This is a bit of an update for those who are interested. It was in February that I last posted. What has happened since? My speaking has gotten much better, almost normal now (but not quite), though it's partway on the right side. I can walk better. That's probably due to the fact that I've walked so much since my surgery. I can also think clearer and forget much less. Maybe it seems like I could think before, but that took A LOT of effort. It started to get better about 18 months after my surgery. It's now about a week past my second year since it.
I'm taking medicine for depression. It got really bad afterwards. Man! I had no idea beforehand that the subconscious is so strong. I call it a "black depression". I don't really want to go into it but WOW did I get depressed. That's starting to lift some now that I can see some difference (and now taking some medicine for it). I thought I would be like that for the rest of my life. That may be due to that nurse at the university hospital (who's initials are S.C. btw) that assured me several times that likely after one year I had all the improvement I would ever see (Still don't know why anyone would say that and cause doubt!) and I believed her. There seems to be a certain dismissing of people who've been treated as an unimportant nuisance by some in the medical industry (once their insurance has been paid. Surgery is quite expensive). Anyway, I resisted taking any medication since most all my life I've been healthy and haven't taken anything stronger than over the counter medicine, like aspirin or Ibuprofen (except if I had dental work). That's not me, and I didn't want to become someone who has to take all kinds of pills to feel normal. Didn't want a cabinet to become a pharmacy. So I resisted, and paid for it bigtime. But I felt at times like I absolutely HAD to take something. Panic attacks hit me out of nowhere. For those times I'm glad I had some Xanax. Still, of that I only took a fraction of the dose the original doctor prescribed for me as everyone in medicine seems so anti-Xanax. So I worried about it.
I don't know if I said it before but after the doctor said that I should see a psychiatrist, in my early "What The Heck Happened?" state, I thought he was insulting me (this is the person who seemed offended two other times, so I interpreted his comment as an insult and didn't follow through). What can talking about my mother do for my physical afflictions, I thought. It's like calmly talking about your past while stepping on a tack. Anyway, he notified a university psychiatrist, but she called me and indicated that he thought that it was ridiculous that anyone could have depression after surgery. She told me she answered him that, "Yes they can! It's in the literature!". Maybe she was just saying that for my benefit though. I've since learned that psychiatrists come in two versions, therapists and medicine prescribers. So I take the blame for that.
I much later looked up a psychiatrist at my daughter's urging. At first he prescribed, Zoloft, 50 mg, their regular adult dose. I first took it, and it seemed like I had finally found something, and was happy. Even texted that to my kid. The next day it seemed less effective. The next even less. Then the morning of the 4th day I think it was, I had a panic attack. It's very weird. I'd only had had one other one in my life, and that was some month's after the surgery. It's very strong. Terrible fear that I could even feel in my chest and stomach. But I kept taking the Zoloft. The next day I had another PA. Then I thought maybe I need to start lower, so I took 1/4 tablet the next day and had another one. So I stopped. I'm taking two other pills now, one at morning, one at night 12 hours later. But I'm wondering what other AN people have taken for depression? I liked the Zoloft because it's natural. Serotonin. And because it's supposed to be good for social anxiety (shyness), which has affected me my whole life - though since surgery it's become much worse.
I still have the double and unfocused vision, but it doesn't seem consistent. I see two lights when I look at a small orange light on my heater in the dark at night, but at day I see one. On some areas of my eye I have the vision problems but not in others (I've tried 4 different prescription glasses, but none seem to work right, so I don't wear any). My guess is that the doctor hit a nerve, or nerves that controls a muscle around my eye and now it's not working, so gravity makes it drop a little and that causes the slight misalignment. Sometimes though my vision seems clear. So I don't get it. I'm also wondering if a kind of Glaucoma in that eye has started. The eye feels larger and the eyelids around it are rounded. I looked it up and maybe Aqueous Humor has filled it fuller than the left eye for some reason. There's a small channel it the eye that lets the fluid out if it needs so that normal pressure is maintained. Maybe it's partly stopped up. I've noticed that the lashes on that side are now growing downward, it the eye view. So could it be that that's also something that's happened since that's causing the blurred and sometimes double vision, the increased pressure in that eye and therefore unequal distortion from my normal left eye?
The right side of my face still feels like it has a piece of wood in it, from almost the top of my head to my chin, especially my right ear and chin and right side of my mouth. I massage these areas regularly. My tongue, cheek, roof of my mouth and gums on the right side still feels somewhat numb. My lips still feel burned on the right side. I have the usual ringing in my ear, but I've noticed for some months now that the good ear is starting to ring too and I worry about that. I watched some online videos and they say that the Vagus Nerve can be massaged so that you don't have Tinnitus, but so far it hasn't worked for me. I've noticed though that any kind of stress, which I feel around people, will make it worse. Still some of these things seem to be getting better too. I practice manually lifting and lowering my eyebrow with my finger (not just on it's own). Practice massaging my face everyday. I also practice whistling, or trying to.
But everything's not negative. At first I couldn't stand on a cushion with my feet together and eyes closed, but today I found I could. I still move around a bit, but I'm not falling off as I was before. I practice standing on one leg, than the other. And, like I say, I can talk and think much better and forget a lot less. I'm getting better. But it's still really really slow. I wish I was more positive, but I never give up trying because I love life when it's good.
By the way, I want to give a shout out to Call Me Armstrong on online video. Watch her if you can. She's very funny. Has a great attitude about this whole thing IMO. She could have a comedy act.
