Dear Amylynn,
PLEASE, do not for a minute think you sound pathetic or are not normal for felling the way you do. I had about 2 1/2 months from my diagnosis to my surgery doing all the same things you are doing. Got my house and will in order. Got things lined up for hel and care after surgery just in case things didn't go well. I spent my nights not sleeping and researching for any information I could find on the internet. My husband didn't want me to read the post op patients information as he thought this would scare me even more and so I got on probably this forum and others trying to collect information for a while but then stopped per his request. I did feel though that knowing the possible not so good post op problems would help me to prepare for what could happen. I have 2 girls that were 6 & 9 at the time (I am 2 years post op end of this week) and all I could think about was them being without a mom. I remember not really being afraid to die, but afraid to leave my kid. About 3 weeks before my surgery, and after alot of sleepless nights and alot of praying, I finally came to a conclusion that I was here to do a job, raise my kids, and that my job was not finished yet. Therefore I was not going anywhere. I think once I made up my mind about that, although I was not really any less scared, I was a little more at peace with the situation. I felt confident that I would be coming home to continue doing my job as a mom. In hindsight, I wish I had actually logged on to this forum and communicated with other post op patients as you are doing. I read the information they had posted but never communicated with them. I have only been on this frum since early August, and I have to say, these people on here are some of the best support you can find. They have been through what your going through and they are the only people who REALLY KNOW what you are feeling and how you re going to feel after surgery. Keep posting. This is a great way to gather information and gain support. My friends and family almost seemed to minimize it to try and make me feel better, but it just made me more upset. I think it was they only way THEY could handle it, especially my hubby. This is brain surgery and there is no way to minimize it. You will go from upset, to scarred, to angry, to calm and I can deal with this, to completely falling apart, back to scared to death again and angry. You will go through all these emotions full circle several times. it is totally normal, and allow yourself to feel it. So many of us on this forum have expressed how the people closest to us really don't "get it". How we put on a front that we are doing fine to help "them" deal with it. This forum is the place for you to be able to be scared, it's OK, we have all been there,ask the questions. Keep posting what you are going through, it will help.
If your HMO approves for you to go to House, when do you think your surgery will be? Are you in Calif? Please go to my profile and email me from there if you want to talk further We can exchange phone#'s via email if you need an ear, I would be happy to talk with you if you want. It is an unfortunate thing you' re having to go through. You need all the support you can get. Please go to your doctor and ask for something to help you sleep. It's very difficult to sleep during all this and you really need your sleep now.
I'm glad you posted. Take Care
Thinking of you and sending positive energy your way and will remember you in my prayers. You have to post and let us know when your surgery will be. You will have an huge cheerleading team here to help get you through the surgery.
Patti UT
