It's ME!

[allisjbh]

Michelle,
Your intial post was encouraging to me, as I am also a teacher with similar AN issues - but struggling. Then I read the later news, and just wanted to cry. I'm so very sorry about your husband - as if you have not gone through enough. I hope you reach your happy place again even sooner than since surgery.
Allison

[mimoore]

Man is this a test of strength or what?
Honestly this is more pain than I can bear. I find out this terrible news, then its a friend of mine, then its been going on for a year. We all hung around together. Then tonight my 14 year old daughter has a complete break down kicking her walls, telling me its all my fault because if I would have stopped talking about my brain tumor he would not have left. (shes heard him say this) Her life is ruined. Shes far too involved because she intercepted a text on his black berry. I told her its not my fault or hers, he made a bad choice and continued to do so. I told her I was just as shocked as her and although all marriages have troubles its how we handle them that matters. Blaming me does not help. F@#$k I honestly cannot take anymore pain and heart ache. This is such a big mess. All I want is for him to suffer like we are!
 
I need to remember i am a fighter, a survivor and I will be happy again!  

[CHD63]

Grrrrrrrrr.  The right words will not come to me.  All sorts of emotions when reading your post ..... but most of all anger that anyone would accuse you (or any of us) of talking too much about your tumor.  They do not have to live with the daily compensations we have to make and/or resulting pain and/or the fear of regrowth and need for more treatment.  I'm not sure I can remember a day when some reference was not made by either me or my husband to my brain tumor.  Like it or not, it is a part of who we are now.

Two things:  1) please try to remember you are not the cause of any of this ..... this was an easy excuse for your husband's weak behavior and huge character flaw and 2) please seek some counseling for both you and your daughter.

..... and yes, you are a fighter, a survivor, and you will be happy again!!

Many thoughts and prayers.

Clarice

[Cheryl R]

Clarice said it well!       I feel for you and hope for the best for you.         Your daughter is at that teenage age where anything and everything can be hard and this is making life even harder.      it is very hard for a mom to not take it personally.      We are thinking of you.       We know too well how the AN is with us every day and hard for others to understand!
                                        Hugs, Cheryl R

[Jim Scott]

Michelle ~

I'm so sorry to learn of your continuing, escalating pain over this cataclysmic event in your life.

First, 14-year-old girls who love their father will say terrible, hurtful things when their world has been turned upside down.  I'm sure, as you noted, that your daughter is simply repeating what her father has told her to justify his adultery and attempt to shift the blame for dishonoring his marriage vows from his immoral behavior onto you, which is outrageous but, alas, fairly typical in these situations.  I could make all sorts of negative comments about the lack of character of such a man but I'll refrain for the sake of civility on the forums and my obligation to lead by example.  I will suggest that harboring animosity, although justified and understandable, will do you little good.  Your soon-to-be ex-husband will go on with his new life and your bitterness won't have much, if any effect on him but it can poison your spirit if held too tightly or too long.  I'm sure you're aware of that and will eventually be able to move on, yourself.  Your daughter has to be forgiven for her foolish accusations, based on ignorance, immaturity and the influence of her father who is desperate to excuse himself for the disruption he has caused, not to mention the heartbreak and sorrow.  She won't always be 14 and in time, if you allow her to be angry at the disruption in her life and repeat the wise words you have already said to her (he made a very bad choice) she will probably be O.K. with you again - but it may take awhile.   Meanwhile, you have to call on your inner strength and face this horrible situation head-on and with integrity and as much equanimity as you can muster.  If you have a spiritual faith, this is the time to call on it.  Otherwise, simply chose to do what is best for you and your family and realize that things won't always be this chaotic.    

You know that you have our support and our prayers.  I hope things get better for you, soon.

Jim  

[moe]

Michelle,
Thank you Jim, Cheryl, and Clarice for your wise words.
I rescind my previous post about "counseling" or whatever it was for you and your husband. Time to get ugly.
 But DO get counseling for you and your daughter.
I'm so sorry, my heart aches for you.
My prayers are with you and your daughter for peace and forgiveness...
Maureen

[allisjbh]

What kind of judge would be symathetic to a man who runs out on his family because his wife was "consumed" with brain surgery? I hope you take all you can get so that you will be as financially secure as possible - since you may need it for doctor visits in the future.

[mimoore]

Thank you for all of the great advice and your warm embrace. My daughter was angry and I am the one who is h. She needed to let the anger out and I happen to be the one  who  got the brunt of it. It was hurtful but I know where it is coming from and who she really wishes it could be directed to. I love her and that she knows. Teenagers are a funny bunch because the next day she came into my bed and snuggled. I wrote her a long letter that I told her she could read and reread validating her feelings good or bad and that although I am hurting as well I am the adult in the situation and that I will take care of her. We will be happy again. She knows she can count on me. I told her and her feelings are my top priority.
She and I are both in counseling and looking for a new house. Lots going on but trying to move forward and know that I am a good person and I deserve to be happy again. Some times it's one day at a time and other times it's hour by hour. I have a lot of support here and through my friends and family.
Thanks for listening. 
Michelle

[msmaggie]

Michelle,
Your last post sounded strong, wise, and loving, and I am sure your daughter heard that loud and clear.  You are right....teenagers ARE a funny bunch!  I remember those years with my daughter.  There will be days when you just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over your head, but remember that we are praying for you and pulling for you, so soldier on as best you can. The good days will eventually outnumber the bad ones.

"Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant."
— Maya Angelou

You go out there and thrive, girlfriend! You have elegant written all over you.

Priscilla

[Suu]

Hi Michelle
I'm sending the biggest and warmest hug that I can muster for you and your family.
Suu xxoo