empty nest in 2 days

[Patti]

I am feeling scared and i am sorry to whine about this but no one in my life can really understand this-even myself.  I know i have told this story before, but i need to talk.  i was a full time science teacher at the time of my diagnosis and subsequent surgeries and rehabilitation.  i was eventually put on permanent disability.  i rationalized this as being a blessing because it enabled me to be a better mom to my two girls by having less stress and more free time for them. tomorrow i take my child back to college after bringing the other last week.  i never have figured out what i want for when they are gone and now the time is here.  i have tried lots of things while i was home these years, and even have worked part-time, but i still haven't figured out what i love in life.  i feel like i have this gift of an empty nest but don't know what to do with the freedom.  i have tried too! knitting, writing, spanish language, yoga, volunteering, etc..  nothing has grabbed me.  my husband said i should put it out of my mind until next week.  i know he's right but in a way i have put my disability out of my mind for 8 years because i had a family to raise.  now i don't know what to make of my life.  i am 46 years old (almost) and don't know what i want to do with my life.  there probably is nothing anyone can say to help me.  i have to feel it and i don't.  i only feel anxiety over this new freedom.  does anyone have any advice for me?  patti

[Cheryl R]

Hi Patti, when you get an answer pass it on.           I am kind of in a similar situitation.        I retired from nursing last spring due to being almost completely deaf.    My surgery improved me enough that I can function  better.          I just can't decide whether to try and work a little again or stay retired.                I do have some tiredness at times and some forgetfulness.   Not bad but just not sure how would handle work.             I can't decide if could handle the extreme busyness there was at times.                  I am on the computer way too much and read but getting myself going on other projects has been hard.                        I can't type worth a darn and transpose terribly so a computer job is not a possibilty.           I am 56 so older but trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life also.                 I am free to babysit our grandkids now if needed so staying retired is good in some ways.       Not having to get out in winter weather sounds good too as walking on slick is hard for me.               I am sure this all sounds lucky to those who are busy with family and work.               
I would say don't push yourself and just give yourself a little time to see what does come to you.
Having your kids move out is hard so be good to yourself for now.            I have been thru that and it can be emotional for awhile.         
                Good luck to you,               Cheryl R

[lori67]

Patti,

I can't really offer much advice on the empty nest thing, as my nest is quite crowded and will be for some time.

What I can say is that you are young and obviously motivated, so I think in time you'll find what you want to do.  At least now you have the freedom to experiment with different things, although it sounds like you've done a lot of that already.  There's lots of stuff out there to get involved in.  If one thing doesn't seem right for you, then you can try something else.  Believe me, I do this all the time.  My mother says it's because I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.    

I had a hard time when I stopped working 6 years ago to stay home with my little ones - I had no idea what to do with any free time I did have.  I tried out a few things - a part time job, taking some classes, volunteering for various things, and then eventually found a few places that I really enjoyed volunteering for and I still do that when i can.  I know it's different than your situation, but I think whether you have an empty nest or a full one, you still need to find what makes you feel good.  And remember, your girls are only a phone call away - and you know they'll be back with lots of dirty laundry before you know it!

Lori

[sgerrard]

Hi Patti,

I think you are jumping the gun. It may seem like you have "tried lots of things", but it is not the same if you are raising two teenagers. You haven't actually experienced the empty nest yet!

I have both a sister and a friend who have gone through things like this. It took them several months to get a feel for what their new found freedom actually meant, and what range of things were now possible. For instance, my sister has trotted off to Mexico several times to visit specific areas for two weeks at a time - something that never even crossed her mind until now.

I don't think you should worry about what to do with your life. One day you will wake up feeling bored, and that you don't care what other people think anymore, and you will decide to just go off and do something you really want to do. That will be the right thing for you to do.

Meanwhile, if anyone asks why you aren't doing anything special, just tell them you are finding ways to reduce your carbon footprint. 

Steve

[Kate B]

Hi Patti,

My "nest" is empty as of a week ago....I took my son to college in Arizona....and I live in Illinois:-)  To boot, there is no husband at home, so I am really an empty nester. My son commented on being so far away...My response to him was that I raised him to be self-sufficient and independent, so that this is just the natural "circle of life" and how awesome that it is to be a mom and get to that point to watch your children mature.

Worrying about being an empty nester will only make you more anxious.  Life unfolds in unusual ways, so just enjoy the ride... It will unfold the way it is supposed to! That is my prescription...

Kindest Regards,
Kate

[Patti]

thank you so much for you kind words cheryl, lori, steve  and kate.  i was feeling very low when i wrote that and will probably feel that way again, but i am home now with an empty nest and content.  i do have a bad habit (problem) with anticipatory anxiety.  i always worry what will come next.  i will take your advice and slow down, don't worry, and wait to see where life brings me.  steve-it's funny but i always said i would go to mexico when my kids left to practice spanish but i am too wimpy to travel alone.  my husband does not have free time at the non-touristy times.  you have put the idea back in my head.  cheryl-thanks for your personal note.  kate-you can rejoice in a clean house!  lori-thanks for understanding.  patti

[Kaybo]

Patti~
I have an extra room and need a LOT of help all the time - it is always CRAZY around here.  I could definitely use another pair of hands!!  The girlies are really cute!  You wouldn't have to bring your hubby - it might be JUST WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR!!!! 
            

K

[Kate B]

i always worry what will come next.  i will take your advice and slow down, don't worry, and wait to see where life brings me. 

My dad's wisdom: 99% of what we worry about never comes true and yet we spend so much time and energy in worry.
So now, until I have to worry (like it is reality), then I try my best not to use the energy there.  I know easier said than done...But the words replay over and over when worry tries to creep into my thinking.

Glad you feel better.

Kate

[Patti]

k-thanks for the invitation!  so sweet!  for now i am ok.  you must be busy with three girls-i shouldn't complain.  the first thing i did yesterday was to clean the bathroom we all use and rid it of the 1/4 empty bottles of beauty stuff they left behind!  today i am thoroughly cleaning their rooms.  i do miss them but i love a clean house and haven't had it meet my standards in years.  i made the mistake ( i think) of not cleaning their rooms or doing their laundry in many years hoping they would keep their rooms clean but they didn't mind the mess so i just closed the doors. 

kate-i will put my energies to better things. thanks for the advice.  i need to hear it every day!

btw- i had such intense face sensations in the middle of the night.  they really keep me from sleeping. 

i am happy to have this unique group to vent to.  i have great friends and family but no one really gets it.  thanks everyone.  patti

[MAlegant]

Hi Patti,
I'm also an empty-nester, though my son is entering his 3rd year of college.  He spent his second summer at home, working, but we know he won't come home anymore except to visit.  (Or to move back in with us after college as so many do!)  I went through a brief period of depression in the beginning--how can you not?  You raise them for 18 or so years and then off they go.  It felt like a part of me was missing.  Two years later, he is so happy at school, and I am happy for him and pleased with myself for helping him to become a great young adult. 

You will get over the depression, but then you have to decide what to do in this, your next phase of life. You could go back to school, get a job, do community service, so many things.  Have some confidence in yourself; you've got to be pretty sharp to raise two kids and send them off to college.
Best,
Marci