Patti,
We do have days to feel blue, don't we?
And more so when thoughts return to a former job/career perhaps.
I was a teacher myself. And it still botehrs me that I am not doing that despite the years. Whenever I think of oh-maybe-in a year- (or two or whatever)- I-can-return-to-that, i am caught short by a few things that I know happens in a school setting. 1) simply going to vote in a school at a time when classes were letting out and all the students were at their lockers, I was overwhelmed by the noise factor, so much so that disequilibrium soared along with a spaced out feeling. By the time i got to the voting area in the gymn i was quite disoriented enough that I was asked are you ok (so it was noticeable) this was shortly before An diagnosis.
2) i was asked as a published writer to come and give a "talk" for 2 hrs to a class about my writing. I thought oh , ok no big deal, but again the simple act of walking the halls of the building affected me, then in the conference room/type of place with about 16-20 students, I took some time to set up, get organized with notes(all painstakingly prepared lol) and began. Well high school/college age students don't always practice one-person-speaks-at-a-time thing and i was hard pressed to deal with the questions coming from all sides very rapidly i might add. I ended up abadnoning the "prepared" outline i had, and winging it for the duration. Not my finest moment. I knew then that my "teaching" was not on my radar screen for things to get back to.
A lot of things come into play. teaching is a demanding job. In my case my classes were always packed so i never had less than a 100 students to see every day. Simply the paper work would now be overwhelming never mind the 3-4 classes each day. And the noise. And the marking, the dept meetings, the bd meetings, the extra curricular activities, the admin meetings and on and on it goes. Late nights, early mornings, meetings through lunches, professional development seminars/workshops etc....
I still miss all that. I try not to think about it as I know I am not able to do all that now. Took a long time to sink in, however, and still can make me morose.
Add to that my writing career which also stalled ( I was on a roll as they say when health issues took over) I'm a bit surprised at having survived all the losses.
The only way to keep moving forward is to develop new interests, make adjustments, perhaps look at offshoots career wise that one might be able to do.
My An is not the only thing I deal with and I can't recall if the An is your only one. Doesn't matter. Your husband might be simply trying to remind you of what teaching would be for you. It's painful to accept that you can't? Hence the blue.
Am hoping that you are able to find new outlets in some fashion.
The hard part is to find a new "purpose" in life....."early retirement" when not chosen by oneself can be a hard thing to cope with, I know.
Be strong, and open some new doors for yourself.
Sending you tons of good wishes and healing,
W.
i feel blue today. why today, i don't know. i had surgery 6 1/2 years ago (4 cm) and subsequent brain swelling so they had to go in again and remove some brain tissue to allow room for swelling. I was hospitalized for 7 weeks and outpatient therapies for 6 months. i was 38 and had 2 pre-teen girls. It was a blessing of sorts to not return to a demanding job and be home more to raise my girls. The teenage years are tough and i was able to navigate my family through those years. i have been physically active since then to keep the balance problems from worsening. i have been mentally active-volunteering at first in a hospital, the a part-time job in a science laboratory, learned to knit, refreshed my skills in spanish by taking it for a year and now tutoring a spanish girl to speak english. i now work as a part-time paralegal learning many new things. but i never seem to be satisfied with myself. i feel that if i am not the science teacher that i was then i am a quitter. i make mistakes but usually catch them because i work at my own pace now-not that of a classroom of teenagers. my husband tells me i can't go back to teaching (he too is a teacher). he notices my fatigue and its affect on me. i will have an empty nest soon now that my girls are older and i will be 45. sure i can fill up my life with things and i do but i still wonder if i can be a teacher. am i too old? do students respond well to someone this age and with a half paralyzed face? i also am half deaf. patti
