I feel dumb

[phx]

My original tumor was about 4 cm x 3cm. It's 15% less than that now. How I understood it was that most of what was taken out, was from my left ear, which has no more hearing in it. What is "Tx"?

It's not just my language that I don't speak well, I do it with English too. I think it's just how I process things because I do it with both languages. I do great expressing myself with my sentences half in English and half in my 1st langauge. I can talk, but I think most people who talk to me would say that I sound confused, or that my words seem out of order. I've been in situations where I've felt like people are surprised I'm even in Grad school, but of course they didn't know me before my tumor. This is the reason for me saying I don't look "intelligent" enough.

It's my second year in grad school, but only my 2nd semester. I'm loving all my classes though. I'm getting used to not having hearing in my left ear and I still have balance problems. I know it'll take time. So far, my GPAs good. My 1st semester in grad school, I was diagnosed with my tumor and I was a wreck by the end of it. Professors and classmates who knew my situation were understanding. I was given a choice of taking Incompletes for my classes, but I did everything I needed to because I had intentions of returning. My GPA then was at least a 3.5, if not better. So far I'm doing good in my classes right now. I don't do as well talking as I do writing. My points are more clear in writing even though it isn't one of my strong points either, but I'd rather write than talk now.

My plan for now is to wait and get another MRI in 6 months. I had radiation done in August and an MRI in October. Doctor said no noticeable changes yet, so I'm hoping there will be good news when I see him again. For now, I'm going to say that I know there will be good news! (self fulfilling prophecy- you gotta believe it for it to happen)

Thanks!

Phx

Hi PHX;

   You wrote: "I sound and look unintelligent because of the way I express myself. What can I do? I don't like feeling this way and I just wish I can be "normal", but I know that's never going to happen. Does that mean I should give up school? It's always been a dream of mine to finish because it's what I want to do. How can I overcome this? Thanks!"

   Seems you're being a little hard on yourself. What's your GPA? You must have a fairly large AN to affect you cognitively w/o Tx.
   Stay with it, please! Use the language which works best. If the school is English speaking, your English is primary ( to others ; ), and re, your second language most wouldn't notice a difference if they don't know the language. How does one "look unintelligent"?
   I completed 3 more years and 2 summers of Grad school with an NF-2 Dx. GPA: 3.45. It was not easy at all with chronic motion ( oscillopsia ) and loosing my hearing gradually.
   Not sure what the plan is for your tumor...

[Kaybo]

just curious - what is your 1st language?

K   

[Sue]

Please look over this article.  Our systems are wonderfully complex and one thing depends on another thing and that depends on this and that and the other!!  Possibly the problems you may be experiencing have nothing to do with hearing, but balance.  This is an interesting read and you might find it enlightening.  I'm sorry you are having problems.  I hope this all diminishes over time.  I bet it will.

Sue in Vancouver, USA


http://www.hearinglosshelp.com/articles/balancesystem.htm   

This is a small part of that article:

Unlikely as it seems, vestibular damage can cause memory problems. Here is why. When you damage your vestibular system, keeping your balance is now largely a conscious effort, not the automatic effortless procedure it once was. Consequently, those areas of your brain that you once just used for thought and memory, now must constantly work on keeping you balanced. As a result, your memory may suffer. You may grope for words when talking. You may easily forget what is being spoken about during a conversation. You may be easily distracted. You may have difficulty comprehending directions or instructions. You may have trouble concentrating and may feel disoriented at times.

[MamaGina]

I know exactly how you feel: I now have trouble comprehending verbal instructions and communication and I also have difficulty word-finding very frequently. Something I read helped to validate me: it is from Dr. Neil Bauman, Ph.D. At the Center for Hearing Loss Help. He wrote, "Unlikely as it seems, vestibular damage can cause memory problems. Here is why. When you damage your vestibular system, keeping your balance is now largely a conscious effort, not the automatic effortless procedure it once was. Consequently, those areas of your brain that you once used for thought and memory, now must constantly work on keeping you balanced. As a result, your memory may suffer. You may grope for words when talking. You may easily forget what is being spoken about during a conversation. You may be easily distracted. You may have difficulty comprehending directions or instructions. You may have trouble concentrating and may feel disoriented at times.".

[phx]

I read the article and IT IS SO ME! I am so happy to find something that validate's what I am feeling. Now I understand, but I'm kind of sad because now I'm wondering if I will ever be able to do what I want. Recently, I was pulled aside by one of my instructors. He expressed his concern for me. In one of my classes, I will have to do a lot of conceptualizing and applying what I'm reading. I'm reading, but to apply and conceptualize seems hard. I can't multitask like I use to. I worry because I plan on being a counselor someday. I won't be an effective one if I can't conceptualize well (or fast) because I tend to take more time processing things now-a-days. I put so much time into this and I'm already half way done. This is so depressing! I do well by myself and with papers, but I am not doing well with the discussion part of it (groups), mainly because I seem withdrawn. I don't share and talk as much as I used to. So now it seems, that this will be the downfall of me. Any suggestions? Thanks all!

PHX

[Sue]

I also find it interesting that one person will not read the posts of the previous person.      So, you got the information twice. 

Sue in Vancouver, USA

[sunfish]

It's tough when you think this AN problem could prove to be a threat to your chosen profession.  That's how I felt last summer.  I'm a psychologist - talking to people is my livelihood.  Also a college professor.  I actually got over my anxiety about the whole situation once I made the decision that I would simply keep moving forward, do my best, and make someone else raise my condition as an issue.  Well, that hasn't happened.  In fact, I began to notice all the support I had in my environment, and realized many of my fears were groundless.

I really, really struggle every day with my hearing, communication, and fatigue.  I know I'm more withdrawn in some settings than I used to be.  Here's some good news - recently, my symptoms have improved, abruptly and unexpectedly.  Symptoms being "wonkiy head," balance problems, and fatigue.  Along with my improvement, came much, much better energy.  I believe my unseen daily struggles with balance were draining my energy.

I think it's critical to do everything we can to optimize whatever hearing we have, especially in the social services/sciences.  I see my audiologist frequently,  and make sure my hearing aid is adjusted to the optimum levels.

PM me if you want, it seems like we have similar challenges in our lives.

[phx]

Seeing it twice is good. Shows that the info is very important to others too. Helps with me thinking that maybe I am making it bigger than it is. Thanks everyone!

I also find it interesting that one person will not read the posts of the previous person.      So, you got the information twice. 

Sue in Vancouver, USA

[phx]

You know what, that is a very good point that you bring up about having someone else raise my condition as an issue. So, as long as they don't say that my AN, hearing problems, processing problems, etc. are keeping me from doing my work and being an effective counselor, I guess I shouldn't blame my tumor so much. I've been thinking A LOT lately and if I can help it, I will try my best and accomplish what I want to do. Things change all the time, like how I was doing well and then my tumor diagnosis came a long. There's a good chance that I will get use to the new me and continue doing what I want to do. I'm hoping this is a temporary thing, although, it didn't help much that I just stopped taking steroids, so now there are new things coming up. I'm really tired and my vision isn't that as great, so I'm assuming this is one of the reasons that I seem withdrawn too. Thank you very much for what you've shared with me.

I got through some readings for classes and I feel like they've helped me a lot in understanding my struggles. I feel that if I can get over my fear of sharing about  myself, I might actually have something to offer the class. It's exciting, but then again thinking and doing are two totally different things to me.

Again, thank you.

PHX

It's tough when you think this AN problem could prove to be a threat to your chosen profession.  That's how I felt last summer.  I'm a psychologist - talking to people is my livelihood.  Also a college professor.  I actually got over my anxiety about the whole situation once I made the decision that I would simply keep moving forward, do my best, and make someone else raise my condition as an issue.  Well, that hasn't happened.  In fact, I began to notice all the support I had in my environment, and realized many of my fears were groundless.

I really, really struggle every day with my hearing, communication, and fatigue.  I know I'm more withdrawn in some settings than I used to be.  Here's some good news - recently, my symptoms have improved, abruptly and unexpectedly.  Symptoms being "wonkiy head," balance problems, and fatigue.  Along with my improvement, came much, much better energy.  I believe my unseen daily struggles with balance were draining my energy.

I think it's critical to do everything we can to optimize whatever hearing we have, especially in the social services/sciences.  I see my audiologist frequently,  and make sure my hearing aid is adjusted to the optimum levels.

PM me if you want, it seems like we have similar challenges in our lives.