My Family just doesn't get it.......

[leapyrtwins]

Melissa -

you mentioned maybe taking your in-laws to a pre op appointment, but I was wondering if you've taken your husband to any?  If not, you might want to.  Talking to the doctor might help things "set in" for him.

Just a thought,

Jan

[george3933]

George again.

Been thinking about you over night.  I see this as an opportunity to you to stand tall, with who you are and therefore with the decisions that you make for yourself.  There is nothing selfish or unbecoming about that.  I think your offering to have your in-laws at an appointment with your doctor is a genius move.  Well done.  And you know what - if the support doesn't come from there, you have 30 days to find it else where.  Church group, friends, your wonderful mother's friends, parents of your kids friends, neighbors, friends from the bar you frequent, where you work, where you play or exercise or wherever.  Maybe you need to broaden your "ask group".  But your need is real, and you are a courageous person for embracing it and paying attention to it.  You know the word courageous comes from the French word for heart.  Being courageous means to live according to your heart, your essence, who are at any paritcular time in your life.
Keep being courageous!

[Melissa778]

Jan~ My husband was unable to go to my last appointment with me due to unforseen work circumstances.  SO he was not there when I chose to go ahead with the surgery and to go ahead with this Dr.  He is planning on attending my pre-op appt.  Hopefully it will then set in:)

Thanks much George.....I have broadened my circle of helpers and enlisted some neighbors.....

David, (or anyone) any ideas where I can find some info to help family members?  If not, that is a definite suggestion to make to ANA   Maybe even something explaining it to children as well.......never hurts.  I'm going to check out the HEI website and see what I can find......

Thanks again all.....Wish you were all closer, I'd be enlisting you to help me wrangle my little demons while I'm down and out

Melissa

[yardtick]

Melissa,

I wish you all the best.  I too have very selfish IN LAWS from the hell.  Almost 24yrs of marriage and I'm still an outsider, meanwhile all of the family functions are here at my house.  I just know I will not treat my daughter-in-laws the way I've been treated.  

Rest, take care of yourself, let your children know you love them.  You have every right to be "too sensitive", and you will get through this, with or without them.

Anne Marie

[Mary 117]

Melissa,
I hope you are doing ok. All the suggestions here are great. I think it is really important not to "lower" yourself to the nasty level. I think your "killing them with kindness" is the way to go. They will probably never get it but it makes you feel better.

As for in-laws, I just have to put in a good word. While my Mother was terrible, my ex-mother-in-law was wonderful. She bought me 1st class tickets from Montana to LA for surgery. She sent far too many packages of pj's, robes and slippers. Paid for my ex to fly from Canada to LA to help get me home. Took my kids on a week long vacation a few weeks into my recovery, so I could have a rest. So, when the mean, little people get me down, I think about the truly good people I know and it gives me the warm, fuzzy feeling! Chocolate moments with out the calories.

Rest, take care,
Mary

[HeadCase2]

daydreamer,
  As far as helping with family members, check with your doctors' admin people.  Many hospitals have support counselors who can explain to family members and or kids about AN.  My kids went to a [free] session at Duke's Brain Tumor Center that they found very helpful.  They explained AN and AN treatment with head and brain models, which seemed to calm some of their fears.  Some of their fears can be related to their imaginations running rampent, when they don't understand what's going on.
Regards,
 Rob

[LADavid]

Melissa
I checked with family members to see where that pamphlet came from on AN surgery.  It was from the House Clinic.  Maybe you could give them a call to get one.  The phone number is 213-483-9930.

In looking around for the AN booklet, I found another one that might be beneficial for all of you who are dealing with hearing issues and friends and family.  It's called "Hearing Impairment -- Practical Suggestions for the Patient and Family."  I found it to be very useful when I got a hearing aid in helping others work with me on learning how to use it.  There's a small number 35 at the top of the booklet.

I would strongly suggest both booklets.  I'm sure if you contact the House Clinic they will provide them.

Hope this helps.

David

[MaryBKAriz]

You go girl!!! Cheering you on here in AZ,

Mary

[Melissa778]

The in-law update.......I told them both how I felt about everything.....I think they were both pretty upset with me, but neither of them said much.  Subject was dropped, now they act as if my having surgery doesn't exist.....Which I guess is better than criticizing me   AGH!!!  Oh well.  At least I dont' have to hear anymore crap from them   Thanks all for your support and good advice everyone!

Melissa

[Sue]

Gee, Melissa, did your husband's family get the message that Acoustic Neuroma, if left unchecked, has the ability to KILL PEOPLE!  It may be a non-cancerous growth, and the term "benign" is used, but AN's can be anything but "benign" in many ways.  It doesn't seem like they have grasped that simple concept, does it?  Once people hear "benign" then they think everything is okay.  Well, lot's of benign things can lead to serious complications and even death.  Their complete disregard of your physical and emotional needs right now is appalling.  And for them to second guess your treatment is also beyond reason.  It's not their place to decide what is best for you.  A simple " This is the treatment of choice that my doctor and I have decided is best for me and my situation.", should have shut them up.  And even though, I, at this point in time, would like a few minutes in a locked room with your in-laws, you, on the other hand, have to live with them in some sort of peaceful harmony, so I don't recommend doing what I'm thinking of doing at the moment!    See, I had to vent! HA

It sounds like you will be getting help from other sources, which was going to be my recommendation.  I do hope that everything goes smoothly for you.

Kindest regards,

Sue in Vancouver USA

[MaryBKAriz]

Hi Melissa,

I am really sorry your in-laws are less than supportive. That has to be hard for you. I am glad you are sticking with what you feel is best for you because they don't live in your shoes. I am sending you lots of good thoughts and best wishes. You go girl!

Mary

[robynabc]

I feel for you Mellissa and I am glad you did what you did.  Even if it made them mad.  My inlaws and Ex are downright abusive.  It is hard for me because I don't know what to do.  I can't wrap my arms around how people can act that way.  What I finally realized is that those sort of poeple don't respond to reasonableness (don't know if that is a word)  They only respond to the same tactics they use.  It feels bad because you feel as if you are stooping to their level but really it is the only way you can get anywhere with them.  I am sorry you won't get any support from them but it is unlikely that they would have been truly supportive and may have made it harder for you at a time you don't need that.  I hope you can find support in another place.  And I truly hope your husband will decide to support you too.  If not you know you have heartfelt support here.    Good luck with everything. 

Robyn

[Jim Scott]

The in-law update.......I told them both how I felt about everything.....I think they were both pretty upset with me, but neither of them said much.  Subject was dropped, now they act as if my having surgery doesn't exist.....Which I guess is better than criticizing me   AGH!!!  Oh well.  At least I dont' have to hear anymore crap from them   Thanks all for your support and good advice everyone!

Melissa

Melissa:

I'm glad you confronted the in-laws but I suspect little will change, which is unfortunate.  Frankly, this is a situation that your husband needs to address with them -  but obviously will not.  From what you related in your earlier post, (surgery? what surgery?)  he seems to share their slightly annoyed attitude toward your upcoming surgery, which is sad.  I pray he'll come around and realize that you're facing a challenge here and need his support, even if your in-laws can't or won't recognize that or help. 

Meanwhile, without whining, try to help your husband recognize that you need for him to be your advocate now.  In my opinion, this is the time for a spouse to step up and do what is right for the one they love.  Unfortunately, some guys just don't get it . Perhaps a chat with the doctor and some more information as to what you're facing will bring him to his senses in this matter and he'll be more supportive.  In any case, you need to stay strong and not allow what others say or do (or won't do) to control your life.  Many of us have gotten through this.  Sometimes, in a tough situation like this, friends can be a better support than family.  This may be one of these times. 

We're here for you if you need us, we care what happens with you and many folks are praying for you, Melissa. 

Jim    

[goinbatty]

Hi Melissa,
My heart goes out to you.  Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. 
Take care,
Sandra

[george3933]

Melissa -

I wondering how you are doing and how the preparation for the surgery is going.

Be courageous - be from your heart.

George