyone else about it. I too feel that everyone looks at me funny. When I feel like I'm having a really good time, this thought will pop in my head saying these people think you're ugly. I know that sounds dumb, but that's how I feel. I always thought that men could deal with it better. Talk to the members, that's why they are here. Maybe i should take my own advice. Good luck to you, and stay strong.

Mary Ann

[Angela]

I think that admitting you're bummed is a good step.  Yeah, the results from having the tumor and surgery really suck!  I get tired of thinking that I'm greedy for whining about the "little" things that are wrong with me, but they're a "big" deal to me.  I just want to be "normal" again and then I see someone in a wheel chair, or with a horrible disease, and I realize that these are just small bumps in my journey.  There is a higher purpose for my experience and for your's too!

[Mo]

Dude,
you are not screwed up.  Listen, they just cut open your brain.  You thought you might not live, right?  I sure didn't think I would.  I had to fake until I could make it.  Seriously, talk to your gp.. maybe they can help.  I was severly depresssed after my surgery because it took so long to get back up again.  Hang in there!
Mo

[Kathleen_Mc]

Scott: Hi, I'm new to the site today, I live in Canada and decided to check out this site because anac site doesn't appear to have anyone who has had a regrowth. Your post quickly caught my eye, I'm having some really down days lately. I have been depressed off and on since my inital surgery in 1990, my doctor said brain surgery will screw up your brain's chemicals and may cause a chemical depression and that it should re adjust eventually, I'm still waiting and it's been a long time. I have been treated with antidepressants and they work, over the years there has been times when I don't need them, when I can fight the depression on my own but basically since finding out about the regrowth I have remained depressed and the pills can't fully eliminate it (but they can't make me forget I have a brain tumor and so I don't expect them to). Over time you may find you won't be so concerned about they way you look and just be happy you are alive but I can fully understand the way you feel right now. I have had 6 plastic's repairs to my face and although that helped with how I feel about myself and see myself so did time. I would suggest you talk to your g.p. about this to and see what they suggest. Other than here have you expressed how you feel to anyone? I firmly believe in talk therapy and if nobody else is available to you type away. Kathleen