Ideas to Help Children Cope with Mom's Surgery

[Kathleen5306]

I know several of you that I have met online have children.  My three children are ages 14, 13 and 10.  My surgery is this Wednesday, July 30.  What have some of you done to help your children cope with this last pre-op stress?  What did you do right after the surgery?  What did you do when you got home?  Any pointers you can share about what helped your kids would be great!

All the best,

Kathleen

[MAlegant]

Kathleen,
Just be honest with them, but allow them to give voice to their fears.  My 20 year old son had a meltdown, but quickly recovered and has been a rock. He seemed comforted by the "odds" of my recovery. I also warned him that I might look worse than I actually felt after surgery and explained what kinds of tubes/machines I would be hooked to.  I also told him that he didn't need to come to the ICU if he wasn't up to it.  Once home, I sent him to visit friends of his in Boston, so that he could get back to a sense of normalcy.  Kids are way more resilient than we are sometimes!
Good luck with the surgery and the after--you'll do fine. 

[Pembo]

Kathleen, My kids were 8, almost 6, and almost 2 when I had surgery. We talked to the older two about the surgery in simple terms. They stayed with my parents across town. I ended up being hospitalized for 16 days. We were lucky that they feel very comfortable there. They came home one at a time to not overwhelm me.

I was very worried about them seeing me in the hospital but kids love their mom no matter what and they were cautious but I still got my hugs. Also they each gave me a "lovey" to take to the hospital. The last thing I remember before surgery is holding a seal, a blanket, and a kitty.

Surround them with people who they trust so they can ask all their questions. I found out recently that my 8 yo asked his uncle before my surgery if I was going to die. My 6 yo asked a family friend the same thing after my surgery.

I joke that my kids had a great summer when I had my surgery. They spent a lot of time at my parent's house. People were offering to take them to the pool, the amusement park, the movies, etc for weeks after surgery.

Kids are strong. Give them lots of loving supportive people around them and they will do great.

[Jim Scott]

Kathleen:

I only have one child, a son who was 26 (and living at home) at the time of my surgery, so my experience may not be all that helpful to you.  He was a bit nervous, of course, but shared my optimism about a good outcome.  He realized that I wasn't going to die and that relieved his anxiety.  When he saw that I was basically 'intact' following the surgery, he was supportive but sort of moved on with his own life and assumed that I was going to be fine.  I was.  He had me playing miniature golf with him ( a hobby we share) about a month after the surgery.  I think he was in a bit of denial about the seriousness of the surgery but my excellent recovery reassured him.  Of course, he is an adult and his reactions won't necessarily correspond to those of a child.

For young children, I would be honest but optimistic.  You have a tumor in your skull that has to be taken out. It's a delicate operation - but not fatal.  You'll be fine.  I would shy away from having my child visit the hospital immediately after the surgery and seeing you in a head bandage and relatively incapacitated, which might make the child rather uneasy, since they tend to think of mom (or dad) as near omnipotent and certainly indestructible (ha!).  Frankly, there are a lot of things to consider, including the maturity of the child in question and what your relationship is with each child.  I would emphasize the need for them to 'help daddy' (or whomever is going to care for them and assist you when you get home) and that nothing bad is going to happen.  You may have to act more optimistic than you feel but don't fake it to the point where they can sense your anxiety behind the smiles.  That would undercut your credibility and might give the child the idea that mom is lying to them because this must be really, really bad.  On the 'good-bye hugs', don't hold the child as if you are never going to see them again.  Try to be relatively normal...and no tears from you.  They may cry but they are children and you are their world so you have to be strong for them at that time.

I'm just a parent not a child psychologist but I know the dynamic in families can be complex and of course, like AN patients, every child is different.  I simply offer a few comments that may (or may not) be of help.  I wish you much success in dealing with this important issue and, of course, prayers for a successful surgery and rapid recovery.

Jim

[Kathleen5306]

Thanks, everyone.  These are all great suggestions and pretty much in line with the approach we have been taking.  Since I live in Denver and am flying to Los Angeles, there is no worry about the kids seeing me with bandages on!  If my recovery gets prolonged (House says plan for 2-4 weeks in Los Angeles area) we may fly the kids out later for a fun Southern California adventure.  We'll cross that bridge if we need to.  My mother-in-law is moving into our house so that the kids can just keep with their usual routine, usual friends, usual beds.  My husband will be with me for at least the first two weeks and can talk to them frequently, IM with them, and when I look presentable, send them a photo.  I will do my best, Jim, to not cry when I hug them.  That one, however, will be tough.  But, with your up front coaching, I will try!

Kathleen

[Syl]

Hi Kathleen,

I don't have children, but I do have teenage nieces (ages 13, 15, and 18) that I am very close to. Before my surgery these three girls were very involved in my preparation for surgery. They accompanied me during my shopping trips, and I was very open about the risks of surgery. After my surgery I stayed with them (and their parents) for two weeks. These three girls were very eager to be involved in my care. Whether I needed help serving my meals or needed to go for a ride on the golf cart just to get out of the house for a little bit, they were happy to be involved.

Your children are younger than my nieces, but I think it's important to include them in the preparation for surgery and the recovery afterwards. May I suggest that you assign each one a duty, however small, to allow them a role in your recovery process. This will make them feel more at ease with the situation.

I will be thinking of you and praying for the best.

Syl

[yardtick]

Kathleen,

My four boys are actually young men and we talk about EVERYTHING.  It was and is very hard for me not to be straight forward and honest with them.  I just told them the facts.  They were shocked the first time they saw me, but also relieved I was going to be all right.  I feel that it doesn't matter what age your children are you have to be honest and straight forward with them in terms they can understand.

You are travelling out of state also so you will not see your children for a few weeks.  Separation anxiety will be high.  I went on vacation to Mexico several years ago and leaving my sons was one of the hardest things I'm ever done.  I can still picture Gabriel with his arm on the wall crying his heart out because I was leaving.  He was eleven at the time.  It took me four days into my vacation before I could relax and enjoy myself. 

I feel you just have to reassure them that you may be gone for awhile and when you come home you may not feel all that well or look quite the same, but you love them just the same.   Kids are amazing and they will give you so much strength when you do return home.  Enjoy the next few days with them and get lots of hugs and kisses to get you through the next several weeks.

From one mom to another,
Anne Marie

[JerseyGirl2]

Hi,
 
My perspective is also that of one with an older child. My 24-year-old daughter was quite anxious to fly out to be with my husband and me during my surgery. At first I discouraged her from coming -- I assured I would be fine (she had done some research on her own, and felt comfortable with my decisions and prognosis for a good recovery); my surgery was during the first week of her second semester of grad school, and I hated to have her disrupt her schedule and contend with lengthy flights. But she persisted, and I'm glad she did! She flew out the evening before my surgery and stayed through the weekend, til the afternoon before my release from the hospital. It was wonderful to have her there -- particularly for her to be with her dad while he spent those long hours in the waiting room. In retrospect, I felt a little selfish in initially discouraging her from coming, since she really wanted to be there and was such a comfort to both my husband and me. Guess I learned a good lesson: if someone wants to be there, welcome them with open arms!

[JulieE]

Hi Kathleen,
Mine were 8, and 5 for surgery and the key was communication.  Age appropriate, of course.  From the day of diagnosis when my husband took the MRI, an apple which represented my head and he sliced like the MRI, and a superball to show them the thing that didn't belong, and explained what was going on (then they ate my brain (apple) to make light of it!), we have been pretty open.  We had the good fortune of spring surgery, so I planted a garden b4, which they tended till I was able to come up and see it.  They proudly presented these sprouts happily poking their heads out, and I took my first fall, which put me right where I wanted to be: sitting down pulling weeds.  Not having that luxury, you might try "Sea Monkeys"  you (your hubby or m-in-law) can get at a pet store or on ebay.  Your 10 year old would love them and it would give them something to tend to till you get home and they can tend to you.  they can spend hours watching these microscopic things grow and would just visible to you when you come home.  My oldest, a daughter, is militant about my recovery - reminding me to keep my hands on the home row when I type (I was having problems with my right side and wanted to use the left for everything), and I hear her say "your OK " when I suggest I can't do something, mimicking me when they take a fall or approach something they think is to difficult.
Some good advice has come before, and knowing what Jim said is true, I tried not to be to emotional the night B4.  It didn't work, and that is part of it, and it is O.K.  Children are amazingly resilient.
Best to you, and your family.  Prayers are with you.
Julie

[Jim Scott]

Children are amazingly resilient.

Indeed they are. 

When my son was about 3 years old, we were out in the yard and he took a fall but I could tell right away that he wasn't really hurt.  I noticed that as he got up - his face contorting into 'cry mode' - he looked right at me.  I quickly smiled brightly at him and said something breezy and light about his being 'fine', then laughing about his fall (which was quite minor and startled him, more than anything else).  I then watched his little scrunched up face reset into it's normal expression as he started playing again, quickly forgetting the little fall that had set him on the road to a good wail just moments before.  I learned a lesson that day: if your child is scared, startled or otherwise ready to cry and wail (but not really injured) he/she will probably look to mom and/or dad for a signal as to how to respond.  If you look frightened and worried and fuss and fret over some non-existent injury, the child will likely respond to that with a good cry, as he or she will 'read' your expectations and crying usually means attention and sometimes, a reward. 

Just a personal anecdote that I believe reinforces Julie's opinion about children being both resilient and mimics of their parents in some respects, especially in stressful situations.  Which is why I suggested that a parent going in for AN surgery might not want to act so emotionally beforehand as to pass their fears and stresses onto their young child.  That is far easier said than done, I realize, but I state it as a suggestion, not a requisite.  Again, every family has it's own dynamic and age is a critical factor in how a child will deal with this situation.  The prior posts reflect that reality and I seriously doubt that anyone here - myself most definitely included - is going to presume to know exactly what is best for other people's children, or even attempt to instruct another parent what is best for their child.  We simply offer (requested) suggestions for a specific instance (AN surgery/recuperation) based on our own experiences and leave the parenting to the parents involved. 

We've raised our child and he turned out O.K. (university degree, good job, no drug or alcohol issues, strong relationship with mom and dad and a man of integrity). I only wish to pass on whatever I can to another parent.  I've now done so, twice.  I think that's all I have to offer on this subject and I trust it was at least marginally helpful to Kathleen and anyone else who might have been interested. 

Jim

[Kathleen5306]

All of this is HUGELY helpful and reassuring.  Thanks to everyone for their insights, perspectives and points of view.  You all are wonderful.

Kathleen

[cmp]

Kathleen--

I don't have much to add to all the great advice above, except to say how great it is that your MIL will be helping your kids keep to their normal routine. In addition to reassuring them and talking to them about anything they may be worried about, I thing the normalcy part is really key.

Due to a last minute change to my scheduled date (I'm 5 weeks post op), I had my surgery the day before my 15 year old son was to be dropped off at sleepaway camp for a month. I was very worried about how he would do with the stress and uncertainty (and not seeing that I was "OK" before our separation), and followed the camp director's advice to let my son be my guide (ie as to how much reassurance he needed, whether we should delay dropping him off at camp a day or two, etc). He ended up going to camp on time, and just a couple of reassuring calls from home (one from my husband when I was first out of surgery, and one from me a day later, when I was up to being on the phone) were enough to tide him over till I was able to resume my normal letter-writing campaign.

Not only are kids resilient, they really trust us, so if we say we're OK, they believe it!

Best wishes for your upcoming surgery!

Carrie

[Melissa778]

My kids are 5 and 2, I was very up front with my 5 year old and explained things in ways I knew he would understand.  I had an army of people making sure they stuck to there normal routine and that was a great help.  My daughter of course at 2 didn't really understand and we just told her I had a boo-boo and the doctor was going to make it all better.  I sent them pictures of me on the camera phone and i talked to them every day which was encouraging to them.  I had my surgery about an hour and a half from home so they did make the dirve one day to see me and I know my son (5) was scared seeing me with all the IV's and the bandage.....but i got up and did some walking with them in the hall and he seemed fine after that.  I just kept telling him over and over that mom was better and that i felt ok, and that i would have bad days and that it would be OK even when i had a bad day.  The more I reassured him, the better he felt about everything.  My duaghter at 2 never really "got it", she was just happy to have me back when I got home.  She liked to help take care of me and rub my back   Now at 10 weeks post op she still asks to see my "boo-boo" at least once a week.  and she always kisses my head and tells me "it's ok momma". 

So in the words of my two year old "it's Ok momma", they'll do just fine as long as you stay strong for them   I really do think honesty, on a level they will undertand, is key.

Oh, I also bought each of them a speacial frame and put a picture of myself and each child in there respective frame, my husband said they loved saying good night to me on the phone every night and they would then hug and kiss the frame  

Best of luck to you, you're in my prayers
Melissa

[HeadCase2]

Hi Kathleen,
   Another suggestion.  My local brain tumor center (at Duke) has support therapists who know how to walk kids through what's happening with their parent and having an AN treated.  At larger treatment centers this is usually a free service.   My teen girls tell me they found this very helpful, and went a long way in addressing their worries.  The therapist walked them through AN surgery with models, what to expect during recovery, etc., and answered all the guestions they had.   Check around in your area, there may be more support available to help relieve your kids anxiety.
Regards,
  Rob 

[cynthianz]

Kathleen, Melissa has children similar to mine in age (2.5 and 4.5) and we did many of same things.  Kept routine same, and we did not mention it until day before.  Our kids were used to visiting in hospitals as their grandfather and cousin had bouts with illness, so they were not scared when we talked about mummy's "boo boo" needing to be fixed.  We surrounded them with loving aunties, grandparents and friends and added BONUS was Daddy-everyday while I was in hospital and newly home.  We were lucky Kevin could take that time for all of us.  I posted pictures in their room and tape recorded me singing their favourite nite-nite songs so Kevin could play it for them.  I was only in hospital 10 days.  They came to see me twice after bandages off, but I have to tell you, they looked at me like I was from another planet!  We had prepared a play pack of books, puzzles, crayons, etc and went to a family room for our visits.  Really, about 30 minutes of up-and-atem activity after the quiet, quiet, quiet of the ward was all I could manage.  I had a special pillowcase made for me in the hospital, from www.snapfish.com.  Took a fav photo of my angels and blew it up huge to fill the case.  Hugged it every night.  Everyone commented on it -  it really helped me have them there. 

There are all these "issues" surrounding the surgery -- I was constantly told by the doctors how lucky I was it's benign, with no address to the seriousness of the surgery and allthe "what if" questions parents of young ones are sleepless about.  Talk to anyone and everyone so you enter the hospital as zen as possible. 

I thought I would have half my head shaved, but only had a crescent shaped area and scar behind my ear, so that must have eased any issues with the kids as well.   At this point, if you are reading this, you are in LA.   God Speed and take it easy.   Listen to the nurses and if you just need someone to hold your hand ask for it.   

My docs in Auckland gave next to no info on pre surgery or post surgery, so i;ve been rolling with it, as have the kids.  Not being able to drive is a tough adjustment for awhile.  But just a small inconvenience in the big pic.  Looking forward to hearing your good news when you have energy to spare.  Cynthia Morris