Debbie

[schmidtkat]

Soundy,

My heart goes out to you and your friend Debbie's family. What a tragic loss!

While I certainly do not have the right words for this situation, and I do not want to turn it into something about me ...  I will try to relate from past experience. At 13 I lost both of my parents in a car accident. My twin sister and I were with them and we were hit broadside by another driver. I recall many people afterwards struggling with the right words of comfort as well. At the time, it made me angry when someone would tell me they knew just how I felt or would try to tell me how to feel. My advice for you in this situation is to listen to the girls, let them tell you how they feel and what they need. Whatever they are feeling is okay and they made need reassurance from you to know this is a part of the grieving process.

It sounds like you are already thinking of their future without their mom. I think this can be a very good thing. Hold on to that. When many may move on, the girls will still need someone to think of those special times that their mom would have been there for them. While you certainly cannot replace Debbie, being able to express how proud she would have been of them or how much she would have enjoyed being a part of those special days can help them know how very much others still care and think of her too.

You are a special person to bring the needs of others to the AN family for support. Thoughts and prayers go out to you and Debbie's family!

Kathy

[Soundy]

?Yesterday the youngest just came up to me and hugged me ... I hugged her back and told her have a good day and she returned to her friends with a wave and a smile ... Chastity is not leaving for college for a couple weeks so they can get a plan of people helping get the girls out the door for school which she always did with Debbie leaving before the bus runs ... she is trying to kick Keekley into gear to get Leticia ready and not miss the bus ... I could help there if they lived closer ... the way it is in this rural area , we are about 10 miles east of the school and they are about 20 miles west ... so they are about 30 miles from us ...

Right now just taking cues from the girls ... Leticia has always been a bit shy at school even though I have known her since she was a year old  ... I see them daily and I am watching for anything that the youth minister could help with ...he is working on a degree in family counseling and will finish it in October ... I think he is the best bet to help the girls ... I worry most about Keeley who has a bad case of boys on the mild ... Debbie would keep her in check ... Tim is lost and numb ... with Chastity leaving soon  I hope that one of her grandmothers will step into Debbie's place of watching her and keeping her from harming herself through bad choices ... we can only pray ...

with all that said  , I think that with time they will be OK ... their life will never be the same and they will always miss Mom not I think they will be OK ...

Kathy , thanks for input ... someone who has been there can offer better advise than someone  who is just on the sidelines

[kraynok2]

Soundy,
   I just read this post, as I am trying to catch up.  I hope things are going ok since school has started.  I do know what it can be like, as I lost my father unexpectedly and my grandfather the same week during the first quarter of college, right before finals.  I feel for these girls and their dad.  You have been a terrific friend and comfort for them.  I will add them to my prayers.
Sandy

[Soundy]

Chastity is not going to school until mid October ...she is trying to make sure everyone has someone lined up to take care of them with her not there ... she has talked to several people and all have told her Debbie would want her to move on ... me and Debbie discussed her wanting her girls to have an easier life work wise than she did ... and now that a little shock has worn off she says she know she will need to fly the nest ...

[schmidtkat]

Hi Soundy,
Just checking in to see how things are going for you and Debbie's family. Thoughts and prayers coming your way ~ Kathy

[Soundy]

They are doing OK ... Chastity is leaving October 9th ... she has been doing some work on-line but needs to get in class ... I am hoping she sticks with it and doesn't come back until done ... an I love this girl to death have known her since she was about 5 ... I want her back but she needs the education ...

Leticia ... ( she has always been Tecia but has decided she is now a big girl and Leticia ) ... she is doing OK too ... she came in the book fair with money that her grandma gave her ... Debbie would usually take off a morning to bring the girls in and shop ... I walked her around and just let her talk ... she looks like her mom and I almost said "you look like your Momma " ...  but my brain caught up and made me replace "your Mom"  with  "Chastity" ... I helped her find some books and sent her off to class with a hug ...

Keeley , the 7th grader is the one I worry about most ... I talked to the youth minister of her church and they have been helping her some ... trying to guide her a little in the way she has been acting and dressing  ... she had been dressing inappropriately at school , but now is dressing like she should ... she is always smiling and has not cried ... she says she can't ... I wish she would just break down and cry and get it out ... Tim says she acts like she is mad at Debbie for leaving

so many prayers are still needed ...we have a prayer chain at church and have added the whole family to it ...

I can hardly go by the shoe department ... she was manager and I knew when I could stop by and chat ... kinda sad that we mostly talked at Walmart during her breaks but in this busy world you catch each other as you can ... I guess talkimg at Walamrt face to face is better than Face Book or eamil but now doesn't seem like it was enough even though I talked to her 2 or 3 times a week ....I miss her and it doesn't seem right seeing someone else in her place ....

gotta get to school and wrap up book fair ... we bought 3 books for the library in memory of Debbie ... she was a good mom and friend and a good help at anything at school where we needed an extra hand ...

[Jim Scott]

Soundy ~

Thanks for that informative and sensitive update.  The kids seem to be doing as well as can be expected, under the circumstances.  Keeley's seeming anger at her mom for 'leaving' her is quite common and not necessarily restricted to children.  It should pass .  Hopefully, without the girl putting her father and siblings through a lot of drama.

Our church family just lost a young (44) wife and mother to (brain) cancer.  She was absolutely inspiring.  Even though she knew her illness was terminal, this summer, when her husband offered her a trip to Europe, she declined it and went on a church mission trip to Africa, instead.  Fortunately, two of her children (from a previous marriage) are college age and the two boys are in high school, making it a bit easier on their grieving dad, who seems to be doing O.K., again, under the circumstances.  Lots of prayers for both families and all who suffer unexpected loss, as these families have.   

Jim