My husband wants his wife back

[Nancy Drew]

Another post, and I promise this is the last one for the day!  My husband always gives me the evil eye when I am on the computer a lot writing or reading on this site or  doing research about this AN.  He is a nice guy, and he isn't the jealous type.  But, lately I think he is suspicious that I am having an "affair" on the internet.  I just want to be informed and get support from those of us who understand each other in no way that a nonAN person can understand.  Do any of you have a spouse, partner, child, etc. whom feels the same way---"get the heck off that computer and don't think so much about that darn thing in your head".  Frustrating.  I try to research while he is gone or doing something around the house to just keep him off my back.  But, he just poked his head in the door and gave me "the look".  So, I'm gonna quit for now.  Maybe he is right.  Could be an addiction or just wanting to be informed and supported.

Nancy

[marymomof3]

Hi Nancy!  I was the same way.  i convinced myself that I was trying to better educate myself, but I do think I had crossed the line to addiction.  I also think that it's my personailty to research something to death.  I found myself on the internet everynight and on the phone with other ANer's alot.  At some point I realized that I was excluding my husband and started getting him involved in the stories I had read on the internet.

Good luck with the 'affair"!  ha ha ha!
Mary

[Kaybo]

Nancy~

I get the same feeling from my hubby.  He is a WONDERFUL husband and father - I think that in our case, it is hard because I went for 12 years with NO AN support (just really didn't think about it) and now all of the sudden I have all these few "friends" and am on the computer more!  I am trying to do better and want to do EVEN better about not being on here so much when he is home!  Good Luck to us all on finding the happy medium!

K

[wendysig]

Hi Nancy -
My husband definitely thinks I spend too much time on the internet and thinking about my AN.  I think he just doen't get it, so we are at an impasse.  I'm not sure what to do about this as we see things very differently with regard to my AN.  I am not a self-centered or self-absorbed person and think he really need to be more understanding and supportive.  Ths is a scary thing to have happen and I think his way of dealing with it is by not dealing with it.  He doesn't ask questions and I think would rather not know, because if he doesn't know he will be less worried.

Wendy

[leapyrtwins]

I am divorced, and was when I was diagnosed, but I can tell you that if I were still married my spouse would not have been supportive in the least.  He would have been entirely uninterested in what I was going through and in addition he would have been totally unsupportive.  He would have hated the doctors I chose to perform my surgery, just because I liked them and he would have tried to talk me into radiation rather than surgery because of the shorter recovery period since he would not have wanted to deal with the kids or with me being "incapacitated".  Some of that was just the state of our marriage, some of it is just the way he is.

I really don't have any sage words of advice to those of you who are married - and I'm definitely not suggesting you get divorced    However, your spouse has to realize that having an AN is a life altering experience.  It's not fatal, but it's life altering nonetheless.  No matter how successful your treatment is, the reality is you will never be the same person you were before you were diagnosed.   

Yes, this forum can be addicting - I find myself posting at all hours of the day and night - even on breaks and my lunch hour at work.  But, IMO there is just something so special about being able to relate to others who know firsthand what you are going through.  I wouldn't expect anyone who doesn't have an AN to get it - IMO there is just no way they can.

Jan

[LADavid]

My cat,Yikes (actually my daughter's cat that I have inherited) looks up at me from beneath my computer desk with painfully sad eyes saying, "Dave, you need to get a life.  You need to be making more trips to the kitchen to feed me than you spend with your brainbooger buddies." 

Actually, I don't know how you married folks do it.  Knowing past wives and girlfriends, they would feel like jilted lovers, marital and otherwise outcasts.  And Nancy, I have no suggestions.  This is a club of only those who can relate.  I do understand where the significant others are coming from.  You are a part of their life yet they aren't included in a part of yours.  Maybe if you limit your time on the forum to a designated half hour of the day?  I don't know.  And of course not knowing is probably the reason why I am single.

David (who is on his way to the kitchen to get Yikes more food)

[martyc]

Initially my husband didn't want me hearing other people's stories either as he thought it would increase my fears.  Of course it did, but that was reality as this is a scary season of life to face this surgery.  He was also skeptical of second opinions, but the more I pursued what I needed to for a sense of peace, the more things fell into place.  As soon as I made the decision about Dr.'s and surgery, then my husband was on board and even proud of me for doing my homework so that the results could be as good as possible.  I had surgery 3 1/2 weeks ago and I'm so thankful to say that my husband was with me every step of the way.  He couldn't have been more supportive.  So, my advice, for what is worth, is to pursue peace (I believe it's God's peace) in your decisions and pray for your husband to come alongside and support you.  Worked for me.  One last thing is that I don't think men are wired to be long term caretakers (generally).  My husband is very tired lately at all that is on his plate, so I look for opportunities for him to recover as well.
Blessings to you as you endure surgery and recovery.  I'm doing pretty well! 

[Nancy Drew]

Such wonderful thoughts and stories, and I do believe that those who we call supporters react in different ways.  After making this last post and signing off, my husband came and make an odd face at me because I has taken my wedding ring off.  He was like, "Have I lost you to the computer?"  I said, "No dummy, a bee stung me while I was working in the yard, and I took my ring off so it wouldn't swell".  Told him I was just getting support from people who know what it is like to walk in similar shoes.  He is an engineer so I tried to put it on his level of why he does research when he is working on a project that is complex and maybe he has not encountered before.  The picture started coming together for him.  He really is concerned about me, and he wants the best, but he is also scared of his own feelings.  Is there anywhere a spouse of an ANer can go for support?  It must be hard on them, and maybe they are trying to just be brave for us.  So, I'm back on the board, but I think I am going to limit myself to one hour a day at least.  My honey just wants to spend more time with him, and I am sure that is true.  I am just all caught up in this now, and I am sure it will die down after awhile.  Take care all, and keep on doing what is right for you.  Nancy

[sgerrard]

I like this topic, Nancy. I am tempted to move it into our new "Caregivers" section, because your husband, and other spouses, are in a sort of "pre-caregiver" stage, where they don't really know what is happening or what to expect, or what to do.

It is ironic that you are busy on this forum posting about the problem of spending too much time on the forum. You are obviously sensitive to his feelings, so it is not like you are neglecting him. One idea is to let him know that among other things, this very topic is one of the things you are discussing on the forum. Another would be to invite him to have a look at the forum with you, and to share the experience with him.

Though like David I can't speak from personal experience about a spouse, I did notice similar effects on friends, co-workers and family members. Once they figured out that I wasn't going to die, and would be back at work and still functional, they stopped wanting to know anymore. The difference for me is that I can spend hours on the forum, without bugging anyone around me.

You are caught up it now, in fact at about the peak of intensity, and it really will die down after a while. Many find that just making a treatment decision is a huge relief, and certainly, if you are doing treatment, that becoming a postie is one as well. Tell him to hang on, you'll be home for Christmas.

Steve

[Sue]

Actually, I have the opposite response happening to me.  Since I'm somewhat active on the Good Morning thread, my family knows about my Pirate friends and ask about them now and then.  They want to know what we've been up to lately.  Thankfully, this computer time has been a non-issue for my husband.  But then, I do genealogy and they are used to me being on here anyway.

Sue in Vancouver USA

[Debbi]

I'm in the same court as Sue - I am eternally grateful for my husband for his support and understanding.  As many of you know, he posted daily detailed updates to all my friends here on the forum while I was in the hospital - both times!  He was the one who found the forum and directed me to it.  As I have said so many times, I am lucky in SO many ways.

What I would suggest to those whose spouses are less tolerant is that they are scared too.  People deal with fear differenlty - some of us seek out information and talk through our feelings while others try to limit how much they absorb and still others find it too painful and frightening to think about at all.  My advice to anyone is to be patient with each other - we may be the ones with the AN, but those who love us are also deeply affected.

Debbi - blessed in many ways...

[yardtick]

My husband and sons think I spend way too much time here!!!  I don't really care what they think...selfish maybe, but I'm the one needing the support and friendship not them. 

I'm so grateful for this place.  It's kept me sane, it has answered many questions and it has offered me a sense of well being.

Now I must get ready for my MRI.  I have to check in at the Toronto General for 1:00pm.  I have to look my best you know

Thanks again to all of you wonderful people on this forum....you are like family to me!

Anne Marie

P.S. Happy Father's Day again to all you Dads!!!

[leapyrtwins]

Anne Marie -

good luck with the MRI 

Debbi -

you truly are blessed with a thoughtful and support husband. 

Jan

[wendysig]

I havew to say that I agree 100% with Jan and Ann Marie.  Good luck with your MRI Ann Marie.  I am the one who needs support.  I try to keep my husband informed regarding my AN but as I said, he deals with it by not dealing with it, so I do what I need to do.  I don't spend too many hours on the computer when he is  home, so although he does complain when I do spend what he considers too much time here, it might not be as big an issue as it is for others.  I just wish he would show more interest and concern about what is happening.

Wendy

[Jim Scott]

Nancy:

I can't offer you too much but FWIW: As soon as I was diagnosed, my wife often joined me 'on the computer' as we looked up articles, sites, etc about Acoustic Neuroma.  She was my partner all the way and was interested in whatever I found that particular session. 

Now, I try not to spend too much time on the computer but my wife understands that, when I'm on the ANA site, I'm using doing something positive.  She doesn't mind, as long as it doesn't cut into our time together.  I don't let it.

I would suggest, as others have, that you attempt to include your husband in your research and especially in these forums.  He may (or may not) become more interested but at least he won't be suspicious, if he can see what you're actually doing is helpful (and transparent).  Beyond that advice for spousal inclusiveness, I can only add that I hope the issue is resolved, soon, without any misunderstandings between you and your husband and I hope these comments help.

Jim