When someone you love is diagnosed with AN

[Open Heart]

Someone very close to me was diagnosed with AN & the surgery is soon. I know he is experiencing tinnitus and various other symptoms. I guess I just don't know what the expect.  But most of all, I want to know how I can be supportive and encouraging?  What can I do to be there?  I want to be there as much as I can, but, sometimes I feel like it's best if I let him be because he doesn't want me there.

[jw]

Hi, Namaste.

You are in a very sad position!  The fact that you have researched and found this site, and are looking for help shows your commitment to this person, and your desire to help him.  I think there are many things to consider.  You say that he is very close to you.  Does he consider you very close to him?  (You don't need to answer me, I'm not prying, just asking you to consider this.)  If he does consider you very close, then I would think his not wanting you there could stem from his own fear, and his uncertainty about what he will be like after surgery.  Perhaps he wants to spare you having to see him after brain surgery, and is afraid that you would be burdened by having to help him afterwards.  His fears will be exaggerated, I'm sure.  The best thing that you can do is be frank and honest with him.  Tell him that he means a lot to you, and that you want to be there to help him and support him in any way that you can.  Tell him that you care and want to be with him to help get him through this.  After that, it's up to him to accept the help.  All that you can do is honestly let him know that you are there, that it is not something that you want to avoid, but that you are genuinely interested.  He may still want to push people away - his way of dealing with this and coming to terms.  That doesn't mean that he will always feel that way, though.  He may initially push away, but then need people to come closer.  He's scared and doesn't know what to expect.  Perhaps one way that you can help him is by researching this - for him or with him, so that he can see what to expect, and can see that he can and will come through this and still live a reasonable life.  That may help calm his fears and do more for him.  How large is his AN?  How old is he?  Is surgery his only option, due to size of the tumor?  There are a lot of questions that will help you find the answers for him.  Perhaps having a calm person with him as he journeys through this, and someone to objectively look at the information and help him sort it out, will help put him at ease.  Perhaps helping him make a list of everything he needs to do pre-surgery (cancel appointments, bills to be paid, house/apartment to be checked when he is away, someone to water the plants, bring him back home, etc.) might help him organize for his surgery?

In the end, all that you can do is extend your hand and make the gesture.  If he does not want help, it doesn't mean that you aren't the person that he wants to help him.  And it doesn't mean that his feelings about accepting help won't change in the future.  Don't push him, just be there to reassure him.  Don't judge him, and try not to get frustrated.  Perhaps you can help get other friends of his to support him as well, and help with things that need to be done.  Hey may be overwhelmed and not wanting to impose on people. 

You've done a great thing by asking others how you can help him.  There are many people here who have gone through this before.  I haven't.  They will be able to offer help knowing what's happening on 'his side' of the equation.

All the best.  I hope this works out for you.

John

[Open Heart]

John,
Thank you so much for your advice and kind words, very helpful and also very informative.  I think you are completely right, I believe his behavior originates from his very own fears about the entire situation. And, you are right by saying all I can do is reassure him that I am here. It's just such a sad predicament because naturally, you want to be there and help in every way possible.  I do not look at it as a burden to assist him, even though I think he views it as that for me.   

[Jeanlea]

Namaste,

I can share with you what helped me as I went through my surgery which was almost 8 weeks ago.  Most importantly was having friends and family around me and wishing me well.  My husband was the most supportive.  He told me before the surgery that we would work through this together and that my health was more important than anything else.

My husband came with me to my doctor appointments.  It was good to have someone else listening to the doctors to keep all the information straight.  After surgery it was good just to have him there.  He was the one that helped with the little things like moving from the bed to the chair, moving my pillows to make me comfortable, and wheeling me around the hospital. 

When we came home, he took me out for walks, watched as I slowly climbed stairs, and all the other little things.  He made sure we got out in public to make my life seem more normal.  Since I have facial paralysis on one side, he's the one that puts the ointment in my eye and covers it every night.  Since driving was something I could not do initially he drove me to all of my physical therapy appointments. 

I guess all these things boil down to helping out as needed while helping the person return to normal as much as possible.  I can understand about feeling guilty about all the help, but when it's given so freely it's easier to accept.

Hope this gives you some ideas.  This person is lucky to have you helping him. 

Jean

[Open Heart]

Jeanlea,
Thank you very much as well. All of your kind words & advice is very helpful. I appreciate it. 

[Mary]

My mother has AN and needs a lot of help.   I very much love taking care of her.   Although it is very different for a man.   It is extremely hard for men to give up there independence and ask someone for help.   He will get upset if you try to do things for him.   I think you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel.   Tell him it makes you happy to help him and you would love for him to lean on you.   Then he is doing it for you and not thinking about himself.   Hope all goes well.

Mary