The New You - Post Op

[msuscottie]

After waking up from AN surgery, I felt like a different person. I tried to act the same for awile, but I found myself in a wheelchair, the left side of my body paralyzed, and when I looked in the mirror, I looked like someone that needed help. Someone that didn't look "all there." My Doctors and this surgery saved my life, but it also changed my life. I'm not the person I was before. I still have the same sense of humor and all that, but I've lost a lot of confidence and my "swagger" is gone. I feel like there are 2 Scott's. The Pre-Op Scott and the Post-Op Scott. It's hard to adjust to becoming a new person and I just can't accept that I'm anything less than 100%. I'm very uncomfortable in social situations and when I see a picture after someone takes it, I just want to rip it up because my face is a little droopy, my eye is a liittle red, I've gained a little weight and I just don't look sure of myself. I'm a shadow of what I use to be. I guess they call this depression?

On the positive side, I find myself watching what I eat, working out more, and recognizing others that need help. I understand that while the majority of folks walk around everyday feeling pretty good, there are a large number of folks that are facing health issues just like I am and it's not comfortable. I hate feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, but that's my reality right now.

How do I overcome confidence issues like this? Is this depression? I miss being me.

Sorry for the wah-wah post!

[amymeri]

Oh Scott, I can really relate to your feelings.  I am doing okay physically except for a pretty severe facial paralysis and the SSD so many of us have.  I am a better, nicer person now  but I was pretty nice before so I would trade a tumor free life for anything I have "gained".  But the worst thing for me is missing the effortlessness of life...talking on the phone is tough, having to lube and tape my eye at night and then undo it in the morning is a drag, being to embarrassed to go out to eat, having to tape my eye at movies, just looking strange.  I HATE IT.  So, I miss the effortlessness and I also miss the sense of being healthy and strong and capable.

I don't have any words of wisdom.  I wish I did.  But you aren't alone.  We are all in the same boat (or at least the same fleet!)

[ppearl214]

Scottie (dang, I owe you that document from HEI... many apologies and will look for it tonight!)

Ya know..... we certainly didn't ask for this, that's for sure.  As with any "life altering" change, whether physical, mental, emotional, financial, etc..... all we can do is the best we can.  I'm thrilled to hear that you are doing other positive alternatives and yes, that will definately help.  As amy notes, this "fleet" certainly can understand.  Now, let me ask you this... you have military backround or am I wrong?  So, if a brother in arms was down, hurt, etc... what would the rest of the troups do? They would rally around their brother in hurt/pain... and hun, we do the same for you. We are going to have our good days... and our not-so-good days (as you well know), but dang it... you got a whole "fleet" here cheering you on, providing bad drinks and jokes if needed... and trust me.. if we were physically there with you, we'd be giving you the biggest of hugs!

I want you to know that I am so proud of you (as well as others here).  I am so proud that you reach out to others that do understand.  By reaching out and sharing, that is one of the best things you can do for yourself... and know this... we reach back out to you as well.

Hang in there Scottie... I am very, truly, honestly so very proud of you.  Hang tough!

Phyl

[britbert]

Scott,

I can totally relate.  I used to be a smiley, friendly person.  Now I am so self-conscious about my smile and how I look when I talk that I just don't make the effort sometimes.  Plus, since I can only hear in one ear, it is hard to hold a conversation in a crowd.  And when I look at pictures taken of me I think, "Do I really look that bad?"  Everyone thinks that I have handled this whole thing so well.  I really haven't, inside. That is why I am so glad that I found this forum a few months ago.  Nice to find that others have my same struggles. 

As a side note, my sister-in-law passed away last year after a battle with breast cancer, and then lung and liver cancer (age 30) and left my brother with 4 boys, ages 5 and under. He is currently unemployed.  I don't want to trade lives with him; I'll keep the post-AN.

Hang in there.
Brittany

[chrissmom]

Scott,
You have been thru so much and I certainly feel for you and all the folks on this site.   You are all so incredibly brave.  I don't know what you have been thru but I know what we went thru with this 5cm + AN.  I keep telling Chris that we are going to develop new coping skills and we are going to deal with this.  God has a plan for us and we just need to find it.  It's hard coping with this.  You know, I can't even go to church right now because I'll burst out into tears.  I tried to go back in August and I had to leave.  These people here are the best and you gotta love the humor.  Capt. Deb keeps me laughin and batty keeps me on track.   You have a right to feel down once in a while, then pick yourself up and say you can beat this thing.  Good luck...You are so brave in my eyes.

[Joef]

 Ã‚  We defiantly have a sense of "BS" (before surgery) and "AS" (after surgery) sense of time ... I think I've handled it all in stride but it gets to me when I hear a co-worker wine about "I almost did not come in today, because I don't feel well" .. this from a person that calls out sick every 2 weeks ... usually on a Friday or Monday of course....comes in late .. leaves early ... and I think .. gee I had Brain Surgery, and he's been out sick more than me! I'm the foolish one (I've not been out sick one day since my sick leave for surgery), not because I'm some super worker... I just have not been sick! ... and everyone else treats sick time like vacation days.. ...Its been harder since a friend at work did something we all would love to do ... told them he quit .. and walked out .. no notice.... or anything! just could not take it anymore... it was not the pressure, he just could not work with these people anymore..(me not included!)
 Ã‚ Work treats me "ok" ... I've heard thu the grape vine I've gotten raises and such (goodies like cell phone an a office) and they have not .. but its still hard to work with these people ....

 getting down off soap box....

[Captain Deb]

Yesterday the "new me" went to the dentist, did a few errands and met her husband for dinner.  By the time the food arrived, my head was pounding so hard, I could barely eat--went and shot up Imitrex in the ladies room.  Got home, sat around watched the telly for an hour--headache comes back another shot--. Ready for bed headache comes back --another shot.   Tried to sleep, more headache got up and popped pain meds (last resort)--finally got to sleep about 5 AM. Today all hung over from headache meds and totally worthless from lack of sleep. This is the usual scenario when I try to have a "normal" day! Although the headaches are manageable and no more trips to the ER because of new meds, they are still irritating and make my life unmanageable at times.

But hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I'm going to Charlotte for 4 days with my 1 and 3 yr old grandsons and I'm taking lots of meds with me as I think I'll need them. The new me is much higher maintenance and much more limited in what I can do and it is totally infuriating at times and unacceptable.  But acceptance of the here and now is what it's all about for me these days. And it's what it's all about for all of us!  Accepting the new "Us." Not fun, not easy. But essential if we are to "move on with our lives." How to do it? I have no flippin idea! I just do the best I can with what I've got for now and hope for the best!

Capt Deb

[Battyp]

Yes, I think we are definitely in a fleet!!!! 
Scott I feel the same.  I stay in more, I hate to go out and deal with noise and crowds and drooling in public.  I think the more we put forth effort the better we'll get.  I think you will go through some depression but it's more like an adjustment disorder.  We have to learn how to cope with out new situations and surroundings.  (ok so that's what my therapist told me  LOL)  I find everyday is a new learning experience as things I used to do with ease is such a struggle.  I'm getting there.  It does help to have all you guys here to laugh with, vent with and cry with when needed!

Chris's mom the first few months I went back to church I cried the entire time.  If someone asked me why I was crying I could not have given them an answer!  I am a hit or miss goer right now as some days I just can't handle it.  Hang in there it will get better!!

[ratthebrat]

Hey scott,
I know how you feel. You may have some depression but i feel you can beat it. No matter how you look on the outside and no matter how many people that look at you along the street the only thing matters is you have a healthy start to a new life. And truely anyone who loves you will love you for who you are in the inside not the outside. You sound like a wonderful person and trying to do your best and keep yourself healthy. I finally decided i don't care what others think my family and true friends don't treat me any different than they did before. and to anyone out there whom thinks i weird well my moto is i don't give a darn what they think because i am still here and i am still human.

Yes, think all of us after sugery have put on many pounds. i have been trying since 2004 to lose weight and i can't before this surgery i weighted 115 pounds and now i am 160 and can't lose it. very depressing. I am telling myself if my boyfriend don't like it than he aint good enough for me.

Just talk your self throught these depressed states and ask yourself am i glad to be here on earth alive.

we are all here for you scott, anytime of day. we will help you though this tough time.

[ppearl214]

Scott, I found the articles for you!   YAY!  Took a bit but I did.  I will scan them at work today and will have to use "Winzip" so I can email to you.  Sorry for the delay.

Hang in there!
Phyl

[DeniseSmith]

Good Morning Scott,

I, just like everyone else, can relate to your before/after feelings.  I am 15+ months post op and still have a difficult time going anywhere other than work or home. But, i am making an attempt to be more spontaneous and get out there.  Only once has someone made a comment about my looks while I ws out, and she was a young waitress in a restaurant I no longer go to.  I did report her comments to the manager before i left.  My point, and I do have one, is that you can make it through this, and I think depression (to some extent) is a normal stop along the recovery road from AN.

It sounds like you are making an effort to put this stage of recovery behind you.   Its hard to be upbeat, its hard when some of your family, friends, co-workers, don't get it.  YOU ARE A STRONG PERSON AND YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS STAGE. 

I am rooting for you!!!

Denise

[Obita]

Dear Scottie:

This thread makes me so sad. 

I came through surgery without any permanent complications other than SSD so I will refer to a terrible time in my life when I needed help from a professional. 

Many years ago my then husband asked me for a divorce "out of the blue".  I was devistated.  We owned a business together which complicated things.  I needed help finding the new me.  I doubt I would have sought help on my own.  My dear sister insisted that if I were to get on with my life in a healthy way I needed help.  She died a few years later.  I thank her every day for for the healthy me today.

To make a very long story short, it was the best thing I have ever done in my life.  After 10 min. in the first session I KNEW I needed to be there and I KNEW I would be ok with help from this doctor.  She gave me all the tools to start over and it was my choice to use them or not. 

Go see someone Scottie.  You owe it to yourself.  If you go to one session you will know if you should come back for more.   

I am not comparing your situation to mine 23 years ago, I just wanted you to know that I have felt the devistation of loss and it can be overcome with help.  I know it is hard to ask for help but sometimes you just gotta.

Kathy

[Kathleen_Mc]

Scott: Even after all these years I still have the sense of the Pre-op me and the post-op me. I am almost at the "half of my life" stage of this (I had the surgery at 23, I'm now 16 years post-op). I have long acepted the changes and done all that I could to make the best of it but that feeling never goes away, I miss my smile the most, my hearing the second most. I really don't have any get "words of wisdom" except that when I get really down about it I force myself to be thankful for what I do have ....I'm alive!
Kathleen

[tatianne]

i can definitly see and understand where your feelings are coming from.
i havent even had surgery yet and i already feel like im not the same person, let alone how i will feel after.
its important that you know that your feelings are legetimate, they are real and need to be acknowlegded by you. The first step to getting better is realizing and taking steps to heal, which i think you are doing by helping others.
i have had many periods of depression in my life as well, the biggest one when my husband left me for another woman, pregnant and with other children. for a long time i felt that i was used goods that no one would ever want as a life partner, i felt damaged and ugly.
I think you need to identify with just how valuable you are, to your family, your wife, to us.
( and by the way i see your picture and you are a cutie, no reason to rip up any picture of you)
You have worked really hard physically to get to where you are today, you have climbed huge mountains, you have a great deal to be proud of.
When i become discouraged i remember youm and Nate and the other on this board you have done so well, and you inspire me, you remind me that i will be OK.
You are perfect, you are OK, you will be fine.
Choose to live, choose to enjoy every day, and I know its easier said then done, but if anyone can do it, it is you.
Hugs,
T

[msuscottie]

Thanks everyone for your very kind words! I guess, like everyone else, I have good days and then I fall into bad ruts. I guess I'm just in one of those bad ruts right. I'm doing what I can with the cards I've been dealt, it just gets frustrating when you realize that most other people start with better cards. It makes it harder for us to win the hand, but I guess we just need to bluff sometimes and try to come out on top. OK, enough poker talk ... really though, you're all very supportive and I appreciate it very much.

Thank You.