FYI - Kids & Surgery

[Kaybo]

Hi Everyone!
We have talked many times about kids and surgery and how they take everything - about how they are much more resilient than we think that they are going to be.  I agree and think that they can handle a LOT more than we think; however, something has come up that I want to share - especially with those of you with facial paralysis.  As most of you know, I have 3 daughters (11, 7 and 6).  Our 7 year old is far beyond her years, intellectually, but we have always worried about her "outbursts."  She is the sweetest girl you will ever meet, but when she gets upset - man, she really blows.  We have dealt with this - with her and her teachers since pre-school and I just keep a VERY close line of comunication with them.  When I was going to Houston for a week to care for my MIL, I told her teacher that the conditions would be right for something to happen since her routine would be topsy-turvy.  Her teacher informed me that she had been doing really, really well and wondered if maybe we had turned a corner because she had not had an "episode" most of the year.  Well, she did have a little meltdown that Friday but everyone attributed it to me having been gone all week.  The next week, she had another MAJOR meltdown after PE.  All of this caused us to seek out couseling for her.  At first, I felt like a HORRIBLE parent, but my sweet hubby (& Lori) convinced me that I was a GOOD one because instead of just passing it off as nothing, I was trying to help her.  All that so you would know a little background...She has been going for a few weeks now and Dave & I met with her couselor (he had met with her 3 times at that point) and to our shock, he thinks that one of the main contributors is MY HEALTH.  She has a lot of aniexty over me and my health.  Out of the 3 times that she had been with him, TWICE (out of the blue) she mentioned that I had had a brain tumor - & so they talked about it.  Sweet girl, I was just in tears - & I hardly EVER cry anymore!  Even though we don't think about it anymore, to her since she sees my face all the time (& is old enough now to know what it is from), she worries that something else is going to happen.  Something happening to a parent is one of a child's biggest fears the Dr. said and I remember thinking that when I was a kid!  We were blindsided - I would have NEVER thought of that, but I just thought that I would pass it on.  It might not ever be applicable to anyone else, but I thought that others might want to be aware!

K

[lori67]

See, I told you you weren't a bad parent!  And your daughter is not a bad kid.  Quite the opposite.  She's the sweet, loving little girl you have always known she was - and she wouldn't be that way without a sweet, loving mom.

I know adults who have a hard time dealing with illness in their loved ones, so I can certainly understand how hard it must be when you're only 7 and don't quite have a handle on how the world works yet.

Now go give all three of those little girls a big hug and give youself a pat on the back (and Dave too) for being concerned enough to find out what was bothering her.  I know you'll find a way to reassure her that you're not going anywhere.

Lori

[leapyrtwins]

See, I told you you weren't a bad parent!  And your daughter is not a bad kid.  Quite the opposite.  She's the sweet, loving little girl you have always known she was - and she wouldn't be that way without a sweet, loving mom.

Kay -

I'm 100% with Lori on this one.  You did the best thing you could ever do for your child - help her.

What her counselor told you makes total sense to me.  Kids have different perspectives than grownups - and they don't always have the facts, which just adds to the situation.  Their ways of expressing themselves - things like bad behavior - seem logical to them; not so logical to us.

I'm a big advocate of counseling for children - adults too - when the situation warrants it.  I wish people didn't see such a stigma attached to it, as I personally think it can be very beneficial.  My kids and I went to counseling during my divorce - and it helped all of us immensely.  The kids also received the services of a social worker once a week through their school.

In addition, my ex and I went to marriage counseling - not once, but twice - and while it didn't "save" our marriage - it did reinforce to me that I needed to get out for my sake and the sake of my children.  But that's another, very long story   

Kudos to you and Dave - and to Lori 

And thanks for posting this for others.

Jan

[Seal]

Hi Kay,

My oldest is Kay too; she is 12 now going into the wonderful teenage years shortly.   Something happened just a few weeks ago that may have inadvertenly helped our situation.     Our lovely black lab retriever was struck a killed my a car a few weeks ago.    He slept every night at her feet on her big bed, and she viewed him as her protector.     When she saw that night that she could loose her most precious friend in the blink of an eye, she then began to get very concerned leading up to the surgery.    However, I think that this helped to also prepare for it, and she has been great around the house and helping care for all my little needs since I've been home.    The outbound consultation that they give you at HGH was nice, and the nurse warned me that the "teenagers" act out with anger which is really their version of concern.    With our Kay, I saw none of this and only alot of concern and love.    She's been great, and we are very lucky to have such a sweet daughter.

Now the 10 yr old and 2.5 yr old boys are another story.    They just go on their way in their own little world, but that's another story!

Steve

[wcrimi]

Thanks for the insight.   

[Jim Scott]

Kay ~

I can unequivocally state that in your daughter's case, you and your husband handled it in the best way possible. To children, parents are their whole world and the fear of losing one of them is simply devastating, especially when they are too young to understand the nuances of AN surgery.  The words 'brain tumor' can have that effect, even on adults.  I trust your daughter is regaining her normal sweet disposition and the counseling is proving to be effective.

My son is now 29 (26 when I had my AN surgery) and he basically stayed in a form of denial all through the pre-op, surgery and recovery period.  He visited me in the hospital and joked around most of the brief time he was there.  Of course, I was ferocious about getting back to normal post-op, and that helped him maintain his attitude that this was nothing for him to worry about.  I didn't try to weigh him down with concerns and because I had an excellent recovery, there was no need to do so.  He still thinks my wife (his mom) and I are immortal.  I've tried to disabuse him of this attitude but without much success, as my father lived into his 90's and my son just assumes that I will, too.   Who knows?   I'm on God's schedule, not mine.  He'll decide when I've been here long enough.

Your observation that children often harbor deep but often unexpressed fears about a parents health and the chance of them dying - always a scary mystery to  child (and many adults) - is profound and well taken.  Thanks for the reminder. 

Jim 

 

[Lilan]

Kaybo, you are generous to share your experiences. Your other children may need the same reassurance. They just may not show it in a way that cries out for attention.

It is a shame how much brain tumors are casually maligned, LOL. "At least it's not a brain tumor!" "It's not brain surgery!" It doesn't leave us much wiggle room when it actually IS those things.