Mourning the "old" you... embracing the "new" you

[ppearl214]

I just wanted to say a VERY heartfelt thank you to all those contibuting to this thread.. and hoping that each of us is taking away something from it.... I know I am...

Huggles to those that are struggling.... congrats to those of you conquering and embracing... and most of all... MANY thank you's for opening your hearts to share this.

Phyl

[Captain Deb]

Samantha,
I'm so glad you are being pro-active and getting to a headache specialist.I waited a long time before I did that always thinking that the next drug my small-town neurologist would give me would be the magic bullet. Hope you find some relief soon.

Hugs,

Capt Deb

[yardtick]

Mourning the "old me" ....the life of the party....the energizer bunny....always laughing....flirtatous....silly....always wanting more.... 

My new self....tired....headacy....irriatable....listless....seeking peace and quiet....

Oh, life has a strange way of getting us to stop and smell the espresso.  I'm not the person I was, but I am so much more appreciate what I have.  A wonderful husband (most days , the male thing, you girls can relate )  Four really, really good sons.  Seeing their faces each and every morning is the greatest gift I have ever received from God.  My cousin Teresa and her husband Boris.  My friends Pauline and Nik, Christine and John, Susie, Nicki, and my extended families on both sides. 

I've realized I do not need to worry about "the house", "the money", "the outfits", it is the relationships that count.  People love me for me, when I'm happy, they are happy, when I'm troubled, they are troubled and when I'm in pain, they are a huge comfort. 

I only wish my dad was here to hold my hand, and stroke my hair like he did when I was a teenager vomiting from migraine headaches.  I lost my mom when I was 8, I have very fond memories of her but she was very sick since I was three.  My father was everything to me.  A quiet man with strength of Sampson.   

My facial neuroma has beaten my spirits down, but it is my family and close friends who gathered and lifted my spirits up.  I have a new admiration for all of them, for their unconditional love for me has helped me cope with my struggles.  I am a better person because of them and they are helping me to embrace my "new me"
 
Life on this forum has given me hope and strength.  I read everyones postings, I cheer, cry, laugh and thank the Good Lord for this place.  This place has a life of its own.  A special, caring, giving and spiritual life, that offers hope, calms fears and helps me to embrace the "new me"

Anne marie

[nteeman]

While in the hospital this week I kept thinking about just getting home. I kept thinking about a Steely Dan song 'Home AT Last'.  This morning I listened and it really hit me. Yes, it is a different me but I am home at last.

"Well the danger on the rocks is surely past
Still I remain tied to the mast
Could it be that I have found my home at last
Home at last"

Becker & Fagen 1977.


Cheers
Neal

[sgerrard]

This place has a life of its own.  A special, caring, giving and spiritual life, that offers hope, calms fears and helps me to embrace the "new me"

Beautifully said, Anne Marie.

Steve

[yardtick]

Thanks Steve! 

Anne Marie

[MaryBKAriz]

Great thread, Phyl!

My new life is good. I finally am finding the lemonade recipe for these AN lemons. Now.....don't get me wrong, the recipe is illusive and individual to taste, but it can happen. My "new normal" is quite tolerable now, most of the time. Not so much because my symptoms improved but more that I have accepted it and adapted to it. I think the stages of grief were present for me. Now I am more at peace with this all. I too WAS an athlete but due to a few health issues along the way, I lost that and adapted. Recently I lost the ability to do my portraits for my business. I did not believe I would ever adapt to that but I am having tons of fun decorating walking canes. Two years ago if someone would have told me this is what I would be doing, I wouldn't have believed it.

I have laughed, I have cried - as the oh so accurate cliche goes. So many people have much worse issues but it is hard to ignore symptoms when they knock you down. This group has showed to me by example and encouraged me with kindness and educated me with their experience. I have faith that other will find their own path via the help from their AN family here, like I DID.

The new happy normal,

Mary

[mimoore]

Anne Marie, you made me cry. That was such a wonderful post.
I want to forget this whole thing like it was some bad dream. It stares me in the face everyday I look in the mirror. I feel the hardware in my head and think hmmmm I had brain surgery, it is a bit unreal. I have friends in my life that think I am back to normal and question when I don't do all of the social things. I listen to my body smile(or try to) and decline. At first I wanted to scream and say "Hello I have just survived brain surgery!" I have been told I need to move on that was 8 months ago. That's okay how could they understand? I don't think you can truly relate until you live it, that goes for anything. You can try. Life is good and I am in control of me.
Things happened so quickly when I was diagnosed that I (we) kind of went into over drive or survival mode.  I realize am different, I am even better. I appreciate life so much more and realize how very precious my family is.
At Christmas I am the one who puts on the big spread and makes sure everyone is happy and full. I also was so bent on clearing up and wash up right away. This year was awesome.. I kept saying those dishes will be there later waiting for us, come sit. Enjoy every minute.
Everyone will die but not everyone truly lives. (The Bucketlist)
Michelle  
Loving Life!

[Soundy]

I think I am in a mourning period... I have mourned the loss of some things since surgery...mostly the
ability to get around the farm and chase cows...  ... sounds silly I know but if you live on a farm and
work it and one day get up and can't it is sad ... I helped sort calves last time we vaccinated and sold off
some and had to medicate myself before and again after to get through it without crying from pain...

This week my husband has been on call to be sent to Kentucky ...he works for the local electric system...
only 10 of our 30 linesmen and right-of-way crew are here ...rest in Kentucky ... some may come home and Bo
will leave ....

without talking to me first he talked to my son ... they arranged a row of round bales of hay with a hot wire
in front of them so I could take the old farm truck and bump them and roll them off the hill and wouldn't
have to deal with gates , the tractor and all else that it usually takes to put out hay... good system but I am totally
pissed off that he went behind my back and talked to my son first and thinks that I can't handle feeding the
cows... I blew my stack and told him they could starve for all I cared...

he got all apologetic and asked what I wanted him to do... I want to not be treated as a handicap around
here... I want to be able to jump up and down off tractor and get gates and take care of things ...I want to be
in on decisions being made for me and not told of them after things are arranged ... it was a good plan and would
be easier than the usual feed plan just because the up and down and dragging gates would get me ... but he
should have talked to me ...not my son ...

and I did something I have never done ... I told him that Travis was my son and not his and to never go behind my
back talking to my kids about me .... told him he could talk to our girls but not my sons ... not that he would get
a 9 and 11 year old to help move hay ..

ever since before we were married the boys have come to him over their dad... they have a great relationship with
him and they like him ... they were in mid to  late teens when we married which could have been a bad time with all the
changes they were going through but Bo made it easy because he is one of those guys that I don't think has a mean
bone in his body and has no enemies ... even my ex likes him and has thanked him for taking care of his kids when he
wasn't around ... and to try to hurt him like that was senseless ... but a demon took over... I was hurt so bit back

feel kinda sucky now ...stupid thing to say but I have been under alot of stress dealing with the headaches and a
bad doctor and the cold that about zaps me (something it never did before but now makes me ache)... what
does Bo do ...he  pats me on the head and hugs me and tells me things will be OK... in ways they will and we will
be OK ... and I will bump and roll hay off the hill to feed the cows and things will be sorta right with the world ...if
I didn't have him I would be insane by now ... and I gotta learn to not snap at him...something that has happened
several times ... I almost think unconsciously I snap at him because he takes it and still loves me regardless...

we talked and are OK... but I know he will do something again because he thinks it is protecting me ... and I will
get mad ... but we will move on ...at this point I have no choice and Bo won't let me not go on...

But I reserve the right to be sad and mad at things that have changed ... as long as I don't dwell on them and
after a short intermission to blow up and rant  , I  am able to move on and get on with daily life I think I will be OK...
that is something people don't understand ... I am alive but not always alright ... and they don't understand
my anger when it pops out ... or why I get sad ... they think the tumor is gone and I should be happy ...
which I am  most of the time ... but the other things come with it ...anger ,sadness frustration etc

taking things one day at a time and some days hour by hour 


PS... my Christmas tree is still up ...just haven't felt like dealing with packing all the ornamanets away and don't
want anyone else to do it ... 9 year old is thrilled and plans on adding Valentine and Easter things to it  ... I did
get the 4 or 5 smaller tress throughout the house put away and other decorations are resting in their boxes til next
year ... but the tree remains in it's corner ...lights twinkling ... I get sad thinking about taking it down so don't ...
and I don't know why ... go figure

3:11 and alls well... I guess I should try to go back to sleep... 

[RichardS]

Hi. THis is my first post, but I have been reading this forum for a couple of months, and have got a great deal of information and comfort from it. I have read the thoughts and stories of people who have faced extreme adversity with courage, fortitude and dignity. I am amazed that so many of you find time to help others and share your wisdom, kindliness and compassion. I can only say that if this forum represents the "new yous" you should be very proud. Thank you for being here for all who are wandering around looking for help in the AN world.
Richard

[leapyrtwins]

Hi, RichardS - and welcome    Tell us a little about yourself, please.  Are you pre-treatment, post-treatment? etc.  Thanks.

Now back to the thread:

In my case, I think I'm just as good - if not better - post op than I was pre op; thank God. 

I had my struggles post op and I've been depressed from time to time, but with the exception of being SSD - which I "solved" to my satisfaction with my BAHA - and a few minor problems , the only difference I've seen in my life is a feeling of how truly lucky I am.  This have given me a whole new perspective on life and what I'd like to do in mine to leave a legacy behind me when it's my time to "go".

After the initial shock of my diagnosis, I decided that I was "given" an AN for a reason and that reason was to help others in my situation in any way I could.  To that end I joined the ANA, became a member of the WTT list and the forum, and started to contribute monetarily to both the ANA and the hospital where I had my surgery. 

I realize how truly blessed I am and I hope to never take that for granted.

Jan

[FAITH40]

HI,

MY LIFE HAS CHANGED AS WELL. I WAS A RUNNER... RUNNING 4 MILES A DAY! TENNIS, A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY THAT NEVER STOPPED. A PHARMACEUTICAL SALES REP....  A LIFE THAT KEPT ME TOO BUSY TO STOP AND GIVE GOD ALL THE THANX, PRAISE AND GLORY AS I SHOULD ! GOD JUST SLOWED ME DOWN A LITTLE TO GET MY ATTENTION LONG ENOUGH TO GET SOMETHING TO ME, NOT TAKE FROM ME... HE SAID " I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU, THEY ARE PLANS TO PROSPER YOU AND NOT TO HARM YOU. PLANS TO GIVE YOU A GREAT FUTURE" GOD DOES USE TRIALS TO MOVE YOU INTO THE DIRECTION HE WANTS YOU TO GO... AND YOUR PURPOSE FOR BEING HERE ... WHAT THE MEAN GUY MEANT FOR BAD , GOD HAS JUST USED FOR GOOD! I AM GETTING BACK TO MY NORMAL ROUTINES, BUT DOING THINGS ALOT DIFFERENTLY ,THE CHANGE IN PACE HAS MADE EVERYTHING  BETTER THAN EVER! I LEARNED THINGS THAT I MAY HAVE NEVER LEARNED. I SEEN THINGS THAT I MAY HAVE NEVER SEEN....

THE GOOD BOOK GUARANTEES US THAT WE WILL HAVE TRIALS., BUT IT IS HOW WE CHOOSE TO HANDLE THEM THAT DETERMINES HOW LONG WE STAY IN THE TRIAL!   THIS TUMOR AND SURGERY AND POST OP EXPERIENCES IS TRULY THE BIGGEST TRIAL EVER, BUT I LEARNED TO SPEAK TO MY SITUATION, LIFE AND HEALING! IT IS HARDER TO COPE WITH (IMO) AS LONG AS I COMPLAIN, JUST LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL... GOD GAVE THEM EVERYTHING THEY NEEDED TO MAKE AN ELEVEN DAY TRIP, BUT THEY COMPLAINED CONSTANTLY ABOUT WHAT THEY DID NOT HAVE, THEY MISSED EGYPT AND ALL THE THINGS THAT WERE FAMILAR AND LUXURY. THEY WERE TOTALLY OUT OF THEIR COMFORT ZONE IN THE WILDERNESS, BUT THEY WANTED TO BE DELIVERED. BUT GOD GAVE THEM EXACTLY WHAT THEY NEEDED TO SURVIVE AND GET TO THE PROMISE LAND! AN ELEVEN DAY TRIP TURNED INTO A FORTY YEAR TRIP OF GOING AROUND AND AROUND THE MOUNTAIN COMPLAINING! AND THEY ENDED UP DYING IN THE WILDERNESS, STILL COMPLAINING! ONLY 8 OF THEM MADE IT IN TO THE PROMISE LAND OUT OF THOUSANDS!  THE PROMISE LAND WAS RIGHT THERE AND THEY MISSED IT BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO BUSY COMPLAINING  AND GOING AROUND AND AROUND IN CIRCLES !   GOD DELIVERED THEM OUT OF EGYPT, GAVE THEM INSTRUCTION, A GUIDE(MOSES) AND ANGEL LIMOSINE SERVICE AND THEY STILL MISSED IT! I THINK THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS..... HOW LONG  WE STAY IN A PROBLEM DETERMINES HOW WE CHOOSE TO HANDLE IT.  I CHOSE TO EMBRACE THIS THING AND FIGHT TO WIN (ENDURANCE WINS EVERY TIME !)... IT IS HARD, SURE IT IS, BUT GREATER IS HE THAT IS WITHIN ME THAN HE THAT IS IN THE WORLD!  I CAN NOT DO ANYTHING IN MY OWN STRENGTH, BUT I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHICH STRENGTHENS ME! I AM 14 MONTHS POST OP AND EVERY DAY IS A NEW DAY TO GET UP AND FACE THE PROBLEM AND GET THE PROVISION WE ALREADY HAVE THE PROMISE! ATTITUDE IS DEFINATELY EVERYTHING! I HAD TO TAKE MY EYES OFF THE PROBLEM AND HOW BAD IT WAS, AND GET THEM ON THE PROMISE OF HEALING , PURPOSE AND PROVISION BEFORE MY SITUATION CHANGED... THERE IS A PURPOSE IN PAIN, AND WE WILL NEVER SEE IT UNTIL WE TAKE OUR EYES OFF THE SITUATION AND HOW "BAD" IT IS AND THEN WE CAN START TO SEE THE PERFECT PLAN , START TO UNFOLD! IT IS A DAILY FIGHT, BUT I THINK IT SAYS IN THE GOOD BOOK TO " FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT OF FAITH" " RUN THE RACE TO THE END" PASS THE TEST WHATEVER YOU DO AND DON'T COMPLAIN! MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WOULD LOVE TO TRADE PLACES WITH US RIGHT NOW... COME ON GUYS HOLD YOUR HEAD UP,  SEW A SEED OF FAITH AND DRAW STRENGTH FROM  GOD AND SEE HOW YOUR VERY SITUATION WILL TURN AROUND! IT HAPPENED FOR ME AND HE WILL DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN! HE IS FAITHFUL AND GOOD ALL THE TIME! GIVE HIM A TRY, HE KNOWS JUST HOW WE FEEL AND WHAT WE NEED! IN FACT HE ALREADY HAS IT ALL FIGURED OUT AND WORKED OUT BEFORE WE ASK! BUT IT SAYS  "ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE" THE SAME GOD THAT "PARTED THE RED SEA" "MOVED THE MOUNTAINS"GUIDED THE STONE THAT KILLED THE GIANT AND CROWNED DAVID KING" WAS IN THE LIONS DEN WITH DANIEL, THE FIREY FURNACE WITH THE THREE HEBREW CHILDREN, IN PRISON WITH PAUL AND SILAS AND JOSEPH AND MOVED HIM TO THE PALACE! HEALED THE BLIND , RAISED THE DEAD, CREATED THIS EARTH, HUNG THE MOON AND THE STARS, DIED ON THE CROSS FOR "US" ROSE AGAIN AND CONQUERED DEATH AND THE GRAVE!!! WOW! I MEAN, IF HE CAN DO ALL THESE THINGS AND DELIVER ALL THESE PEOPLE AND ANSWER ALL THESE PRAYER REQUEST.... MY PROBLEMS ARE EASY! BUT ALL THESE SAME PEOPLE ASKED! WE GET SO SCARED AND FOCUSED ON TRYING TO FIX IT OURSELF , JUST TO SOONER OR LATER REALIZE WE CAN'T DO IT ALONE... SO JUST GO AHEAD AND ASK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE PROBLEM!

THIS IS THE WAY I START MY DAY!
FAITH


"AS A MAN THINKETH IN HIS HEART, SO IS HE"
PROVERBS 23:7

 

[Soundy]

Someone told me that God won't give you anything that is too hard or that you can't handle...told
them I wish he didn't think I was so strong....

all kidding asside.... the SSD , weeble wobble walk , metal mouth , dry one day running next day eye and
forgetfulness has taken a back seat to headaches ... I could go on with all of them unsolved either by BAHA ,
magic potion that restored balance ...everlasting eye drops that were self adjusting ...whatever.... the headaches
that stop me in my tracks are another thing... they are fewer now than even a month ago but more intense...
once I get some relief there the rest can slide...

I have had to drop alot I used to do... I am transferring my Cub Scout pack to another pack...I don't get enough help
from parents and since I don't have a son in the program (youngest son is 27) I decided after 20 years of
Cub Scouting it was time to give it up... this month we have our last Pine Wood Derby  ... kinda sad about it
but I can't give the boys enough and so passing them to someone that can...some feel like I am abandoning them..
I  will still help occasionally with other pack I just won't be in charge ... it will be better for them...and me too as
it will free up some time and energy I can put toward things I am continuing to do

I still have my Girls Scout Troop and we are working on several service projects in the community... it is important
to me to teach a few kids that there is more to the world than themselves and that they should contribute to it ...
be it food drives , book drives , cards to go to the hospitals or nursing homes...jsut to think about their fellow man...too
many are plugged into the GIVE ME GIVE ME way of thinking ...I try to change a few for a few days a month and
hope they remember what we have done and learned  as they grow up...

Can't hold out to work at school all day long anymore and have only subbed  4 days since surgery... I do
put in alot of volunteer time at school ... doing teacher aide work for free...at least when volunteering if I have to go lay
down or leave I can...can't do this if I was subbing on the clock ...was offered full time in cafeteria at beginning of year ...
but the fast pace in there almost wore me out before surgery ... all the lifting and carrying and running on the slippery
floor would lead to disaster now ...

So this is my new non money earning me ...we don't really need the money I used to make to survive ... but it paid
for little extras... some friends have to me to stay home and take it easy ...compared to pre surgery I do take it easy...
but the Scouts and volunteer time keeps me sane and makes me feel like I am still useful... I know that I am useful to my
family... I feed them and wash their clothes , bandage boo boos and wipe tears .... but I need the other usefulness feeling ...
most people get it from their job...I am still doing alot of the same thing I used to do at school just don't get paid for it ...
but the satisfaction part is what I need more than money

I think I may be getting a little depressed ... I am sad and then happy in the next breath...and frustrated about 50
minutes out of each hour ... I am sad about loses from AN trip but for most part OK... and all it takes is my nine year
old telling me when I get mad " but you're still breathing Mom" to make me know I am OK whether I know
it that exact moment or not......

but being human I grumble and complain and get mad ... but I will be OK ...

just gotta learn to let people take care of me ... that little  rant above about my husband doing something for me that
made me get mad at him looks kinda irrational to me in the light of day  ... wish I could turn my mind off at night ..
it would help my sleeping or lack there of tremendously

[suboo73]

Hi RichardS - i want to say welcome, too. Sorry if you have to join this club, but there are fantastic people here, keep reading!

Soundy - glad you wrote down your thoughts.  I share some of them with you.  The other night, as i was going to bed, i had the worst dizzy spell i can remember ever -room spinning and it wouldn't stop.  I wondered - is this the new me?  I am a traditional wife and mother, but, with my children grown, i enjoy working now outside the home.  Don't want to imagine giving that up either, but there is always that possibility.

My oldest daughter reminded me that she has adjusted her life since a bad car accident as a teen.  (She broke both her legs.) We, as parents were thankful she was alive!  She said she was slipping and sliding around in a recent snowfall - just has to adjust to her not-so-steady knees - and at 24 yrs. old, i feel for her.  Fortunately, after the car accident, we adopted this saying, 'what will it matter in 5 years?'  She reminded me of this - and to keep vigilant about my own health in the coming days.

To me, it sounds like you are focused on those things that matter, like your family and joy of volunteer work.
I wish you all the best - my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Sue

[golden]

I am new to this sight (How I wish I had known about it alot sooner) I had a 3.7 cm AN removed in April of 2007. I was told you need it removed or you will die in the next 2 months. Being a single mother of 2 children I freaked out and had it removed 2 weeks  later. Like so many of you I am in mourning of my old self. I went into surgery as me and came out someone totally different. I have alot of issues to deal with such as deafness (one sided) facial paraylsis, vision problems, balance issues, tinnitus, cronic pain, headaches, night mares along with night sweats  exhausten and severe depression. My family and friends think because I look okay on the outside I am fine on the inside. I should get over it and go on. WRONG. I feel as if I don't know who I am and I don't know how to adjust to this stranger that I have become. I know that god has not brought me this far to drop me on my face now and I am thankful that I am alive but, not being able to talk to someone that understands what I have been through is a very lonely place. I pray every night that I will wake the next morning and everything will be normal again. I am beginning to wonder if there is such a thing as normal?