I Can't Forgive. I Need Advice...

[yardtick]

Cousin Cathy,

Nope the guilt NEVER goes away!!!!  Maybe that is a good thing in the entire scheme of things. 

Anne Marie

[LisaP]

Hi,

When I was dx in March 31 of 08, I told a good friend of mineof 20 years, about my dx, she told me that she would be right over to see me.  Well today, is Sunday, March 29th 2009 and I'm still waiting.

The bottom line for me is when my brother was dying the same time I was dealing with my AN, I found out very quickly who was there for me and who was not.  I once saw a movie (wish I could remember the title) where the character said, "People continue to surpise me", the other character responded by saying "really, they continue to scare the hell out of me".

I have discovered that dealing with my AN, I am blessed with a wonderful husband, three great children, my parents, a couple of my siblings, a few close friends and a few close co-workers.  What else gives me strength is each day I start with a prayer, each night I say goodnight to may brothers picture.

Keep the failth,

LisaP

[Dog Lover]

What else gives me strength is each day I start with a prayer, each night I say goodnight to may brothers picture.

  ohhh...that brought tears to my eyes... 

Lisa, I'm so sorry that you had to deal with your brother's death in addition to all of the other stuff associated with your AN.

If you need some more supportive relatives, I'm sure Ann Marie and I could become YOUR cousins, too. 

Cathy

[Roger64]

Sorry for your troubles, I feel for you I have the same problems with my parents and brothers they never asked how I was doing or even come to visit before or after my surgery they didn't even send a card. But, I now I can't work things out with my father because before we got past the issue he had a major heart attack and passed away a couple of weeks ago. This has now put a bigger wedge between me and one of my brothers and my mother. So, I don't know if I can give you any advice other than this in your heart forgive them totally. But, remember you do not have to put yourself into the situation again you have the choice to leave them alone or accept them again.

 I would also add that some people can't handle bad news like this and would rather deny it then deal with it.

Anyway, good luck!

In your service
Roger

[klangel]

wow this forum never ceases to amaze me! i feel un-alone when i read that so many of you have had or continue to have the same issues ...even down to the reactions of others. it really makes me feel saner and a little less down  on myself for the mean person i feel ive become. makes me even angrier that ana wont let me start a support group in my area though. i really think it would help so much ...not just for me but for others and possibly those family members who cant or wont deal. for now im sad all you guys have the same bad issues i do but im happy im not alone. kinda a double edged sword. thanx though for being here. guess we all gotta just keep on trying the best we know how.

[saralynn143]

makes me even angrier that ana wont let me start a support group in my area though. i really think it would help so much ...

Can you schedule a group lunch with people from your area and perhaps build on that? You wouldn't have to be an officially sanctioned support group affiliated with the ANA, but I don't see how they could stop you from getting together with anyone you want to.

Sara

[klangel]

hey sara, yeah id really like to do something like that. i'm just not sure how to find the ANers or vestibularly disturbed folks in my area. i thought ana would help me do that but they wont. maybe i have to take an ad in the paper or something. it might work now that the weather is getting nicer. i live in a very rural area on the side of a mountain but i am not too far from a city. thanx for the advice.  kerri

[Dantheman]

Cathy,

I totally understand your situation. I've had the same issues with my older sister. I have forgiven but unfortunatly I cannot forget.
I think she sometimes believes that my brain surgery was equal to having an ingrown toenail removed! Perhaps one day she and I will be on better terms...but in the mean time I can only pray to God to have mercy on me for my "grudge", because I cannot forget.

Dan

[Syl]

Dan:

Holding a grudge can eat at you from the inside. Please don't let it do that to you. I think I posted earlier that maybe it's for the best, actually I'm grateful, that those who don't want to help or don't care just stay out of my way and let the rest of us do what needs to be done to help me recover.

Syl

[CROOKEDSMILE]

Well,
We had a big group of pals that did everything together for the last 10 years. Dinner parties, travel, playdates for our children, wine tastings, lake outings, spend the night party's for the girls (big girls/mommy's), the guys were fraternity brothers in college, etc.........We were all buddies from our college days and were in contact on a weekly basis for the last 10 years. After my surgery I never heard from a single one of them and I am talking probably 20 people. Not a get well card, not a phone call, NOTHING! Talk about losing alot of close friends fast. We still don't understand it and have since moved on and made new friends. It was truly amazing and mind boggling. It made me very angry at first then I finally said......to hell with them. I don't waste my time or energy worrying about them because it won't change people's ways. I see it as a blessing in disguise because it forced us to go outside of our comfort zone with our "clique" to find new friends who we thoroughly enjoy just as much! My advice to you as harsh as it may seem is.......move on. You deserve better and there are alot of people in your life that do care and spend time with those folks and leave the selfish, self-absorbed friends/family alone! It worked for me when I lost my entire group of friends that I had for 10 years. Life goes on!
Angie

[JudyT]

What a great dialogue.....After 13+ years of this dilema I have come to believe it is really about them not me. They must have deep seated inability to deal with reality. Why else would a person reject a person/family member? If they don't see you,talk to you they don't have to deal with it. Rejection is the worst emotion there is. The next morning after by husbands sudden death I was out watering his garden and my best ever friend ,who was with me, came out to the garden. She was with me out of love for him and me. I said to her that I got the better of the two events in our lives that devastated us. She was rejected by a husband for another woman....my husband left me because he died....I felt no rejection just sadness. She looked at me with such compassion and love and thanked me. It was true.....she had suffered more than me. Rejection is a terrible offensive feeling. I feel it's not about forgiveness.......it's about the person's inability to deal with their issues not yours. Two weeks after his death I had no social life at all...........they just left...some were friends of some 30 years. They didn't know how to deal with me.....still can't. That's about them not me. I have come to know their shallowness is their issue not mine. I have two wonderful attentive sons, great new friends and a life. They are the same as they were then. I can see them and be friendly and pleasant while they squirm for reasons I am unsure of. Pity is all I feel for them. Same goes for my AN situation.....if some don't get it so be it. No forgiveness necessary.....that's who they are. Someday they will suffer for their behavior and reap the grief upon themselves. I don't allow myself to get caught up in the behavior of others in relationship to me. I just move on behaving, I hope in a responsive way to their circumstances with compassion and understanding. I must answer for MY behavior not that of others.....if I behave in like manner then I am no better than them. I choose not to put myself in circumstances that I know will cause me pain and suffering......but try to react appropriately, like I want to be treated and move forward. If they don't respond....so be it.
It's very hard sometimes to make the move but I am now able to do it because I know and believe there are more wonderful people out there....than there are self oriented and selfish....that are more than willing to give of themselves to help me pass through tough times. You are all here and I am sincerely greatful you are. Such a blessing I have received from people that I have never met yet feel so close to. Ask for help, understanding, prayer, input, understanding and so much more and you receive it......with compassion and speedy response. What more could one ask for.......nothing. God bless each one!
Judy

[Dog Lover]

Wow. Well said. 

Cathy

[klangel]

know what guys? it is really about them and not us. my mom told me more than once "there are many fish in the sea" when i was heartbroken over a bad realationship. i didnt really fully understand that until my AN. she died in 2000 so never even got to know that i had brain surgery or any of this mess. i sure wish she was here so i could tell her i know what she meant. i think you get to know who the "real" caring individuals in your life are when something like this happens. its good in a way like cleaning house to make room for all the other wonderful "fish" that come your way!

[Dog Lover]

You know what? I got invited for another cousin outing last weekend and I went. Not that I really was thrilled or wanted to go, but I figured that if I don't start going they're going to quit inviting me. So, I went. And to be fair, she has reached out to me a few times, admitedly for the outings, but I went. And I had a good time. I kept it rather short (4 hrs), we toured a historic mansion in the area and went out to lunch and then I had to take off to go to a florist with my daughter to talk wedding flowers. But....I went.

There were 4 of us, so it wasn't like it was just her to talk to. But, I'm glad I went. She still hasn't talked to me directly about it, and from what I've heard, she didn't think that my surgery was supposed to be a big deal (probalby my fault - I intentionly did that because if my mom would have known how serious it was I don't think she would have been able to handle it). So, I forsee that things will improve as time goes by. She has made an effort to reach out to me and maybe that's how she can handle it.

But my brother (and his whole family) on the other hand...as you say, Cheri - their loss.

Thanks for your kind words.

Cathy

[Jim Scott]

Cathy ~

I think you've made a wise decision here.  Actually, I believe your formerly estranged cousin's attempt to 'reach out' via a group setting is a good way to initiate contact without it being too awkward for either of you.  The mansion tour and luncheon seems to have been adequate contact and not at all unpleasant.  So far, so good.  Frankly, If you downplayed your AN surgery (to spare your mother - a sensible decision) others will usually respond to it in a like manner, that is, without too much concern other than some tongue-clucking and furrowed brows.  I downplayed my surgery (to some) and the folks who received the information that way (acquaintances, mostly, not real friends) reacted with breezy good wishes and rarely ever mentioned it again, once I was out and about (about two weeks after my discharge from the hospital).  I would bet this is a common reaction if you downplay your situation.  Most folks don't really want to deal with other people's serious medical problems and soft-peddling AN surgery gives them an 'out' that almost all will take.  The folks I downplayed my surgery to later asked "so, you're O.K. now, right?"   I always answered in the affirmative - and that was pretty much the end of it as far as they (and I) were concerned. 

If you continue tol feel your brother and "his whole family" are still persona non grata with you, that is certainly your prerogative. 

Kind words are in good supply here, Cathy and Cheri has her fair share to spread around to those worthy of them. 

Jim