When others in your life find out, do they leave your life?

[Patti UT]

thanks for the understanding and kind words Bruce.  I just looked over my post, guess I need to do a spell check to catch all my type errors. LOL
  There is a book I was given by a friend after my surgery called "small Miricles" little short stories of fate and faith.  One was about a little ole blind lady trying to cross a busy street. She waited until someone offered to help her across. While walking across, she discovered the man holding her arm helping her was also blind. It told  how right when you need it, God will send you a "twin". I often thought the woman who came to my aid was my God Sent Twin.  Time for me to be hers as she faces 2 new tumors.  God Bless her. And all of you on this forum.

patti UT

[Kathleen_Mc]

Hi,
I find at work people can very cruel.  I found out I had AN Oct 2006 after surgery.  I still get unbearable headaches and some of my "young" (under 30) co-workers had a gay old time talking about me behind my back after I went home.  I was back to work 2 weeks after I had surgery, for me to go home I was in an extreme amount of pain.  I still need another surgery with a nerve graft.  This is a great support joining this siteand informative!!
Anne Marie (Yardtick)
P.S. Anyone from the Toronto Canada area?

I'm from Toronto. What nerve grafting are you having done? I have had a 7 to 12 as well as nerve taken from my leg used to repair my face? Who is doing this surgery?
Kathleen

[yardtick]

Hi Kathleen,

I'm seeing Dr Rutka at Toronto General.  I have a facial neuroma. 

How long was your surgery?  How are you doing?

Anne Marie

[Kathleen_Mc]

Hi Kathleen,

I'm seeing Dr Rutka at Toronto General.  I have a facial neuroma. 

How long was your surgery?  How are you doing?

Anne Marie

Anne Marie: do you mean my first AN surgery? That was 15 or 16 hours and that was 18 years ago...... the surgery for the regrowth was only 5 hours (I think) and that was  3 years ago......
Kathleen

[Keeping Up]

Wow - a lot of Toronto area women on this board.

Interesting - I left a post for 'AMD' because she shares my initials - Kathleen Mc - you share the name and obviously similar last name (Mc) to my eldest.  I do think you find similarities in the oddest places.

Kathleen - where was your surgery, ENT, neurosurgeon - it appears a few of the other gals all go to the same ENT practice as me (TGH). 

*** on topic though, can't imagine anyone in my family leaving my life.  I am sure my husband wants it gone gone gone so he would never need to hear about it or have to deal with hospitals - but obviously, that isn't going to happen

[ppearl214]

one of the people I noted in the beginning of this thread tried to contact me....  I couldn't do it... I couldn't respond back. Is is fair of me to hold a "grudge" on this, after so long a time period or to try to find the goodness in one and let it go?

thoughts? Is it wrong of me to continue to hold the grudge after so long?  I don't know if there is a true motive for her to try to reach me, other than to try to help cleanse her own soul/erase the self-guilt for treating me like she did....

I dunno.

Phyl

[nancyann]

Well Phyl,  this person's behavior was bad enough to have caused the strife.  So, do you want this person back in your life ?
Do you think it would be positive for you ?  I have held grudges with a few, & would not want them in my life because of the
behavior,  it just wouldn't be healthy for me - & keeping the grudge doesn't eat at me at all,  I know it's the right decision.

Just give it a little thought, then decide.   You will do the right thing for you.

Always good thoughts,  Nancy

[Jim Scott]

One of the people I noted in the beginning of this thread tried to contact me....  I couldn't do it... I couldn't respond back.  Is is fair of me to hold a "grudge" on this, after so long a time period or to try to find the goodness in one and let it go?

Thoughts?  Is it wrong of me to continue to hold the grudge after so long?  I don't know if there is a true motive for her to try to reach me, other than to try to help cleanse her own soul/erase the self-guilt for treating me like she did....    I dunno.

Phyl ~

Well, since you asked....of course you should let 'it' go but that doesn't mean you have to be this person's best friend, either.  Simply being civil and polite (no snide remarks) is sufficient as a response.  No need to say how much you missed them (unless you really did, which I doubt).  Just that you hope they are well, etc.  Any attempt by the person in question to re-open old 'wounds' should be cut off with the comment 'that was then, this is now' - and you don't intend to go back there.  Be honest but do so with grace and civility, retaining control of the situation and not allowing this person to use your response as an opening to rehash old stuff or attempt to pretend it never happened and that you're both friends.  You're acquaintances, at best and while I don't recommend dragging out old hurts, I don't expect you - or anyone in this kind of situation - to pretend to be this person's buddy and confidant.  Keep it concise and civil, no more.

Jim

[EJTampa]

Wow.  How do I answer this one?  And to Phyl, no less.
 
Sometimes, people learn too late that the path they were taking was not the one that leads to where they wanted to go.  The path was the easy one, all down hill, no sharp turns.  After a long while, they realize their mistake and turn around.  Guess what.  The path now is all uphill, with no alternate paths available.  One of the uphill battles is having the courage to reach out to people who you (they) have hurt in the past.  Yes, part of the motive may be to make themselves feel more at peace, but perhaps it's more than that.  They can't make the journey back to the right path without re-tracing their previous path.
 
Phyl, maybe trying to put yourself in their shoes would help?  Reach out to them and offer support and understanding.  Forgive them for the past, and see what happens from there.  At least then you will know you did what you could to reconcile.  If you don't give them a chance, will you end up regretting it later, wondering if maybe you should have tried?
 
Ernie

[ppearl214]

NancyAnn , Jim and Ernie... truly.. thank you.  Each one of you providing very appreciated insight.  I have to give this thought...

thank you again!
Phyl

[Larry]

I listened to a stress management person a little while ago and she provided a terrific example.

She referenced road rage and if someone cuts youoff or takes your park when you were first or doesn't like something you did, rather than acknowledge the swearing that they will do to you, respond by waving and saying "have a great day".

i did this the other day when a very angry guy tried to take my park and he swore black and blue at me. As it turns out he got a park nearby anyway and as we both approached the shop front he started yelling at me saying he's been driving around for 20 minutes etc etc (I'll exclude the words that would otherwise be censored). he was angry. Sio i responded in a calm voice and just told him that life is too short, enjoy the rest of the day there is so much to look forward to.

Granted it won't work all the time but if you are calm back, the other party will stop their ranting.

I guess Phyl, I'm saying, be at peace with yourself, try and make contact and move forward. All posties on this site have had past issues that we wouldn't like to go through again - we all need to look forward coz life is too short. Take the stress away from yourself.

Laz

[JudyT]

I haven't been on this thread in a while....it is a good one. I think this issue is prevalent in all of our lives at somepoint. It's sad,lonely..........very difficult. I have a mix of people that behave in similar ways....some are family, some are friends......some aquaintences etc. The ones I expected to "be there" aren't....ones I never expected are. Yesterday, I was blessed with special blessings. My neighbor of 38 years ( we live on acerage...in the country)called to say he hadn't seen me out for a few days..."was I okay?"( he lost his wife last year and suffers from serious heart ailment) I replied no I'm not. He got in his car....picked up my mail of 4 days and drove to a nearby smoothie place then drove to my home and delivered the stuff, carrying his oxygen bottle, in the hope it would help. It did....his caring was special. His ailments are far more serious than mine. When my husband died suddenly 14 years ago,he and his wife had 2 fried chikens,macaroni salad and a cake here in 2 hours. He has come to my aid sooooo many times to fix things, let me hook up to his water when my pump failed.....he has always been a gentleman....never infringing on neigbor to neighbor relationship. A friends husband is coming today to prune my roses....( suffering from severe back pain and complications himself) and another woman friend stopped by just to chat in the evening and see how I was doing. A VERY blessed day. Those that one wouldn't seem to care DO....those that one would expect to care DON"T. Sometimes it is shocking to see how self absorbed people are. It's my feeling that it is their issues that bind them to their behavior. We are so fortunately blessed to have this site and the love and sharing that goes on here. As Larry posted.....Life IS to short to waste 1 minute on anger..........Judy

[nancyann]

AMEN.

[bridgie]

Thank you for this post Phyl. Like you and everyone else here, I've been intrigued by this topic for along time. Really since my first cranial surgery happened and various family and so-called friends shifted their relationship away from me ----all while I desperately attempted to get to know the new me, making it doubly scary. I get it wasn't pretty and a bit traumatic to watch. Maybe its a bit like rubber necking on the road where folks want to know what up but don't exacty want to be involved in the wreckage and clean up. Its been full of disappointments for sure. Its ugly to find out 'our people' don't exactly care to invest what it takes to also get to know the new us. The mortality thing is certainly a factor. And maybe this economic crisis will soften some edges and help towards relationship building. I read somewhere we all are walking on a tightrope and a few of us are forced to look down! Perhaps its too scary to look down if you don't have to!

Its now been about 5 years since my initial crisis. (4 craniotomies in 7 months) At the point everything was so raw this issue was a really big deal and painful to me. Today I'm not bitter or full of grief like I was. A lot of healing has gone on. Still, I'm permanently changed by the experience. I've been forced to try to make sense of my own pain and now more easily connect and understand others pain whatever that might be.

At one point I was faced with re-kindling with a group of woman who seemed to consciously shift away from me during my crisis. In our reentry into one anothers lives I did not shame or blame for the past indifferences and made a real effort to re-connect. Unfortunately, I beleive because this group of individuals had not taken time to get to know the "new me" (deaf, chronic pain, less active at times) more then superficialy they made the mistake of categorizing me as a hyperchondriac etc. Oddly I did not discuss my health but of course I would have to ask them to repeat in a noisy restaurant etc. I believe this gave 'em an excuse or took them off the hook during the original situation. Its now been a year since I re-let go of this group of women I've known for 20 years.

Its not all sad. Out of ashes.....I've rebuilt my support network.

(I've gotta go, cont later)

[Jill Marie]

Hi Bridgie,  I and I'm sure almost everyone else on this board can identify with what you have gone through.  When you mentioned getting to know the new me, it really hit home.   When I came home from the hospital my husband not being sure what to bring with us brought everything from the bowl I threw up in to the hanger & garmet bag I put my clothes in before surgery.  About a month after my surgery when no one was home I went into the spare bedroom where he put everything from my surgery and started going through things.  I had a cast on my leg from another surgery and was limited in what I could do so I decided to clean up the room.  I soon found myself in tears as I broke/busted into small pieces everything from the hospital, last but not least I tore/cut up the garmet bag.  That is where I hung up the old me, it was like burying the old me.  Since then I have built a new me and as you say, I'm  permanently changed.  One of the bright spots as you have discovered is that we are more compassionate towards others. 

I often wonder what I would be like if not for the surgery.  How much of my personality has changed because of it and how much because I'm older.  There are so many other major factors in my life that have influenced me too! 

As for the others in your life, those that truly care will continue to be in your life no matter what happens to you.   Some may falter for a while until they figure out how to deal with their feelings about what has happened to you but then they will be there for you.  Those that can't understand what you have gone through can be replaced with those that can.  Post more when you can, Jill