I Can't Forgive. I Need Advice...

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Your post really hit home with me. About 10 years ago, my best friend died of lupus complications. I went through the sickness with her and watching her die really affected me in a negative way. I am the type that doesn't have really close friends, always been that way, just a loner. Her illness and death was so hard. I made another friend a couple of years ago, and she was diagnosed with cancer about 6 months ago and had to move to another part of town because of finances (we were neighbors). She had great family support, but I wonder now if she needed me more than I knew? She died yesterday and even before I read your post, I have been feeling guilty for not being there for her more than I was. I just couldn't watch someone else die right in front of me again. Before she got sick, we had talked about how hard it was to watch my other friend die, though, and I pray she understood. After talking to her daughter, I think she did because she didn't tell me how bad the diagnosis was. We talked about every other day on the phone, but I just couldn't physically "watch" her die. Perhaps I would have been there more if she had no other support. I think I would have, but don't know. Doesn't mean, though, that she didn't need me. Now I have to work on forgiving myself and part of that will begin when I go to the funeral. Please don't hate me for being like your cousin.

Perhaps your cousin just couldn't handle it. Try to forgive, if you can, as holding a grudge can become a cancer for you.

[ppearl214]

Cathy,

It's a shame the thread for the link below is in 'Archives" and I may ask to have it moved to this forum... about that leave our lives in time of need.....

http://anausa.org/forum/index.php?topic=966.0


6 pages of suggestions, rants, feedback, love and support.  Like you, I experienced it a few years ago... and even to today... and it may be worth a read as many that contributed to the thread give some wonderful insight, brutal honesty and support.

Just a thought. Please hang in there.... and know we are all here for you.

xo
Phyl

[JulieE]

Cathy, I am coming in here after the fact, being you didn't go, but it still sounds like you had a positive/productive day. I agree with the previous posts about feeling hurt, but want to add that we simply cannot get inside other peoples brains (although someone's been in ours - literally  )  I had two responses from friends which seemed cold or undramatic, but they were for two totally different reasons.  The first was a colleague who I hadn't spoke with for some time, and seemed indifferent.  I got a call from her 10 days after surgery inquiring of my health and apologizing profusely for "writing you off" because from what she thought brain surgery meant inevitable death (even I had images of Lee Atwatyer prior to dx).  She had begun separating herself mentally from me as a defensive technique until 7 days after surgery when her husband had to have brain surgery!  (malignent, but he is doing great.)  It took that event for her to realize technology and doctors proficiency had come a long way, and we should think differently.  I  had lunch with another friend who was shocked to hear of my trials after surgery, and confided it didn't register with her because 1) I had downplayed it, and 2) she figured "It's Julie - she'll sail though this". 
The important part is communication to get though the misconcepts, and often we have to take the first step; and then realizing forgiveness is what it's all about.  I hope enough time has passed to heal your heart, but don't wait so long it hardens?!, and you can do lunch soon. 
Kind Regards to Animal Lovers,
Jules

[yardtick]

Thanks Phyl for bumping the thread forward.  It brought back a lot of memories, because my very first posting is in there.  It is amazing how heart wrenching it is when we feel abandoned by our friends and family.  I'm going through a major issue at the moment with my cousin.  As couples we were going to go on a cruise to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary.  After a lot of gentle prompting from my husband and a tremendous amount of thought I decided against it.  As many of you know I suffer from facial pain, headaches and dizziness.  My husband really wanted to just go to an island and relax.  So I started looking on line and than Louie and I decided to book.  I made a huge mistake in not telling my cousin what we decided to do.  She's devastated and I get that, but I've apologized and bared my soul to her.  Now she will not forgive me.

Our sons share the same birthday.  Her son Ryan was 22 yesterday and my son Anthony was 19.  She had a gathering last night and of course we were invited.  She ignored me most of the evening and when I did try to make conversation with her she was very, very cold and miserable towards me.  Her husband told my husband at my girlfriend's 50th birhtday party that Teresa feels like I pulled the rug out from under her and I've pushed her a side.  Louie explained to him about my health issues and his concern about me really enjoying a cruise.  Louie also apologized.  After last evening I now know she probably will not forgive me.  The funny thing is another couple (my youngest son's Godparents) were also going to go on the cruise with us, but when I called them told them how we've changed our minds and booked an island instead,and the reason why, she was so happy for us.  We extended the invitation to everyone, but because of work schedules that isn't going to work.

My heart is broken, I love Teresa.  As families we have done so much together.  As a friend she also knows what the past few years have been like for me.  I am a very giving, compassionate, loyal person.  She has always been included in all of my gathers, even with my in-laws and gosh they are a treat.  She has friends that she has know for years and has never included me when she has had parties and get togethers with them.  I've never complained.  I brought her into all of my circles of friends without any hesitation.  It wouldn't be normal if she wasn't included.  My broken heart will mend, but I will never forget my side of this.  As someone said, people come and go in our lives for a reason. 

Cathy you are a survivor, just like everyone on this forum.  We do what we have to do to get through.  I'm looking it at a loss for the other person, because they are missing out on our friendship, and all that we have to offer them.   Life goes on.......a bit painful at times but it certainly goes on.

Anne Marie

[Sue]

I think this is all about communicating, too.  She didn't realize the severity of your surgery as you downplayed it a bit, and maybe she felt like you didn't confide your fears to her, and so felt left out somehow.  And then, she probably is one of those that doesn't handle this kind of thing well and perhaps she just doesn't know how to deal with the fact that you had surgery on your head!  Is it possible to have a quiet talk with your cousin and say, "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you more about what was going on with me and my illness.  I was scared and down played the enormity of it all.  And then when you didn't express concern for me, I was hurt.  I feel a barrier between us now and I don't want that.  Can we talk about this?"  Or words to that effect.  You need to give her a chance to tell her side of the story.  Then you can decide if she is going to be a positive influence in your life and if your relationship can continue as it was, or if things have changed between you for good. Since she is a friend and a relative, it would be nice if you two could get back together. 

Crossing my fingers that this all works out for you and her,

Sue in Vancouver USA

[Syl]

Anne Marie:

You've done your best by explaining and apologizing to your cousin. Give her time. Meanwhile, take care of yourself. You don't need the stress and hardship that a rocky relationship can add to all that your are already going through.

Syl

[Jim Scott]

Ann Marie ~

I always find it sad when relatives become cold, hard and unforgiving over relatively minor issues, like your not going on a cruise with your cousin.  Really.  How serious is something like that?  Frankly, I just feel pity for those who are so self-centered and petty as to make some perceived slight a rationale for cutting you dead.  However, this is clearly hurtful to you and it may well be a case of mis-communication, but then, from what you posted, it appears as if you and your husband practically groveled to your cousin, explained the situation (your health issues), apologized profusely and still, she's decided to be angry, no matter what.  From your account of your history with this woman, it appears to be a one-sided 'relationship' and while I agree with Sue that it's 'nice' to have cordial relations with family, sometimes we have to face the reality of who these people really are and what the relationship really is, rather than what we would like it to be.  In this case, the cousin appears to be determined to play the victim with you as the 'villain'.  If this split is truly important to you, as it seems to be, then I would seriously consider attempting to talk it out and explain - not just why you canceled the cruise, but why you did so without informing her of your plans, first, which, I suspect, is the real source of her animus toward you, although I'm speculating and of course, could be mistaken.  If she won't talk to you civilly, perhaps a letter might be a better tactic.  In any case, I'm sorry to learn of your anguish over this unfortunate incident and hope it can be either remedied or surmounted in some way.

Jim

[yardtick]

Thank you Syl, Sue and Jim for your support.  Jim, you always amaze me with your thoughtful words.  Life is life and it is to be lived and enjoyed.  I am going to step back now from my cousin.  I will always welcome her and her family in my life.  Jim you are so right about Louie and I grovelling.  We've laid our cards out on the table.  She told me in a telephone conversation a few weeks ago, that we are relationship is stronger than this and we will be able to raise above it.  I am now moving forward.  My beloved husband and my four handsome sons are the most important thing to me, other than my health.  It was because of my health, my husband urged me to really think about the cruise. 

By the way we leave three weeks tomorrow for the Dominican Republic.  I'm so excited.  A whole week of just Louie and I.  No cooking, laundry or housework.  I'm not even going to think about what the house is going to look like.......

Cathy, since you and your cousin and my cousin and I aren't doing to well, do want to be my cousin?  We all ready have amazing friendship on the forum, I think we can be great relatives!   
Hang in there girlfriend, we have so much more life to live and so much more of ourselves to give.

Anne Marie

[Dog Lover]

Anne Marie

Cathy, since you and your cousin and my cousin and I aren't doing to well, do want to be my cousin?  We all ready have amazing friendship on the forum, I think we can be great relatives!

Hooray!! I have a new cousin!! Not only that, but you understand. 

I guess at least my cousin has made an effort to contact me and include me. Haven't heard a peep from my brother or his family. 
Lots of things to think about. Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

My goodness - it's not like we didn't go through enough already and then have to deal with this kind of crap? 

Cathy

[Dog Lover]

Microsoftfree

Please don't hate me for being like your cousin.

OMG. You can't think like that!!! I have a hard time thinking that anyone could or would hate anyone over something like this. For me, just an intense feeling of being hurt.

And another thought for you...there are more ways to be supportive than to just be there in person to hear of all of their thoughts and what not. There is also the kind of support that you gave -- talking to her regularly on the phone, giving her a chance to just be normal...forget about her health problems and just have a friend to talk to. I'm betting you were more support than you give yourself credit for. Seriously.

Cathy

[microsoftfree]

Thank you for that, Cathy. I went to the service last night and realized that very few people knew how bad she was. Gave me a degree of comfort for not being physically present. She donated her body to science in hopes that some progress could be made in cancer research. May she rest in peace.

Anne Marie, always take care of yourself first...otherwise, you won't be available for your family and they need you.

[yardtick]

Hey cousin Cathy, how are you? 

Wise words Microsoftfree!! 

Anne Marie

[klangel]

yeah good advise from all! i worked for a total of  19 years for my cousins florist shop and ha i saw him and his cheating wife through some rough times.well long story short, they only called me once after my 18 and a half hour surgery where everything that could possibly go wrong did and that was to say we need to know if and when you're coming back to work because we need to make the schedule! been 4 years and i havent heard from them since! ofcourse i never got to go back to work. am really disabled now but boy that hurt alot! i always believed we were very close. i cant say that i forgive them but i dont let it hurt me anymore. i kinda feel like they no longer exist and the only thing i miss there now is the job.(i was head floral designer)guess when you have a life threatening medical condition that folks dont understand you need to grow callous on your emotions. we all have enough to deal with in that department without adding to it by letting anyone make us even sadder and more depressed. there are always more folks in the world who will love you for who you are rather than who you were and though not many understand there are still those who will try like your other 2 cousins. so dont harbor unforgiveness  just have no feelings at all toward that person because if they really cared they would try instead of doing nothing. p.s. they never even sent me flowers!

[yardtick]

So sorry you had to go through all of that crap with your cousin and his wife.  You are right about not "habouring unforgiveness".  I think with my Catholic up bringing, the guilt would eat me alive.  I need to sleep at night.  The nerve of them, not sending you flowers!!!  They probably couldn't arrange the flowers as beautifully as you and were too embarrassed

Anne Marie

[Dog Lover]

Yeah, that's a good way to describe it. Don't know if I forgive (yet anyway) but I also don't really dwell on it - well, unless something like the backhanded invite last week.

Cousin Anne Marie - I was raised Catholic, too. Boy the guilt never really goes away, does it?? LOL...

Cathy