Depression

[bluestar]

I agree with what everyone has said, but there are some things we can do. I feel sicker and more depressed on all antidepressants I have tried - including the SSRI's. But I now take three 5 Hydroxy Tryptophen (75mg) and Activated B3 and find that I can now sleep through the night and do not feel depressed. The Tryptophan is difficult to get in Australia and expensive but I have no side effects and for me it certainly relieves the depression.

I think there is a lack of understanding about chronic illness in our society - and this makes the depression worse but i find that if I feel in control of some of my life it makes it easier.

I hope this helps a little, and thank you all for this network,

Bluestar

[debora]

Today is my one year anniversary from Radiosurgery, and 8 months since becoming very ill from it.  At first I felt so grateful and blessed because it was only an AN and not a cancerous tumor, I went into this so completely uneducated, I am not blaming anyone but myself, I am so angry that I didn't research this, I don't use the computer except to enter the books and didn't realize there was tons of info out there.
The depression has been so horrible, it is like a black hole that totally consumes you.  There is a rage that makes me want to scream and a sadness that I can't explain.  Some days or even weeks I feel like I'm coming out of it and then wham it hits again.
I am a totally different person since this, I used to be independant, travel on my own.  I loved to work out and felt pretty fit and healthy.  I am afraid to travel on my own because the movement can make me sick in an instant, I am slowly starting to work out but it is on cardio machines where I can hang on.  I am trying and have never foiught so hard in my life.
I hope this isn't to much info, I just needed to say this, and everyone who has been through this understands.
Take care,    Deb

[Frying2Knights]

Debora, I hear ya, and understand completely.  As if the physical aspects of AN aren't hard enough the emotional turmoil is a real bummer!  But it sounds like you are a fighter and are moving in the right direction.

I used to be pretty fit too.  I ran my first half-marathon a year before being diagnosed.  I haven't run my second yet - I can't even run the length of my garden.  But I spoke to a pain specialist today who reckons I can start pushing that bit harder.  Easier said than done with a job and family.  But I think its time to take a leaf out of your book and get my gym membership renewed.  I used to fall off the rowing machine before my surgery so it could be real fun! 

Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[wind6]

I am on Wellbutrin for depression and lorazepam for anxiety. Both meds are low dose and seem to help quite a bit but the biggest help for how I have been feeling lately was finding you all to listen and understand me. For that I will be eternally grateful.
I agree with Sandy that some pre-op counseling as well as post-op counseling would be really helpful. The only support group in my area is a "Brain Injury Support Group" that meets once per week at one of our hospitals. I'm not sure if I would fit there but I am giving it some thought.

[Patti]

I had a 4 cm AN tumor removed by RS method in 12/00.  Brain swelling caused me to need further surgery to remove a part of my cerebellum to make room for the swelling and they put a temporary shunt in.  I spent 6 weeks in the hospital and rehab and 6 months outpatient rehab (physical, occupational, speech, and cognitive).  I had to stop my teaching career (7th grade science teacher) but I had young children so I felt OK.  I had a seizure a week after the first surgery so I had to take neurontin for 6 months.  When I was weened off of that I started with depression.  I thought something was serious when I started to have thoughts of death being a better option.  I told a trusted doctor about this and started Lexapro.  It helps tremendously.  Twice since then I felt I could ween myself off.  Twice thos feelings of death came back.  I am staying on it forever because it keeps depression away for me.  I also have been in weekly therapy for 4 years and just "graduated" to every other week.  Between therapy and medicine, I have accepted the new me.  I sometimes think I could teach again but those thoughts don't come as often anymore.  I now work 12 hours a week as a lab assistant and need SSD.  Sometimes a few hours at work incapacitates me, but I will have the next day off.  Life is different but good.  But-YES-I needed alot of help accepting all this.  It is so reassuring to hear that all of you had depression problems, too.

[lynndlk]

How can anyone not be depressed, This is a life changing experience. Life dose go on but a lot changes. I can't carry my grandchild for fear of stumbeling. I look like I'm drunk or had to much to drink when I walk to the mail box (And I'm not a drinker) I can't hear my cell phone most of the time, So it's now on viberate. If I fall asleep with my good ear on the pillow I don't hear the phone or the door bell. I was at a meeting the other night and someone was talking to me but I did not realize it because they were to my left and a row behind me. She thought I was ignoring her and tapped me on the shoulder and said "Hay you, I'm talking to you. are you deaf and stupid." My friend told her about my turmor & surgery but still, it's a hard thing to deal with. I haven't asked the doctor for anything yet because I don't like to take medication, but fear I might need to for this.
LynnDee

[debora]

I had so much to say, then I sit at this keyboard and can't think of most of it.  Frying2knights I found that working out on the EFX machine is a challenge if you go at a pretty good pace and close your eyes.  I can do it for probable 30 seconds or so and then have to open them, I feel as if the world is spinning out of control. I just finished and am not feeling to good, but you know I have found that if I keep going it does improve most of the time.  How is the rower?  We need to always challange ourselves, I am so determined to FIGHT, I believe it's what has gotten me this far.  Everybody hang in there, you are not alone and no matter what symptoms you have you have all of us on this site to listen to you, and to maybe give you some answers and definately support. 
Take care  Deb

[nannettesea]

Hang in there.  Your depression is certainly understandable.  I'm seeking counseling and am on anti-depressants, and my condition isn't nearly as severe as yours.  I try to find the positives, that I'm alive, the tumor is out, healing takes time, etc.  But if you can, get some professional help, try to find someone with experience treating people with illlnesses.

Wishing you well,
Nan

[Kathleen_Mc]

Debra: have you ever had councelling for this depression, beyond that of talking to your g.p.?  I saw a psychiatrist for a very brief period and found this very helpful...his diagnosis was post traumatic stress disorder and after a few visits I felt much better, I too have been on and off antidepressants over the years, when life is good and I feel well I am able to wean off them for a while but I haven't been off them for a few years (essentially since I found out about the regrowth I have been really down, now that it's out I plan to wean off them and see how it goes.) Kathleen

[msuscottie]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm a 29 y/o M from Michigan that had my 3.5cm AN surgically removed last October. There is still some risidual tumor and my next MRI (June 1) will determine if it's growing and if I'll need a stage 2 surgey. Since my last surgery, especially over the last few months, I've been feeling pretty depressed. I'm a pretty quiet guy anyway, so I doubt it's visible to most, but I'm just not feeling great. My confidence has really taken a hit. Everytime I speak with someone I feel like they're staring at my eye (dry eye) or my scar. My voice is also a bit weaker (noticable to me) and I often have to stop mid sentence to swallow. I also have minor balance issues still and I'm battling not being able to do everything I use to do. The left side of my face is not droopy, but is still numb, so everytime I eat and have to use a napkin after each bite to make sure there is no food hanging off my lip! Anyone in a similar situation? I don't like to bug people with my issues, but I don't really know how to get over it. I constantly tell myself to "suck it up," but I'm still feeling pretty down. I don't know why this is, but being that it started post surgery, I'm wondering if this is common or if I'm just screwed up?

Thanks,
Scott
-----------------------
3.5cm AN partially removed
at Providence Hospital in Southfield, MI
Dr. Pieper & Dr. LaRouere

[Jeanlea]

Scott,

You sound a lot like me.  I'm older though.  42 and had a 3.5 cm tumor completely removed on September 6.  I also feel like people are staring at my dry eye.  My husband tells me it's not as noticeable as I think.  Still feels that way to me. 
I can really understand the napkin when eating.  If I don't do that I can have food hanging from my mouth and not even know it.  I ate out in public this week with strangers at my table and it went okay.  Of course, since they were on my deaf side I couldn't have heard them even if they did talk about me.  I also find talking difficult because of facial paralysis.  So I talk less.

I go back to teaching in another week.  I'm a bit afraid of that.  I'd like to spend the next year hiding at home, but I know I can't do that.  Hopefully my third graders will be understanding.
I do also get depressed sometimes.  It seems to come on like waves sometimes and I have to fight to overcome it.  I think that is a function of having major surgery. 
The hard part of this is finding other people that truly understand what we have gone through.  This board is a real help.

[Mark]

Scott,

Did your doctors discuss doing radiousrgery on the residual tumor instead of a second surgery. Most experienced AN docs I know will do a "debulking" procedure and treat the remaining tumor with radiation. I'm not sure why you would need ( or want) to go through another surgery

Mark

[Kathleen_Mc]

Scott: I was 23 when I had my tumor removed and had significant change in the way I looked, I never was terribly confident in the way I looked and the two things I liked about myself were taken from me at the same time, my smile and my hair (perfect teeth thanks to braces and it was long). I fell into a great depression and became very self conscious. After a period of time I went to my family doctor and started antidepressants figuring a chemical lift would help, and it did because after brain surgery the chemicals in people's brain gets mixed up and in some causes a chemical depression and this is the case with me. After another period of time I went to a psychiatrist (not a councellor because they are expensive and here in Canada a psychiatrist is covered by o.h.i.p so it didn't cost me anything). I only saw him briefly and felt much better, during my last appointment I finally asked him what diagnosis he had "given me" (mostly out of being curious being that I am a psych. nurse) and I figured "agitated depression" turns out the diagnoses he came to was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a significant life threatening illness such as we have can cause this and if you read up on it you'll see common is depression, anxiety, sleeplessness and self esteem issues. Talk to your doctor, nobody need suffer depression anymore, there is simple and painless resolutions in this day and age. And know many of us in the a.n. boat have had the same experience.
Kathleen

[msuscottie]

Thanks for your messages everyone. I actually go back in December for my next MRI and to discuss what we'll do next, but both of my Dr's have mentioned that Radiosurgery, in their opinion, is out of the question because my tumor is so close to the brainstem. I guess I don't know much about it. At this point I'm just so fed up and frustrated that it's almost like "just do the surgery and let me get on with my life." I hate living in limbo like I've had to since my first surgery. Maybe you can help me based on your experiences ... I'm starting a list of questions for those appointments. When I last met with my neurosurgeon in June his comment was that the risidual tumor is not shrinking and being pretty young, it will almost surely grow again, so be prepared on my next appointment to schedule the next surgery. Any suggestions as to what I should ask there?

Thanks again!

[becknell]

Ok, here's what I would want to know. Do your doctors actually perform radiosurgery? If they don't actually perform it themselves, I would want to seek an opinion from a doctor who does in regards to whether it is possible. If they do perform it, then they should be qualified to say whether its possible or not in your case.