feeling guilty...

[scarriegirl]

just called into work tonight for the first time.  usually i just suck it up and go anyway, but tonight i am just to tired.  i feel like i got hit by a truck...my joints ache and i had nightmares last night of being stuck in deep snow and not being able to pick my legs up.  tinnitus is SCREAMING in my an ear and numbness is worse than ever.  new symptom of eye twitching started last night too...yay!  feels like a tennis ball is in my ear.  just couldnt bear the thought of getting on the train and going to work till 2am.  (i bartend 3 nights a week)  but i feel guilty for using the "tumor excuse"  i am feeling really sick today, but not all days are so bad.  my boss is extremely understanding and cool...but i NEVER call in.  yuk.  hate having the guilts!  hate feeling sick in a bar full of people more though!  can't wait to be on the other side of all this. 

thats my rant of the day!!!!

xx
carrie

[lori67]

Carrie,

Don't feel guilty!  You deserve to take a break every now and then, and I'm sure you needed it.  They'll survive without you for a night!

Now, if your boss is the one in the picture you posted, I don't think I would have called in sick!  I could easily work with him (or her) as a boss!

Lori

[scarriegirl]

thanks lori!
that pic is from june in jamiaca the day before i was married!!  dolphins are so amazing!!!  my husband and i are going to have a "do-over" wedding after i have recovered somewhat.  we were married on the summer solstice, so we may have another wedding on the winter solstice....probably not in jamaica again although i wish we could!!!  i want to be a newlywed tumor free!! not fair to be diagnosed a month after being married...  

xx
carrie

[Jim Scott]

Carrie;

While I admire your work ethic, I think you need to cut yourself some slack here.  Although I'm retired now and was when my AN was discovered, I worked for 45 years, 25 of them in a fairly demanding job as a radio disc jockey.  I was expected to sound bright and cheery no matter how I actually felt.  Like you, I used to dread ever having to 'call in sick' and, also like you, I almost never did.  So, I can empathize with your guilt feelings.  However, my wife used to admonish me for feeling guilty if I had to take a day off because of some illness (which was rare - I was in very good health most of my life).  I finally realized that as long as I didn't abuse my 'sick days' and was honest about any 'sick' excuses, I had every right to 'call in sick'.  So do you. 

As any good boss will tell you, even if you do come in, you aren't much use to them if you're too sick to do your job.  From your post, it appears as if you really were too sick to do your job in a busy, noisy bar.  You obviously needed the night off.  I think your boss is so understanding because he realizes you aren't a slacker who calls in sick every time you have a hangnail or something.  That speaks well to your integrity and your relationship with your boss.  I would lose the guilt and try to feel better. 

By the way, I like the dolphin photo, too.  Too bad we see more dolphin in it than we can see of you. 

Jim

[mindyandy]

Carrie
Dont feel guilty....Everybody needs to take a day to themselves....LOL. How big is your AN? I'm glad to hear that you have a scheduled date . Take Care and stop feeling so GUILTY!!!!

[lori67]

Hey Carrie - I got married in Jamaica too!   

Lori

[scarriegirl]

well lori, i guess we have more than one thing in common! jamaica is an amazing place!! 

and i'm feeling less guilty as i realized staying home means i can watch the new house, and the premiere of svu and (oh shame ) 90210!  terrific tv night my tumor chose to act up on!!  maybe it's smarter than i thought

[lori67]

Oh, okay, so the truth comes out... you weren't really feeling sick - you just didn't want to miss 90210!   

I would have done the same this Thursday if I had to work - wouldn't want to miss Survivor or Grey's Anatomy!

Lori

[Nancy Drew]

Hi Carrie,

I will say ditto to what all have said here about losing the guilt.  Mental health days are well earned.  Take care of you!!!  I can relate to the achy joints and nightmares.  My joints hurt every night it seems, and I am sure it is all of the stress I have carried around the whole day in association with worrying about this AN along with having to deal with bothersome symptoms.  My nightmares usually consist of being trapped in the GK machine . . . I'm in there, all of the doctors die, and I'm stuck in that machine forever . . . Or, I'm in the GK machine and the whole team goes out for a long lunch  . . .  The nightmares get pretty weird sometimes.  I actually ended up going to see the nurse at the GK center, and she told me a lot of patients have those very same nightmares.  I thought my mind was being creative!!!  I am so sorry to hear that you didn't get much "honeymoon" time before you found out you have the AN.  You will definitely have to take a second honeymoon AN free, and you might want to stay away from the tennis courts for awhile!!!

Jim,

Finally you reveal yourself!!!  My husband was a radio DJ while in college.  I listened to him every morning for two years before I met him.  Took me awhile to put two and two together before I realized it was him.  What format did you do?  My husband did a little bit of everything!

Take care, Carrie . . . BREATHE

[leapyrtwins]

Carrie -

don't feel guilty.  Everyone is entitled to a little "me" time - even if it sometimes interferes with their day job - or night job, whichever the case may be

Be good to yourself and do what you need to do to keep yourself mentally healthy.  Being diagnosed with an AN and then making a treatment decision is definitely stressful.

Jan

[wendysig]

Carrie,
Taking a mental health day is actually a positive thing.  You need to take good care of yourself right now and there's no reason to feel at all guilty.  Sometimes we all just need time for ourselves, especially at times like this.  I hope you enjoyed playing hookey and 90210!

Wendy

[tenai98]

A day off sounds great...Fortunately my boss was unable to book me for tomorrow night so I get to see the new season of Grey's Anatomy...yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa   But then again I just went back to work this week...hehehehe...Always have summers off....

[scarriegirl]

well, i guess i really did need the night off...i just woke up and it's 11:30!!!

no nightmares last night...buy woke up earlier with my jammies soaked in sweat and freezing.  anyone else getting night sweats?  not everyday, but i get them a couple times a month...just started this summer.

xx
carrie

[Nancy Drew]

Carrie,

I have had the sweats with nightmares.  You look too young to be having hot flashes.  Might be a good questions for your doc--maybe hormone related (just a guess).  Glad to hear you got some sleep.  Your body usually tells you when you need to rest.

Nancy

[scarriegirl]

nancy...maybe i did have nightmares and was just too knocked out to know it!! i will ask my doc.   also i take zoloft and i think that may have something to do with the night sweats. 

jim, i think we should start a picture thread so we can all see eachother "face to face"  or show off or whatever...if one doesn't already exist...

it is nice to put faces to the names we are posting to.  if people are comfortable with that.  also i would be very reassured to see postop pics too so i know what to expect!! 

my "novacaine face" is horrible today!  i think i may have noticed an imbalance in my mouth while putting on lipstick today...but maybe i am also looking for something to be there.....this is so frustrating!!!!!

thank you all for being here to read and respond to my rants.  it is nice to have a place to put things out there that noone else can really understand. 

soon enough i will be on the other side and will be able to help others the way you all are helping me now.  i am so grateful.

phyl, i am 99% going to attend the brunch...my husband will most likely be out of town on tour...oh the trials of marrying a musician!!  but if he is i will drag my mom along as she has been a huge part of this journey....she brought me two pairs of jammies for my hospital stay today    looking forward to meeting you all!   and lori, we should schedule a jamaica brunch asap! 

xx
carrie