Discussing a tough issue with my parents

[MDemisay]

Hi all,

My parents are aged and don't react to bad news very well, I was wondering how do you deal with this issue? Are any of you in the same boat? My parents are in Florida and I live in New York! I know they are very concerned about me sometimes they want to know the details and frustrations of everything!

I feel vulnerable discussing my medical decisions with them because they are so critical. Is there a safe way to tell them that I feel capable of handling everything, without making them offended?

Mike

[Suu]

Hi Mike.
I find that someone else's reactions to something are their own and they have to deal with their response so please unburden yourself and tell whoever you think should know.  I feel so sad reading that you don't want to offend someone with your diagnosis.  This is definitely a time to think of you.

My daughter-in-law is a knowitall and tried to tell me what to do and how to be after Googling it!  Australia does mainly translab and I had 2nd opinions from other doctors before I was armed with all the answers that I needed at the time.

It was only post op that I found this site and each time I had/have a question I come here where someone else has gone through what I'm going through.

Please let us know what happens and we'll be here with a should and a soft place to land if you need it.

Hugs,
Suu xxoo

[MDemisay]

Thanks Suu,

There is a lot of psychodrama going on between my parents and I. There are a lot of unresolved issues between us. I just want to go down to Florida to wish my father a Happy 85th Birthday and be with him, but I find my mother a bit intrusive and wanting to know everything that's going on in my life. Everytime I have to deal with her, it has become unpleasant. I am 55, she is 79.

Can't I just be there for my Dad's Birthday?

Thank you for caring!

Suffice it to say that this issue extends further back than just my 2004 AN diagnosis. It goes back to 1967!


I am grateful that I can come here and ask for advice, I see 2 therapists now and this forum helps with in-between issues that come up!

Thanks again Suu!

[Jim Scott]

Mike ~

Obviously, you should not allow your parents to have so much influence over you when you're already stressed with your AN situation but, as you stated, this family dynamic goes back 45 years so it won't change overnight, if ever, considering your parents advanced ages. 

I wouldn't hide the information about your re-growing AN, that would be incongruous in this situation, but I would tell either parent only what you feel is necessary and if the questioning becomes intrusive and/or unsettling, calmly but firmly state that you're quite able to handle the situation and that you don't need advice because you have a doctor and are in contact with the ANA.  Then tell them (again, gently but firmly) that you have no intention of talking about it any further.  Of course, your parents may not accept that and insist on talking about it (and offering their opinion) in which case you can simply chose not to respond and if they demand a response, again state that you have nothing else to say because you're taking care of it.  If you do this with a cordial attitude, they shouldn't be offended - but frankly, we cannot control other people's reactions and if they act offended, so be it.  I'm sure they'll get over it soon enough. 

These adult child-aged parent issues are thorny and I don't presume to have any expertise in dealing with them (my parents are deceased) but I believe that visiting your parents (in Florida) and telling them, as you should, about your AN issue shouldn't be a struggle if you decide ahead of time to take control of the situation and not be unduly influenced by their reactions.  As I stated, I know it's a thorny issue but you did seek advice and, for what it's worth, this is mine.  I hope it helps a bit.

Jim   

[Tod]

Mike, I understand your situation. My father and step-mother were quite upset to be the last of the family to know behind my sisters. They were also quite miffed by my firmness in saying I did not want them to travel out for the surgery. They had/have their own health issues and we knew the surgery was going to be long and the weather iffy. In the end, it was clearly best they were not there.

But the fact is, they love me, and they always want to help and advise. Once I had told them, I knew I was in for lots of help. And so I let them. Or rather, I let them talk when I called. I listened. I said appropriate things. And I swallowed my pride and any unhelpful responses and let them show their love and concern. Whether I liked it or not. It seemed to fit with something I read once about "honoring your parents" or words to that effect.

This is the nature of family and the cost of admission. Just let them love you their way, but  make your own decisions.

-Tod

[MDemisay]

Dear Jim and Tod,

Thank you for your kind words of advice! They were each well thought out and I will always try to follow your advice. Thanks for everything! What would I do without you, flounder probably!

Mike

[rayden1]

Hi

So agree with Todd. I wish I was not an orphan. Just indulge them and love you and count to ten. Best of luck.

Ann x

[Nimrod]

Personally I am not telling my folks anything for awhile. Dad has advanced Alzheimer's Disease (AD) so Mom is really pre-occupied. The last thing she needs to deal with right now is this. IF I need need some sort of surgury I will talk to her. It was bad enough last time.
 Everyone's family is differant...

[MDemisay]

Nimrod,

I went to visit my parents, I didn't tell them my secret thoughts and fears, how could I do that to them???  I know they love me, sometimes you have to be stronger and make them think that you are handling everything.......Even when when the truth is that you just to curl up somewhere!

Mike

[Mark H]

I never did tell my parents when I was diagnosed as NF2. For years we thought it was NF1 'till the AN's finally grew big enough (about 2-3mm each) to identify. By then they were both in pretty bad health. My dad loved to explore on the computer so I figured this was something they didn't need to know or worry about. They're both gone several years now. And as of last year's MRI the twins stay stable.
Mark

[pjb]

In a way I can see not telling your parents but I lost mine both within 6 months of each other and to have them here with me today I would selfishly tell them to have them comforting me again I would give anything for that....

[rays]

Mike,
I understand completely. Family dynamics can be very difficult. a lot of psychodrama going on with my parents for a long time too. I’ve had type 1 diabetes since I was 8 (I’m 52 now). I still don’t think they get what I go through day to day living with a life threatening disease. Now add that I found out that I have AN a week ago and I’m about to go on a trip to see my parents back east. The trip was already planned so I’m going to go. I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with them because when I told them I had to have surgery they didn’t seem very concerned.

The next day when I spoke to them again they said they had spoken to my sister who worked at an ENT doctor’s office a few years ago. They told me after talking with her it sounds like the surgery is “no big deal”.  What… no big deal? Like having a whole made in your skull is an everyday thing.

BTW, I’ve spoken to my sister and she realizes that although this type of surgery happens all the time, it is serious.  So even though she stated this to my parents, they interpreted it their own way.

I have to say that I think the best approach is along the lines of what Tod said. I’m going to let them talk and say what they want. I’ll nod every so often so they know I’m listening, but I’ll TRY to keep my comments and thoughts to myself. After 44 years realizing they have their own opinions that I can’t change about living with diabetes, I’m sure I won’t change their perspective on the surgery.

I think Suu is dead on too saying, “someone else's reactions to something are their own and they have to deal with their response”.

I hope you go and try to make the best of it. Good luck.

Ray

[Mark H]

pjb,
My parents died 6 months apart too. Dad 6tears ago this August anf mom 6 months later. If they'd been in good health I would have told them but dad was on the way out and I knew mom wouldn't last long after he was gone.
Mark

[pjb]

pjb,
My parents died 6 months apart too. Dad 6tears ago this August anf mom 6 months later. If they'd been in good health I would have told them but dad was on the way out and I knew mom wouldn't last long after he was gone.
Mark

Wow Mark did you mean 6 years this August my dad would be 6 years this September and mom the end of this month was her passing ... Dad had problems for 4 years prior to his death but mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer after dad died and thank goodness she went fast that cancer is suppose to be bad .. The thing I noticed for her being that far into the illness before being diagnosed is that she had severe dementia and she never looked in pain so that I find comfort in...Mark it never gets better and still cannot believe it has been that long already...

Best Wishes,

[Mark H]

pjb,
Yes. Looks like my parents went just before yours. Dad had survived prostate (fairly advanced) cancer for 20 years and was pretty healthy 'till the last year. I used to joke that after the surgery and radiation I could finally out-work him. Never could before. They'd moved in with my niece (my sister was killed in a car wreck in 1987) a couple weeks before he died so she could take care of him. Christmas Eve I could see the light had gone out in Mom's eyes. She still sounded and acted the same but I knew it wouldn't be long. She just didn't much want to be around without him. And you're right on both counts. No easier and it doesn't seem that long. I was adopted and God couldn't have picked any better parents for me.
Mark