Sefra22:
An Acoustic Neuroma is admittedly scary - on many levels. So, when you inform friends, relatives and/or co-workers of your condition - "I have a brain tumor" is not a great ice-breaker, by the way - it's only natural for people to becomed alarmed (for you) and to expect you to be equally alarmed. That reaction is based on misperceptions. I used to explain that I had a 'sort-of' brain tumor - but I made sure to quickly add the two magic words: 'benign' and 'operable'. Still, most folks hear the words 'brain tumor' and immediately tune out anything else. They assume you are going to die and when you act positive, they cannot always understand it. This may be based on ignorance but it's also simple human nature and the fact that you are being positive in the face of a medical crisis is nothing to apologize for. Neither is having doubts and private 'melt-downs'. You, too, are just a human being and have the usual fears and concerns as anyone with an AN diagnosis. You have a right to be anxious, even scared, sometimes. I firmly believe that no one who has experienced an Acoustic Neuroma diagnosis can say they haven't been scared at some point. We are all vulnerable to our fears.
As a Christian, my faith gave me great comfort both before and after my surgery, and, as I could only do so much to 'fix' this, I put myself totally in God's hands. That gave me (and my wife) great peace and it was reflected in my genuine positive attitude and my sincere belief that this would 'be O.K.' I never actually felt that it wouldn't, but of course I had my fears, mostly about bad after-effects of AN surgery. When, pre-op, after a CAT-scan, the doctors thought they had detected a huge tumor on my liver, I was still calm and did not panic, even as my primary physician sounded alarm bells and offered my wife his deepest sympathy. My neurosurgeon cancelled my schedulled AN surgery, which he patently explained was simply 'a precaution'. A bioposy proved the tumor to be a hemangioma - a benign tumor made up of blood vessels. ...not cancerous or in any way threatening. No treatment was necessary and my AN surgery (retrosigmoid approach, same as you are having) was hastily re-scheduled.
While we were waiting for the results of the liver bioposy, I never wavered in my belief that if God wanted my life I was ready and willing to give it back to Him. It had been a good one. I'm 63, so, admittedly, this attitude wasn't as hard for me to adopt as it might be for someone 30 years younger and with dependent children. Still, although I was ready to accept the end of my mortal life on earth, I didn't really want it to end, if that were possible, Still, being determinedly optimistic, I always believed that the liver tumor would be benign, so, until I knew for sure, one way or the other (48 hours is a loooong time in these situations) I never got panicky or had a melt-down. Neither did my wife. Nervous? You bet. Depressed? Never.
My neurosurgeon's secretary (and most of our friends) marveled at our 'composure' in the face of the AN and (possible) cancer diagnosis. We just smiled and said that we were Christians and accepted God's will for my life, which was the truth. We were also doing everything we could (in the sense of being positive, having an excellent surgeon, etc) regarding my 'condition'. In the end, it all worked out. My surgery was relatively uneventful, I came through just fine and have had a speedy and near-complete recovery (at 10 weeks, post-op) with none of the weird and (naturally) depressing side effects some AN patients have, unfortunately, had to deal with. Now, a bit over 2 months post-op, when I see someone I haven't seen for awhile, they invariably tell me how good I look. It's kind of nice.
Can I offer you or anyone else the promise of a similar experience with their AN surgery? Of course not. Yes, of course having a strong, grounded religious faith iis very helpful in dealing with this kind of health crisis but having a positive attitude is also a choice. Shortly after my diagnosis (a month before my surgery) I looked back and realized how blessed I had been all these years. Good health, doing the work I wanted to do, a secure, loving marriage and a (now adult) son I could be proud of and who never gave us any 'trouble'. I live in a pleasant suburban neighborhood, in an attractive condo (worth twice what I paid for it), drive a new car (O.K., it's only a Honda), dress pretty well and enjoy a lot of life's small pleasures, such as eating out with my wife a few times per week. I was always determined to 'come back' from AN surgery as fully and as quickly as possible. I did. My neurosurgeon was pleasantly surprised - and almost baffled - as were my friends.
Now, a positive attitude can only do so much, of course, but it will never do you any harm, I can tell you that - with confidence - from my own experience. So, Sefra, keep yours and don't let it go. Yes, you will inevitably have some 'down' times and harbor some fears but face them, deal with them and don't apologize for having them. Crying and feeling scared are not anything to be ashamed of. That you choose to do so in private is a valid decision. No matter how much others sympathize and 'feel for you', no one really knows what you're going through (the folks on this board come as close as you can get). Realistically, few people in your circle probably really want to hear about your fears - and even if they did - what can they possibly say to you? Keep that brave facade, it helps everyone to cope better...especially you. Use this board to vent your fears and worries. That's why it's here.
Best of luck in your 'AN journey' - and please know that we will all be here for you as you need us.
Jim
